A Letter to my 16-year Old Self

Jan 20, 2014


Dear Au,

There, there. You worry and fret so much about the future, dear. You worry about the result of your calculus exam, and you worry about whether you chose the right course for college, then you worry some more about being in the university in a few more months, and then worries about what might happen to you ten years from now.

I tell you, do not worry so much because you’ll do just fine. I, your 26-year old self is doing just fine. So stop worrying about what might happen 10 years from now because this is yourself, ten years after, who is writing to you. You have to realize by now that your heart is just exactly in the right place that whatever decisions you may take in the future, you will never get lost even if you try. And, even if you do, get lost I mean, you have such an abundant support and love from family and friends to get you on track again.

Oh, by the way! By lunchtime today, you will be receiving a stuffed bear and a handwritten letter from a boy who would be claiming that he loves you and would be loving you ‘til he doesn’t know when. Don’t fret. Don’t even try to shun him away. I know you well enough dear to guess that you will definitely feel so awkward once you receive those birthday gifts. And you wouldn’t know how to sort your emotions because when it comes to the “love” department, you are such a slow study. So, you think that your best resort always is to build those impenetrable walls again and project your don’t-bother-me face.

I tell you dear, you are too young to build walls around you. A fortress would be a too lonely place for a 16-year old like you who has so much potentials and possibilities in life. Even Rapunzel longed to go down the castle. You are not built for walls or lonely castles. You were built for the open fields, and seas, and skies, and love. So, gracefully receive those birthday gifts, say a gracious “thank you”, and enjoy those unfamiliar flapping of butterfly wings in your stomach. It is too early to be certain about your future but I tell you, it may not end exactly as you carefully planned it. You will get your heart broken, that’s a certainty, and just when you thought that you are already healed, the stitches would break loosely right back again.  But you will do just fine. Believe me. We will both do just fine. Don’t worry we will both try not to get jaded when it comes to love.

Those loud high school classmates that you have? Enjoy their company while you can and make as many memories with them because years from now, when you’d feel that life will render you nothing else but monotony, those memories will save you from the edge of insanity. In a few months, you would all be going your separate ways and you would be crying to death on your graduation day but here’s a loving glimpse of the future from your 26-year old self: they will all become your lifetime friends---a big, extended family even. So, don’t be too much disheartened and don’t close hour self up to people and possible good friends in college. Meet a lot of people during your university years, be friends even with those people who are entirely different from you, learn as much as you can. For whoever you may welcome into your life, those crazy high school people whom you accidentally got stuck with (Ahahaha!) would always be a constant in your life whether you’d like it or not. You will not only share high school memories but you will all be scared for the first day in the university together. For the next four years, some of you will fall in love and then get their hearts broken, some of you will stop speaking to each other but would then eventually make up, some of you may altogether stop school to look for another path. But, what I am only certain about is that right after graduation, when you would all be unemployed and then take on your first jobs together, and take those dreaded licensure exams and pass (or fail), and then go out of the country to work and experience your first loneliest Christmas ever, you’ll do just fine. You will all do just fine.

It may not seem like it but I, among all else, know that behind that peaceful demeanor is a rebellious soul. For the next years, I have seen you prove your point and disprove that which the world offers you. Your idealism and belief in the goodness of humanity is your strength dear, although most of the time you think otherwise. Don’t make your losses and grief and heartbreaks in the coming years make you jaded and hard, dear. Never choose fear and comfort in exchange for knowing what is there to know and experience. Make the world and your life and that of others become your mentor. Remember that you have a strong support system and you would always have a place and people to go back home to.

Write a lot. Sing, even with your off-key voice. Recite poetry and prose even though you would appear weird to your neighbors. Read a lot even though you’ve experienced how it is to be banned from the school library or how nanay would tell you several times that if you open one more book, she’ll definitely burn all your collections. Go on trips and don’t be scared to be lost. Don’t hold in your pain and sadness, cry, bawl even. Live your life with such passion and a load of “quirk” such that when you turn 26, you will not have any “what if’s” and “what could have been’s”.

I tell you dear, you will grow up into one fine lady. Not perfect, not even close to it, but definitely every bit that you hope or wish to be.

Don’t grow up too fast. If it’s only possible to hug my 16-year old self back in time, I would have hugged you to death today. We’ll surely be bff’s, don’t you think?

xoxo,

26 year old Au *wink*

P.S.

Just a friendly self-reminder, right after you receive that letter and stuffed toy today, you’ll get this weird feeling in your stomach that is close to getting sick. You’ll even lose your appetite for several days and will have a loose-poopoo-movement. You’re not getting any flu, nor is it a deadly virus. I think that’s what young people your age call as the onset of love, although I, your 26-year old self is still partial about that idea. You’ll get over it for sure. Just enjoy the flutters in your stomach while it lasts. *wink ;)

Day 8: Dear 2013

Dear 2013,

I have one request to you which you might find very odd.

