Summer-y White Christmas in Phuket

I have been teaching here in Thailand for almost 3 years and although I’ve traipsed its roads from north to south, and back again, I haven’t really gone to any of its infamous beaches. So Ahne and I thought that since we are already here in Thailand, we should just go and head to Phuket and bear cringing a little because of the expenses for this trip. I’ll not sugarcoat it, Phuket is expensive---it’s understandable since it’s an ultimate destination for tourists all over the world. However, with our “trip-id” skills, we were able to cut down the travel cost to an amount that is very, very “okay na”.

We booked everything about two months ahead---the hotel, including the island tour. So, on the 25th of December, while we were bundled up in our warm sweaters and scarves, we took the 24-hour trip by bus going to Phuket. There are direct flights going to Phuket from the north of Thailand but since we were on a “trip-id”, the nauseating idea of yet another very loooong bus ride was bearable compared to the cringe-worthy airfare.

From the wintery 9-degree temperature of northern Thailand, we took a 24-hour bus ride for a summery white Christmas to the southern part of Thailand.

PHUKET TOWN
I just soo love Phuket Town!

We discovered this part of Phuket by chance while we were walking around.

Before I talk about Phuket town, let me have a travel tip to those who are planning to visit Phuket: It would really help your budget if you know how to drive a car or a motorcycle since it would be way cheaper to rent it and drive around the city compared to commuting. Taxi and motorcycle fares in Phuket are so expensive and we were caught by surprise with it.

I fell in love with the quiet, laid-back charm of Phuket town. It’s like their own version of China town and it also reminded me of Vietnam. However, what made it so charming were the doors. Yes, the whole stretches of its streets had houses and buildings which had extremely cute and charming doors. Notice how I used “charming” for several times already? I have this special love for doors and Phuket town was just a “door-wonderland”!

It’s a pity that all our photos in Phuket town were accidentally deleted. But I copied these photos from google to compensate for the deleted ones. So, here’s Phuket town, minus my dopey face on it!

The topmost picture was the sight that we saw when we went to one of the viewing points to see the whole city. We went there when the sun was about to set.

PHI PHI ISLAND TOUR

The island tour agency that we got, Rak Talay Travels, had really a commendable service. There were about 30 of us in a group that day, a big number were European and American families and groups of friends, and there were several Chinese people. The staff and the tour guides were all friendly and accommodating and you could really feel that aside from enjoyment, they really prioritize the safety of each one.

Hindi maikakaila, anak-dagat talaga ako. 

...because you can never take the sand and the sea away from somebody who was born and raised in a country with 7000+ islands

It was our first time to ride on a speed boat that we really chose to sit outside even though it was a bit of a “buwis-buhay”. We were like shouting all throughout the trip, until we got tired doing so and we decided to transfer inside. I was gripping the back of my seat so tightly because of the strength of impact every time the boat sliced through a wave---it was like being thrown down not on water but on a piece of concrete!

This island is just too beautiful that the pictures, with my dorky face on it, didn’t do justice at all to the actual charm of the island. Maya island was where Leonardo de Caprio’s, The Beach, was filmed.

The Pileh Lagoon is a perfect spot for swimming. It was a good thing that we had our life jackets on---poor girls who grew up in an Archipelago country but who didn’t learn how to swim! Ahahaha!

We had a buffet lunch in Phi Phi Don Island where I got to take this awkward photo with an iguana. Notice how I was trying to discreetly push its head away from my face? I was really so scared of its “palikpik”. Ahahahaha!

Snorkeling at the Mosquito Island was also a first time. Even though I don’t really know how to swim, but I never developed a fear of the waters. It was only during that time when I saw some 10-year old kids jumping into the deep water without their life jackets on and I, a 25-year old grown up who was fully geared, was actually trying to keep afloat by groping on the rope beside the speedboat, when I realized that I really need to learn how to swim. After several minutes of trying to keep my balance in the water by kicking the boat (I even feared that the boat might fall sideways because of the strength of my kicking just to control my balance in the water! Ahahahaha!), we decided to just go up the boat and watch the others enjoy their snorkeling. :(

It was always my dream to be on a beach with some pine trees growing on its sands. Seeing the stretch of pine trees at the Bamboo Island was a surprise and a dream come true.

