The Art of Mastering Grief

There is no such thing as “The Art of Mastering Grief”. Every time one experiences loss, the grief that it brings kicks you in such a way that you couldn’t be prepared even if you experience it again and again. Sure, it feels familiar to the point that you can even say, “I’ve been here before, I know how this works.” However, with all its familiarity, you can never prepare for grief’s blow, nor can you ever become desensitized. Every time we experience grief, we go back to the very first time we experienced such terrible loss in our individual lives and we get to experience it again---like a motion picture played backwards. Every time I experience grief, I go back again and again to my 20 year old self, to that humid March morning when a simple text message had made me experience my first loss, which had shaken me to my very core and made me realize that we can lose the people whom we love anytime and sometimes, when we least expect it. 

And, whoever introduced the theory of the stages of loss and grief was actually subtly suggesting that there should be a time limit for your grieving. No, you don’t jump from one stage to another as clearly and as clinically as they are explained in almost all psychology books. No. You become this ball of emotions that couldn’t be easily described as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You become this ball of emotions that you couldn’t even understand yourself no matter how you clearly understood your DABDA lessons way back in university. Because, the thing is, we could never ever understand grief, not even if how much we try or how many times we have dealt with it. Understanding grief is way beyond our capacity as human beings. We won’t even come close to doing so, we can only learn how to deal with it---with no time limit or conscious effort of hurrying it as suggested by the society, as suggested by our Psychology books.

Maybe, we learn lessons from our loss. Maybe, there is really no lesson in them. However, loss, in any form, becomes a reminder of our own mortality. It becomes a reminder that we won’t be in this place forever. It becomes a reminder that we are just here as passersby.

The Big Adventures and Lessons of My 2013

There were a lot of things that happened in 2013 but if I have to admit one thing, it’s that I feel that lately, my growth spiritually and emotionally has reached a lag, or so it seems.

I cannot exactly pinpoint it, but when the clock struck to 12:01 this morning which signaled the start of 2014, I silently uttered a prayer to God that despite the feeling of emptiness which I still need to process and understand, I thanked Him for it may be His work of emptying me like a cup so that He can fill me with new dreams, passions, ideals, beliefs, with a bonus of renewed faith, strength, and love.

And so, before I list down the things that I learned for this year as I have been doing for three years now, here are the highlights of my 2013:

Spent my 25th birthday in a students’ camp, without really having anybody know that it was my birthday

Celebrated Valentine’s day as single zombies

Helped prepare a 30-minute musical play

Got sun-kissed at home during the summer vacation

Joined a three-day Thai culture seminar

Visited one of the largest 3D museums in Southeast Asia

Blessed to have listened to a living inspiration

Had a Thailand-Laos-Vietnam road trip

Spent all-souls’ day in a students’ camp and was able to caress a snake and had a friendly, no-barrier communion with giraffes and zebras in the middle of a forest, at night ;)

Helped in the fund-raising for the Yolanda victims

Had the best of both ends of Thailand for Christmas---winter in the north, and summer in the south

However, 2013 wasn’t just all about road trips and camps and academic activities.

It was a year when I really understood what it feels like when your family and your friends who really understand you seem so distant that you have no one but yourself and the promise that He is with you. See? I am already 25 years old and I still have the same issues as that of a 16 year old. Life’s issues and challenges do not really change, you just become wiser.

It was a year when I fully understood that inner peace means letting Him take charge of the future when your father is in the ICU and there is a big chance that he would kick the bucket and all you can do is wait and have the faith that whatever happens, He is God and He is in control.

It was a year when I was poked by God to make me realize that my ego and vanity have blown out of proportions. I experienced what it felt like to be figuratively kicked in the stomach and being humbled to the point that I renewed my promise to reinvest in my self-esteem which doesn’t need the adulation and assurances of others. I experienced what it feels like to have my bubble of pride burst in front of me into innumerable pieces that I had to curl and literally lull myself just so I can sleep.

It was a year when my heart broke and hasn’t actually even mended yet, by witnessing my country bearing the wrath of a super typhoon. I now know how it is to be stripped naked in front of the whole world to see. I now know the excruciating pain of having nothing left as a Filipino citizen but pride and dignity. And I now know how it is to really feel such loss and heartbreak to the point of looking into the heavens and ask God, “Have you forgotten us?”. I am not a very vocal and showy person but this tragedy broke my heart to the point of wailing incomprehensibly to my mother over a long distance call, and that cry wasn’t for me nor for my family but for my country.