Please don’t be tolerant or kind to me. If you must, put a strain on me, push me to my limits. I’m giving you the permission to shake me, drive me on the verge of my fears, let me hang on a very thin piece of string. You can do all that to me and I won’t complain. Well, maybe just a little (Ahahaha!).

I learned a lot of lessons in 2012. I had moments of “highs” and “aha’s”, really. And when I look back at it, I would say that 2012 was an okay year.

And that is the problem with it----2012, was just that. Okay.

I never really liked “okays” for they are too synonymous to mediocrity. I remember that there was even a time when I despised just the mere idea of it. When I was at the stage of being a raging idealist, I even vowed that I’d rather be the last on the list than being an “okay”.  No matter how I eventually mellowed down, I am still that idealistic person who believes that everything can be improved, even just a little. True, I silenced that person for quite some time now because I got tired of  the complications and having to constantly put everything on the line but when I really think about it, it’s being in action and being on the go when I feel that I’m living my life to the fullest.

Being passive and just letting life happen is comfortable and definitely easier. It was actually a whiff of fresh air being just that and I enjoyed it for quite some time, but I got bored eventually. So I’m letting the spark which I allowed to only flicker, to shine its most brightest again.

So dear 2013, don’t be kind to me. If you must, bring me to places outside my comfort zone. Introduce me to people who wouldn’t just tolerate me but would give me just the right amount of friction to soften my ragged edges. Put me in the middle of situations that would push me to think, to disregard boundaries, and to transcend expectations. If you must, let me fall in love unreasonably despite the looming possibility of getting hurt. Help me to return into that gangly kid again who still believes that she can change the world, even in just the minutest way possible.  I wouldn’t promise you that I would remain unscathed after 365 days but what I’m sure of is that I’ll be standing in the midst of the battlefield, bruised I may be, but definitely smiling that kind of smile of those who have fought a good fight.

P.S. Don’t worry too much about me. I’m made of sterner stuff than you think. If it would pacify you, I would just wave the white flag of surrender if I couldn’t really bear it, okay? *wink*

Day 7: Dear Connecticut Angels

Dear Connecticut Angels,

I am sorry. I am terribly sorry for those last minutes of your lives spent with unimaginable terror and fear. I am so terribly sorry for no one was able to calm you or offer you a pair of warm arms when your own warmth slowly left your little bodies. I am so sorry that nobody was there to tell you that everything is gonna be okay, even though it won’t be.

My heart is bleeding for you for having spent your last moments here on earth witnessing man’s cruelty. I could only hope that it happened so fast that you didn’t feel the pain or didn’t have time to process everything that was happening as to have totally lost all your childhood innocence to the indescribable evil that has befallen that man.

Please forgive all of us, forgive this world for having not able to protect you. Forgive this world for having failed to offer you a safe haven. Forgive this world for having taken away your whole lifetime away from all of you----the Christmases, the candles to be blown, the friendships to be formed, the teenage dilemmas, the chance of falling in love and having your hearts be broken, the chasing of some elusive dreams, the tears to be shed and laughter to be roared, the weddings to be planned, the places to go to---please forgive us.

What I can only offer now is my prayer, coupled with the confidence that you are in your own safe little place in heaven----free from any fears, free from pain, free from cruelty, free from any bullets that can stop the flapping of your own little pair of wings.

We may have failed to protect you, but please know that despite its cruelty, this world loves you Connecticut angels and we will continue to pray for you. 

You will all be remembered for a long, long time. 

Praying for all of you,

Teacher Au

Day 6: Dear Hon. Manny Pacquiao

Dear Hon.  Manny Pacquiao,

First and foremost, let me make it clear that I am not one of your avid fans. However, I believe that you have to be given the proper credit and respect that any athlete, one that represents the country at that, deserves.

Honestly, I wasn’t able to watch your fight today nor do I have any plans of watching it anytime soon. I just happened to know the news that you were knocked out by Marquez while scanning my fb wall.

 I may not be your fan but when I saw photos of you on the ring, right after you fell down, I was gripped by a momentary, deep sense of sadness and loss. A portion of it was for you, bloody and swollen----a clear picture of defeat. I also know how it feels to be defeated and to lose something so  personally vital, although our circumstance may be different. However, a big portion of that momentary sadness and loss goes out to those Filipino people who see you as a source of pride and hope. At a time when the confidence of the Filipino people was at its lowest and when hope was nothing more but an elusive truth, you represented the country and redeemed the lost confidence and hope of our kababayans . Although your past triumphs had no direct impact on our economy or on our politics, but the mere fact that you’ve awaken the Filipino spirit and pride, everytime you had a fight or with just  the mere mention of your name, was perhaps a small start in the change that we are aiming for.  