This girl is embracing immensity. ;)

Ten years from now, my knees wouldn’t allow me to do jump shots even though I would love to. So, pagbigyan na!

LAST NIGHT IN PHUKET. These poor girls are pretending to be bazillionaires with a cheap glass of wine. Ahahahaha!

...because in the wide expanse of your skies,

I felt Your love that is all embracing.

...because in your crashing waves,

I heard Your voice calling my name, only my name. 

...because in the immensity of your seas,

I felt the depth of Your grace with no questions asked. 

...because in your gleaming sands,

You reminded me of Your love that is pure, unstained. 

...and because in your ragged cliffs,

I undestood that sometimes, what I need more is Your tough love.

---Phiphi island, Phuket (27-12-'13)

Thank you Lord because You never fail to let me see how Your hands work in all these wonders.

Rest in Peace Toto Allan

If the stages of grief were to be followed, then perhaps I am still in the "D" stage. I mean, the first "D", denial---since I could not yet fully comprehend the fact that you are gone.

The moment I found out that you passed away, I became my 20-year old self yet again, mentally opening that text message on a humid March morning telling me that inday Ana was gone. It was my very first encounter of having had my heart broken  from losing someone dear to death that up to now, I am still in the process of fully accepting this scar of remembrance in my heart. And so when I got the confirmation from nanay that you too, are gone, I was sucker-punched right instantly in the chest.

My sobbing, or wailing is more appropriate, wasn't exactly caused by grief right at that moment. I know myself well enough to be certain that my grief would come a little bit later, when I can already fully comprehend everything. Or, can one really comprehend death and loss and grief up to its tiniest detail? My wailing was more of an instinctive response, more like a physical response---like crying when you realize that an appendage, regardless of how small it is, was cut-off from you. My initial response is likened to the initial yelp when one's bones are fractured but the real despair, the real pain that sears to your very insides comes after when one realizes that he or she is temporarily broken and could not function completely as a whole. And, although healing will eventually come, it wouldn't be the same. There would always be that scar, there would always be that mark that would constantly remind you that at one point, a part of you ceased to function, that you actually lost something.

And so, before the waves of emotions would come to engulf me, which would momentarily leave me numb but would then again come in unpredictable intervals, what came to me instead were the memories, those mental images which are actually fragments of the past, which played in my mind in reverse like a motion picture.

The reverse flipping of these mental images then stopped at the very first image, stopped at the very bottom of the pile of memories---my very first memory of you. There was this distant, blurry memory of you baby-sitting me and Malaika. I was about 3 or 4 years old then. I remember you holding this raggedy doll which was bigger than me. The doll's name was Jennifer. There are no sounds or conversations to this very first memory, only this image which is like a still picture kept at some cobwebby corners of my mind.

The next image was me in my first grade, coming home and being handed by nene Imas with a short-sized bondpaper which had a sketch of a carabao on it. This time, you are not in this mental picture.What I remember instead was that  the sketch was made by you. What happened here was that my first grade teacher asked us to draw any national symbol as our project and I could not remember  what came into my 6-year old mind why I chose the carabao. Wouldn't it had been easier if I had chosen the anahaw leaf, or the mango fruit perhaps? So of course, my 6-year old hands and artistic skill could not muster to connect decent lines which closely resembled  a carabao. When nanay was finally fed up seeing a lot of crumpled bondpapers put to waste, she decided to simply cajole me into letting you do my project.This was not an easy task for her, I mean cajoling me to let others do the work for me. And so when I received the bondpaper with the sketch of the carabao, I gave nene Imas my usual grumpy face but deep inside, I was actually delighted to see the neat picture of the carabao on that piece of paper. This incident was forgotten over the years and definitely, there are some errors in the details that I am writing here. What is very clear to me instead is that zoomed-in image of that bondpaper with your carefully sketched carabao on it.