So, despite the apparent growth lag which I feel, there is so much to learn in life if you just allow it to teach you. In 2013, I learned:

1. to never mistake having your ego and vanity hurt as being hurt because of love.

2. to never assume the emotions and thoughts of other people. You have really no idea about the course of their feelings and thoughts.

3. to never really depend on other people because each of us has our own dragon to slay.

4. to stay still and know that He is God.

5. to look at my flaws and mistakes as a person squarely and realize that I am still an amazing creation despite all of these.

6. to identify who are the people who really matter and to never really care to please everyone.

7. to stay away from people who have too much drama in life.

8. to stay simple but to always give some time for my eccentric passions and delights.

9. to keep my pride as a Filipino intact by doing my share to extend help even though the whole world is looking down in our incapacity as a nation amidst a tragedy.

10. to spend less and travel more.

11. that I need to start reading again.

and,

10. to never really give up on love even though the odds are telling me that I am a difficult person to pursue because I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and my heart is just exactly in the right place.

I have long ago stopped making new year’s resolutions, nor do I make wishes anymore. I am not even superstitious. New year for me, is always a time to say “thank you” for the daily sufficient grace provided by the Almighty.

Life is definitely not perfect---dreams become so elusive, people whom we wholeheartedly trust fail us, the people whom we love couldn’t always be with us---but the good thing is that, God gives us BIG gifts to sustain us and to make us realize that life may in fact be not perfect, but it is still a great blessing.

My two big gifts, my constants, which I would always be awed and be humbled about are:

1. My FAMILY, which would always be my north in my life’s compass. It’s amazing how the same blood runs in our veins but we are all as different as the multi-colored m&m candies which are packed together by chance. They are the reason why I am not afraid to leave home, nor am I scared to take chances and fail because I know that I would always have a place and people to go back to.

2. My GYPSIES, old friends turned to family. They are some of the best that I know of---the perfect mixture of crazy and smart and unique and down to earth people. We may all have taken our different paths, chase our own dreams, establish our own lives, but we would always be connected by our sixteen year old dreams and lives which fate had amazingly converged. In all the hustle and bustle of growing up, they are always my emergency sanity button. Or, insanity haven, if I may correct myself.

In this new year, I don’t have any wish at all but I will surely DREAM some more, PLAN some more, WORK some more, and LOVE some more with no fear of failing because I have an amazing God who would always back me up.

In 2014, I will try hard to LET GO, and LET GOD.

Thank you 2013.

2014, bring it on!

Ang Summer Lakwatsa ng Balikbayan na Titser

Here are some snippets of my recent ‘pinas vacay…

Nothing can beat the summer in ‘pinas!!!!!

Deeply Rooted, in Here

Home...is where the snowflakes in the middle of summer are actually the delicate narra blossoms that drift and somersault in midair and eventually settle to burst its vivid orangey color to the otherwise, barren earth.

(This is after teaching (or tricking?) my one year old niece of the make-believe that we used to do (and still do) when we were kids that falling narra blossoms are actually snow flakes. Yellow snow flakes in the middle of summer? Sure.)

                                                              *  *  *

Home…is where the grasses grow greener, more than they’re allowed or expected to be.

The Subtle Tang of Salt I Carry With Me Anywhere---Which I Don’t Mind

This is Philippines that is not covered by any news, the Philippines that is committed to my memory, stitched in my heart.

This is home.

It is the multi-colored sago beads floating on the pinkish, melted ice shavings in a left-over halo-halo.
The buzzing of mosquitoes on your ears on a warm summer night.
Blaring soap-opera sounds out of the windows of every nearby homes.
Off-key voices, singing all time favorite videoke pieces.
Sunburns, dried sand sticking on a pair of worned-out tsinelas.
Sticky hairs from too much sun and saltwater.
Whiff of dried fish mixed with the tangy smell of vinegar and soy-sauce on a crisp morning. 

Clothes and pillowcases and blankets hanging on the clothesline. The meeting of the glittering blue of the waters, and the soft blue of the skies.
The bursting of pink and orange and yellow and peach and purple on a setting sun.
It is the tasty fish balls downed with a bottle of chilled coke.
The loud colors of hanging banderitas, body paints on tanned skins, beatings of the drum that match the beatings of your own heart, and dancing….dancing everywhere.
The first bite on a saccharine water melon, or the thirsty gulp of pure coconut juice.
The intricately painted jeepneys, jam-packed with local tourist heading for the beach.
The steady buzz of the pump boat’s engine against the crashing of the waves.
Plump shrimps and inviting crabs.
Footsteps of the Floristas on a humid May afternoon.
Familiar voices, singing Hiligaynon Flores de Mayo songs. Latin prayers.
Dried flowers dumped on the corner of the dusty barrio chapel, from yesterday’s offering.
Pinas’ summer is for family, for pictures, and umbrellas…and memories.
Pinas’ summer is for gratitude, for the happy shades of green and blue.
Pinas’ summer, is always, always for going home.