So Hon. Pacquiao, you may have been battered to defeat today, but I would like to give you the credit which you deserve. Only a few can manage to inspire a group of people at a time when the looming problem of poverty and bad governance shackle them---and you were able to do that. Again, I may not be your fan, but I would like to sincerely thank you. And with your defeat today, the whole Filipino nation, the nation which you proudly represented in all your fights, feel for you.

All good things must come to an end, an adage says. You come from a resilient race, and surely, you’ll find your footing and balance once again Mr. Pacquiao. Never mind, it’s just the end of a good career, not the end of everything.

A concerned Filipino citizen,

Miss Aura Carmela P. Ferrariz.

P.S. Don’t you think that the saying, “mothers know  best” is always true? Peace! :)

Day 5: Dear Mama Mary

Dear Mama Mary,

Today marks the day, thousands of years ago, when an angel appeared before you, proclaiming that God especially chose you to conceive His son, who later became our Saviour.

I can only imagine you being so young back then, younger than I am now. You were an expectant bride to Joseph, full of hopes and dreams for your future together. It might not have been written in the scriptures but you might had wedding jitters at that time----like all women who are about to be married go through. What went through your mind in the briefest seconds interval between the proclamation of the angel and when you gave your wholehearted yes? In that brief seconds, did your heart skip a beat? Did you even acknowledge a tinge of fear and hesitation? But those briefest-of-seconds-interval thoughts were all dimmed by your obedience to God’s will.

God did not make a wrong decision in choosing you among all women. You are definitely made of the sternest of stuffs to have been able to bear all the hardships that go with your acceptance of God’s will. 

Today, as we commemorate the Immaculate Conception, I try to put myself in your shoes. And judging from what I know about myself, I am not that resilient enough to go through what you had gone through. I may probably shake in fear and beg the angel to ask the Father to give me some more time to think.  I sometimes even  waver in my faith and there are moments when I question God’s plan. But like a lost child, I go back again and again to my Father who always welcomes me with my flaws and all. And that’s why you are so deserving to be the mother of God’s child and our mother as well-----your faith is so strong that it leaves no room for doubt.

Thank you for being our mother Mama Mary. You love each one of us equally, but I feel that my relationship with you is special and personal in itself. You have been an unfailing mediator of my prayers and a great comforter when God has different plans for me. And for the past two years, you have calmed my homesick heart and filled in my longing of home.

Please continue to guide me Mama Mary. Help me to grow in your love and in your unfailing mercy.

Love,

Au

Day 4: Dear Grinch

Dear Grinch,

I’ve been working with Christmas decorations and have been sprucing up our tree for a good portion of the day. I even sang some Christmas carols and witnessed the lighting of our school’s  giant Christmas tree. But all of those were done with the most enthusiasm that I could only muster. I waited for the festive mood to wash over me, but to no avail.

Please, please, don’t take my Christmas away. Okay?

Au

Day 3: Dear My Writing Muse

Dear My Writing Muse,

I’ve been particularly  lazy to write today---I haven’t even finished my Morning Pages exercise.

Forgive me for most of the time, I take the credits away from you and hand it to some people who come into my life in a whirlwind----as fast as how they come is as how fast they leave. And then during those times, I sulk and break into non-writing tantrums,  claiming a block even though you are actually asking for us to meet at the page.

Now, I understand that you are not present in people, or places, or circumstances, or in certain events. You are in me.  I’ve denied that basic fact for a long time because I was scared of that big responsibility. So, I tried looking for someone and something to blame whenever I get the urge to escape from being accountable in heeding what you ask me to write.  I sometimes still do that though, block you and then blame a particular person or circumstance. It actually works. But I don’t want that drama anymore. I realized that if I keep on doing that, you will keep on growing and I would remain stranded. And if that’s the case, that wouldn’t be beneficial for the both of us, would it?

So, I’m taking full responsibility. Please understand me during the days when I would ignore you. I would also try to understand if there are times when you would take your well-deserved break. Let’s compromise, okay? That’s one of the ingredients of any great relationships, and I perfectly think  that we can work this one out.

Love,

Au

P.S. Will you go with me on regular and exclusive dates?