There were many images that followed right after that---it's like the fast flipping of a stack of still photos. But then another image that I clearly remember  happened on a very hot April afternoon, 3 years ago, a month before I left for Thailand. I was in my old clothes, drenched in sweat and paint. I remember I had this red bandanna wrapped around my head to prevent paint from dripping all over my hair. Out of boredom, I just said to nanay that day that I was going to repaint a portion of our sala's wall a brilliant shade of green. Everything turned out well until I realized that I could not get the proper mix of colors to complete the job that I started. Almost to the point of frustration, you laughed and teased me to death the way that you all do when I am in one of my I'm-bored-let-me-do-something-out-of-this-boredom-while-everyone-at-home-are-crossing-their-fingers-that-it-better-not-turn-to-a-disaster episodes. After you got your share of laughing at me, you eventually helped me mix the proper shade----saving our poor wall from a paint disaster, and saving me from days of being picked on by the rest of the family.

What's funny about recalling memories is that even the most insignificant and ordinary incidents would turn out to be poignant. Like, how I would always give a funny face from the bus window if it happens to pass by in front of your house and you are by the roadside. How, you would cook us lunch with whatever we had in the refrigerator when we were younger and nanay was at work while tatay was deployed somewhere. When all of these memories are puzzled in together, I can only come up with one word which I haven't really thought of describing you when you were still alive---kindness.

It breaks my heart to know that you could've chosen better options in life had your nanay not died early. It breaks my heart to look at your last photo taken last December, showing you clutching inday Ana's picture and all I could see in your eyes is sadness for having had lost several dear people in your lifetime. I would like to think that up to your last breath, you had no regrets for however you lived your life because you lived it according to your own choices and decisions.

Despite all the losses that you had to witness and bear, and despite the not-so-good decisions that you made in your entire lifetime, you never failed to show kindness and generosity to me, to us your cousins. I had always seen the pride in your eyes every time you would get the chance to introduce us to your friends and just about to anybody. I wish that I could’ve talked to you more, I could’ve shared jokes with you more, I could’ve been more patient when you picked on me. I am sorry that when I was younger, there were times when I got irritated with the fact that we had to share nanay’s time and attention with you. There were times when I was in between amusement and unbelief when she would worry more about you than about us. Now I understand. She was giving you the opportunity to grow up not feeling that you had no mother to take care of you, making you not only a cousin by blood but a big brother that we never had.

I fervently pray to God that He would compensate all the sadness that you had to live through in this life with a never-ending happiness in His glory together with mama Ikit, papa Adring, and inday Ana. I pray that you would be so happy in there that you would not even remember what sadness and grief felt like. I choose to believe that because by choosing to know that you are happier in God’s presence, letting you go wouldn’t be so much difficult.

Rest in peace toto Allan. You will always be remembered.

The Big Adventures and Lessons of My 2013

There were a lot of things that happened in 2013 but if I have to admit one thing, it’s that I feel that lately, my growth spiritually and emotionally has reached a lag, or so it seems.

I cannot exactly pinpoint it, but when the clock struck to 12:01 this morning which signaled the start of 2014, I silently uttered a prayer to God that despite the feeling of emptiness which I still need to process and understand, I thanked Him for it may be His work of emptying me like a cup so that He can fill me with new dreams, passions, ideals, beliefs, with a bonus of renewed faith, strength, and love.

And so, before I list down the things that I learned for this year as I have been doing for three years now, here are the highlights of my 2013:

Spent my 25th birthday in a students’ camp, without really having anybody know that it was my birthday

Celebrated Valentine’s day as single zombies

Helped prepare a 30-minute musical play

Got sun-kissed at home during the summer vacation

Joined a three-day Thai culture seminar

Visited one of the largest 3D museums in Southeast Asia

Blessed to have listened to a living inspiration

Had a Thailand-Laos-Vietnam road trip

Spent all-souls’ day in a students’ camp and was able to caress a snake and had a friendly, no-barrier communion with giraffes and zebras in the middle of a forest, at night ;)

Helped in the fund-raising for the Yolanda victims

Had the best of both ends of Thailand for Christmas---winter in the north, and summer in the south

However, 2013 wasn’t just all about road trips and camps and academic activities.