Happy Birthday Inday Ana!

‘day Ana, happy birthday!

I know that it’s nonsense to be celebrating or even remembering this day when you are stuck at a certain age or remembered as a distinct and unchanging figure (You like that, huh? Stuck in our minds and hearts as 35 forever---never growing old and never getting an additional wrinkle? Ahahaha!). However, I would like to remember and quietly celebrate this day, every year, for the rest of my life

On this day, my quiet prayer when I woke up was more of a “thank you” for the gift of acceptance and letting go. There was a brief flashback of the pain which the family felt about six years ago---how you left without any premonitions or how you were the first person whose sudden absence gave me such grief that it was almost like a physical pain. I remembered how I would literally press my chest with such force for the fear that if I would momentarily loosen the pressure, my heart would just break into innumerable pieces. But then, despite these memories, I chose to remember how you were exactly when you were still living. I know that upon remembrance of those good memories, the pang of sadness and loss would also wash over me, but these are welcomed emotions for these are proof that you had made such an impact in our lives. I just want to thank you (Which I wasn’t able to personally do when you were alive since it didn’t come into my mind that you wouldn’t be staying forever.) for being such a supportive cousin/big sister. I couldn’t imagine a point in my growing years when you weren’t there---you were such an active member of my cheering team. Among us cousins, you were our leader that when you left, even though I am not the eldest when it comes to age, it felt that a big part of that role was instantly put on my shoulders….and I wasn’t ready.

But when I look back, I am thankful that we were able to transcend the part in which your loss has somewhat left us incapacitated. Although the pain is still there (and it wouldn’t completely go away), but it’s no longer a raw pain. It’s more of a quiet pain that leaves tiny echoes in our hearts and it’s not altogether an ugly pain---it’s a beautiful pain which results from losing someone who has lived a beautiful life.

I strongly believe that the quiet message of my heart can reach the heavens. And if it does, then you will know that I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving us six years ago. I forgive you for not holding on for a little bit longer. I forgive you for not even giving us any sign that you’ll be leaving. I forgive you for the raw pain which you left us. I forgive you for being no longer a constant in our lives at the moment. I forgive you for not being able to be part any longer of the things that we do and we will do. I forgive you for leaving such a big, irreplaceable place in our lives. Most of all, I forgive you for just opting to let go.

So ‘day Ana, be at peace. You will always be remembered and in the many years to come, you will always be a part of whatever endeavors that I will have.

Happy Birthday day! You are greatly missed!

Happy Birthday Jan! (Naks, ga-birthday ka man gali?)

You’re too young enough that you could even be one of the rowdy students in my class but the way you laugh at all my bad jokes and do the silliest things which I tell you to do (However much against your will and at the expense of your teenage cool, most of the time.) make you the coolest brother one could ever have. Ayeeeeee! Are you ashamed of this grilling, yet?

I know that sometimes----no, make that most of the time---- you get irritated when I could get to help others but I couldn’t even lend a hand at the simplest of your school requirements. I always answer your questions with more questions. Isn’t that irritating? I know, I know. That’s because sometimes, sisterly love should be tough. Okay? You’ll be learning along the way that there are just some things that you should do on your own. Call it my palusot, but you’ll agree with me eventually. Ahahaha!


Don’t rush to grow up----you have a lot of time for that. Enjoy every experience and opportunity that come your way at this stage of your life so that later on, you’ll have a lot of stories to tell. Follow your passion---drawing and art---and never for one second, take it for granted. Create more beautiful things and fall in love if you must (I’m a little bit hesitant about this. Okay?). Happy Birthday Negs!



xoxo,

The most awesome eldest sister you’ll ever have!

Streets, Sand, Water, and People----and How an Artistic Soul can Capture All These…

We haven’t seen each other ever since like, forever. My last memories of hanging around with her before she went to Greece *insert the soundtrack for any Greek mythology movie here! Ahahaha!* was when I was in my early high school years and imagine how long ago that was! But if there is one word that can perfectly describe her, it’s artistic.