Day 2: Dear ______________

Dear                                                      ,

Not putting your name in here is much for your sake than mine. You see, looking at your present status, this letter shouldn’t be written at all because it might cause quite a stir in the peace that you are trying to maintain in your family life.  However, I feel that I should have written this letter a long time ago just for the sole purpose of letting it all out. So, let’s make a compromise. Let me continue writing this letter, minus your identity, in the hope that some people who would by chance read this, wouldn’t get a single clue of your identity. And if some of those people are dearly close to me, to us, and who know our story quite well, they  would perfectly understand why is there a need for me to write this, would just shrug this whole thing off knowing perfectly that all of these are bygones. And if you are the one reading this, I perfectly know that every piece will fall perfectly together after reading this and you would go about living your life with one baggage less.

I am writing first and foremost to say sorry. That’s a first from me, right? I am sorry because I was too vague at a time when you were quite sure of your feelings towards me. I’m sorry if I left you hanging and waiting, probably for several years. I am sorry for giving you hints and letting you deal with your emotions alone. I can only imagine the pain and the desperation that I let you through. I am sure that if you just had a chance, you would’ve rattled and shaken me at one point just for the pleasure of it. I am sorry because I was quite a slow learner in the romance department. I am sorry because the growth of your feelings towards me came at a time when I wasn’t able to fully master the balance between my heart and my mind----and at that time, my mind was clicking in full gear. But if I can just turn back time, I wish I could’ve made it easier for you, gave you a definite yes or no and not left you hanging. It was also a struggle for me, you see. If it would give you peace of mind, I want you to know that I appreciate all the attention and declarations of love that you did and there were even several times when I felt that I was ready to give it a try. But I don’t have any regrets whatsoever. I believe that wherever we are at the moment and whatever our situations might be, all of these are meant to happen. I hope that you feel the same way too. 

When I was in the process of establishing my self concept and concretizing my beliefs and views of life and love, I felt that I was to be blamed for some of the things that happened to you. Like when you fell in and out of love for several times, or when you weren’t able to march with us during our university graduation. At that time, I secretly nursed my guilt. Looking back, I couldn’t help but smile bemusedly  I gave too much credit for myself over your decisions in life at that time. In the process of growing up and healing myself, I realized that thinking that I was partly to be blamed for your choices, meant that your world revolved in me, which was not the case. I learned along the way that we are to be accountable of whatever happens to us and of our choices---may they be wrong or right. So, I have forgiven myself for a lot of wrong choices and decisions in life, and I hope you had somehow forgiven me for being such a pain at one point in your life. And I know you are too smart so as to forgive yourself as well.

I am happy to see you finally living the quiet dignity of being a husband and a father. You see, God eventually would lead us to that one person who would eventually erase all our past hurts and would make us believe in the capacity of love to transcend everything.  I think you are lucky you know, for having found such a devoted and lovely wife. That’s spoken in its real context. I don’t question the love which you felt for me back then because I believe that nothing can beat the purity and passion of any young love. But, we must eventually look for that kind of love  that can withstand any tests--- which that young love couldn’t have managed because it was too delicate and impressionable. So, even though ours was just an “almost” case, but let’s give each other the closure and peace which we both deserve. 

When we meet in the near future,  which is not an impossible scenario since we belong to the same circle of friends, I am at peace with the idea that we’ll smile at each other, only as a form of acknowledging each other’s presence, without any thoughts of the past or of the “what-could-have-been”. 

Your old friend,

Au

Day 1: Dear Pablo

I’m starting a 22-day brigade of letters. That means this idea, if completely materialized, will be culminating on Christmas day. I love receiving letters, the real kind. So why not be the one to make them? Let’s take this activity one day at a time!

Dear Pablo (Or whatever your international name is.),

I’ve heard that you’ve finally taken your landfall in my city. Not dilly-dallying, are we?  But it seems that you’re fond of drama and theatrical build-up because the last time I checked, you’re still holding up the unleashing of your wrath. Are you having cold-feet or probably, you are just like the others who were so tactical that they waited for the rest of us to lower our guards before attacking?

In case you are still clueless, I just want you to know that we are not a group of people who are easily defeated. You have to put up all the strength that you have before you can crumble us into hopeless surrender. True, you may leave some of our people back home probably homeless, hungry, shivering, and scared tonight but you can never dampen the most essential part of these people’s being. Haven’t you heard that the Ilonggo spirit is waterproof? Frank may have shaken us about three years ago, but he wasn’t able to fully destroy our fortress of faith and resilience. So, what makes you think that we will bat an eyelash in the midst of your wrath?

Signal No. 3. Phew! Bragging, aren’t you? This will definitely  be a long night for the rest of Ilonggos back home, but with everyone taking a vigil armed with prayers and  faith, what are your chances of fully succeeding in your plans of destruction?

Anticipating your surrender,

Au

P.S. You don’t fight fairly. It’s almost Christmas. But then again, when have you and the rest, ever fought on even grounds?