It was a year when I really understood what it feels like when your family and your friends who really understand you seem so distant that you have no one but yourself and the promise that He is with you. See? I am already 25 years old and I still have the same issues as that of a 16 year old. Life’s issues and challenges do not really change, you just become wiser.

It was a year when I fully understood that inner peace means letting Him take charge of the future when your father is in the ICU and there is a big chance that he would kick the bucket and all you can do is wait and have the faith that whatever happens, He is God and He is in control.

It was a year when I was poked by God to make me realize that my ego and vanity have blown out of proportions. I experienced what it felt like to be figuratively kicked in the stomach and being humbled to the point that I renewed my promise to reinvest in my self-esteem which doesn’t need the adulation and assurances of others. I experienced what it feels like to have my bubble of pride burst in front of me into innumerable pieces that I had to curl and literally lull myself just so I can sleep.

It was a year when my heart broke and hasn’t actually even mended yet, by witnessing my country bearing the wrath of a super typhoon. I now know how it is to be stripped naked in front of the whole world to see. I now know the excruciating pain of having nothing left as a Filipino citizen but pride and dignity. And I now know how it is to really feel such loss and heartbreak to the point of looking into the heavens and ask God, “Have you forgotten us?”. I am not a very vocal and showy person but this tragedy broke my heart to the point of wailing incomprehensibly to my mother over a long distance call, and that cry wasn’t for me nor for my family but for my country.

So, despite the apparent growth lag which I feel, there is so much to learn in life if you just allow it to teach you. In 2013, I learned:

1. to never mistake having your ego and vanity hurt as being hurt because of love.

2. to never assume the emotions and thoughts of other people. You have really no idea about the course of their feelings and thoughts.

3. to never really depend on other people because each of us has our own dragon to slay.

4. to stay still and know that He is God.

5. to look at my flaws and mistakes as a person squarely and realize that I am still an amazing creation despite all of these.

6. to identify who are the people who really matter and to never really care to please everyone.

7. to stay away from people who have too much drama in life.

8. to stay simple but to always give some time for my eccentric passions and delights.

9. to keep my pride as a Filipino intact by doing my share to extend help even though the whole world is looking down in our incapacity as a nation amidst a tragedy.

10. to spend less and travel more.

11. that I need to start reading again.

and,

10. to never really give up on love even though the odds are telling me that I am a difficult person to pursue because I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and my heart is just exactly in the right place.

I have long ago stopped making new year’s resolutions, nor do I make wishes anymore. I am not even superstitious. New year for me, is always a time to say “thank you” for the daily sufficient grace provided by the Almighty.

Life is definitely not perfect---dreams become so elusive, people whom we wholeheartedly trust fail us, the people whom we love couldn’t always be with us---but the good thing is that, God gives us BIG gifts to sustain us and to make us realize that life may in fact be not perfect, but it is still a great blessing.

My two big gifts, my constants, which I would always be awed and be humbled about are:

1. My FAMILY, which would always be my north in my life’s compass. It’s amazing how the same blood runs in our veins but we are all as different as the multi-colored m&m candies which are packed together by chance. They are the reason why I am not afraid to leave home, nor am I scared to take chances and fail because I know that I would always have a place and people to go back to.

2. My GYPSIES, old friends turned to family. They are some of the best that I know of---the perfect mixture of crazy and smart and unique and down to earth people. We may all have taken our different paths, chase our own dreams, establish our own lives, but we would always be connected by our sixteen year old dreams and lives which fate had amazingly converged. In all the hustle and bustle of growing up, they are always my emergency sanity button. Or, insanity haven, if I may correct myself.

In this new year, I don’t have any wish at all but I will surely DREAM some more, PLAN some more, WORK some more, and LOVE some more with no fear of failing because I have an amazing God who would always back me up.

In 2014, I will try hard to LET GO, and LET GOD.

Thank you 2013.

2014, bring it on!