She always had an eye for color, and symmetry, and pattern. I’ve forgotten that about her until recently, for whatever reasons, I was able to glimpse her artistic soul again through the photos which she took. Sure, my painfully  poor memory can remember how good she was in drawing and painting and sketching----she even drew some of my projects and assignments when I was a just a gusgusin elementary kid.

Call me biased because she’s my cousin but at the moment, I just love her photographic works that I am inspired to have written this post to give justice to her awesome works. I too am in love with photography that with my good’ol point and click digicam, there are moments when I could get lucky and get some wonderful shots. But next to her works, my wonderful photos become okay photos.

So before I rattle too much and sound like a dopey-eyed fan girl slash younger cousin, here are some of her works. I could put all of them there since they are all too awesome but the space allowed for a single blog post may not be enough. So here are some of my favorites instead: 

This is a reminder for me to point my old, ratty camera into something beautiful the next time I go somewhere and not just point it at my face and make some goofy expressions all the time! Oh, if only my good’ol camera can complain! Plus, it’s like an additional reminder that you don’t need to be recognized in order to fuel your passion and create something beautiful. It’s like being creative runs in the family, naks! Ahahaha!

P.S. Ne Aiza, keep on unleashing that artistic fire! And I think that one day, you need to put up your own studio because your works are just so absobloodylutely moving!

Warning: Cheese(y) Overload!

I grew up well-sheltered but that doesn’t mean that I grew up into a naïve person who doesn’t know that the world can be full of cruelty and ugly realities. It’s just that I see to it that I get to choose to walk on the sunny side, wear my brightest neon colors on days when the skies get so gloomy, or dance in the outpouring of rain.

Varying experiences may have humbled me down, but there are just days when I am reminded that humility is not just realizing your weaknesses but also remembering that there is a part of you that is just aWESome (Hahaha! This part is supposed to be a private joke which requires a separate lengthy write-up.)!

Just for today, my nanay sent me a suuupeeer cheesy mother-to-daughter text message which was supposed to send me cringing if I were a rangy 16-year old, but had made the 24-year old version of me at the moment all warmed up inside.

"Good luck sa oration! Si ma'am aura ang trainor, champion na kamo kay ang trainor best declaimer and orator!"

Thanks, nanay! I may not anymore need that kind of encouragement, and not to mention flattery, but it is deeply appreciated. I may not believe everything that you say and you may be more overly dramatic than I am on most days, but this is one of those days when I can almost believe that good things are always bound to happen. 

There’s no such thing as generation gap!

What happens when a 20-something (ahem!) big sister and a 14-year old dangling teener younger brother are together?

You could imagine an uncomfortable silence or an uneasy, awkward conversation due to a ten-year generation gap (I have to cringe at this, swear!). But that’s definitely a complete 180 degree turn in our case. Here’s why:

On the last night of my ‘pinas vacay last summer, when my luggage was still unpacked and my nanay was the one who was super anxious that I would be forgetting something, I chose to pretend that it was just any other ordinary nights at home (Sob here!) by having a jamming session with my younger brother. And when I say jamming, the typical one for us is two shrill voices which are awfully out of tune but are definitely belted out on the top of our lungs? Aren’t we just awesome? High five on this Jan! Ahahaha!

P.S Jan Leo, you might be crazy but I think I am crazier for being a bad influence on you sometimes. But on regular days, I think I can pass as a role model for an older sister? What do you think, huh?

Stop self-debating on your answer for this and remember where your loyalty should rest! Ahahaha!

Go Ahead! Live Your Life the "Mariz' Way"!

You may have doubts about your capacities, but one thing I admire about you is that you're free-spirited and that you have no doubts in speaking your mind. Yes, you might not believe me, but the world needs more free-spirited girls like us (Why do I keep on including myself? Cut it off, Au! Ahahaha!) YOU.

I may never understand the pains that you're going through nor will I even fathom the doubts that swirl around your mind, but one thing is definitely sure, you take pains in hiding them and go about and march around with enough pomp and blare and a whole lot of being on the wild side of life that makes the people around you think that you don't have fears, and doubts, and inhibitions, and questions like the rest of mere mortals like us do have. But I know better dear cousin. WE KNOW BETTER. Only the people who truly stop to examine your whole being, fragment by fragment (and still cares for you after all) and notice that flash-of-a-second sadness in the corners of your eyes which is often masked by your reverberating laughter and well-rehearsed haughtiness, can actually give you the reigns of your own life despite the possible odds.

We cannot direct your life for you, nor will I ever try to dictate you what to do. You are too proud and too too free-spirited for that. All I can ever do is be right there when you're bruised and all black or most probably go back with a triumphant smile after living the life which you decided to live. And you were not built for an ordinary and dull life that is based on norms and routine.

I know you'll get hurt in the process (And you'll hurt us many times over too.) But with your street-smarty pants and matter-of-factly views about life, all I can say is that live your life as you want it to be lived. You'll eventually learn, although most probably the hard way. But who hasn't? Be wild. Live your life as an exclamation. Live it as a proclamation that life's pains cannot shackle you. Live like you're giving justice to your most-loved, overused red lipstick---not a dull red, but that scarlet red one! ;)

Nanay, Thank You! :)

Let This Be My November Prayer :)

Dear Father God,

The day I found out that Inday Ana peacefully embraced the rest that you have been offering for quite some time, you were the subject of my denials and questioning, of my countless "why's" and my doubts. You've seen how the whole family was crushed down, how I was personally trying to grasp for reasons not to question your existence. That was five years ago. And at that one turning point in my life, when I fully realized how fragile life is and that it can be taken away anytime at the moment you least expect it, you were a silent receiver of all my pain and you acted as my quiet comforter. You let my troubled dreams come to a still, you lulled me into sleep when I felt that my heart couldn't bear the pain no longer, you offered me some more tears to spill out just to ease my pain when I felt that my ducts have gone dry from too much crying. You patiently waited for my questions to stop resurfacing, for my doubts to be replaced by faith, for my disbelief to be changed by hope, and for my pain to be powerfully displaced by abounding love.

And true enough, gradually, the grace of acceptance and letting go was bestowed on me------that it was actually bestowed on me long before but that fact was shadowed by my raw pain. And though the years will never erase nor diminish the pain, that it never can, but what it offered instead was the solace of a dull echo of Inday Ana's absence in our hearts which is not altogether a bad feeling since it offers us the memories of her life and a constant reminder that she was here, and will always be a part of our lives.

Then just several months ago, you again called a dear family member, Inday Nancy, a trustful confidante and a loving tita/friend. And just when I thought that I was prepared for the blow, I was wrong again. I think death has that certain kind of ability to startle you with a unique kind of pain----that you actually never can be ready. no matter how many times you've seen people pass away. But I was comforted with the idea that she is at peace now by leaving her tired and battered body----that she can never again worry of her heart to beat properly or for her lungs to breathe for her, that she will no longer drag her poor blood-clotted feet and pretend that she's okay when she's wincing in pain.

Lord, despite the pain, I am actually thanking you for ironically, during those moments when I felt that you didn't exist, those were the exact moments when I felt your presence quietly comforting me. And in a way, you let me learn some of life's greatest lessons: 1. That love can encompass everything, even death. and 2. Nothing lasts forever, only your LOVING MERCY.

Your healing daughter,
Au

Inday Nancy, Inday Ana, Nene Imas, Mama Ikit, Lola Meling, Lolo Cente, Lola Oping, Lolo Aurelio, baby July, my unborn baby sister-------you are all fondly remembered. Please pray for us as we are constantly parying for you.

They never can and they most certainly never will :)

I woke up today remembering that it's Sunday, instantly crushed with the thought that it's yet another day that I don't get to eat a late, lazy Sunday breakfast with loud and rambunctious people at home.

 But then a tingle of warmth inside me slowly crept and warmed my whole system with the thought that I may be alone and might feel lonely once in a while but the people that I'm longing to be with at this very moment are actually not completely detached from me, that they never can and they never will. Here's why:

• My nanay constantly daily reminds me through texts that I have to wake up already and do what I have to do for the day for she clearly knows that her daughter is actually a scatter-brained, absent-minded 8-year old who pretends to be an able and efficient 23-year old.

• I have a 14 year old brother who can be my student if the circumstance allowed it, but who never believes me when I answer his questions in his Biology subjects for it is already programmed in his twisted mind that his sister is his play-drawing contest-craziness moment-white lies-jamming partner buddy. So despite the distance, he constantly pesters me everyday and constantly denies that he misses me. Yet, I know better.

• A sister who supplies me constantly with her cheezy  stories.

• A family in which, in my absence, would most probably certainly think about me and insert me in their discussion in any chance they can get------during siestas, early morning talk, afternoon convene, inuman sessions of my cousins and uncles.

• A group of friends (high school classmates, to be exact) to pester and fight with and make up with though virtually, since they are scattered at different points all through out the globe.

So, I am actually alone in here, but almost always not lonely. I'm lucky. =)

Sisters' Act

It's a wonder. She's the better looking one but she's the one who is too camera shy to goof and make funny poses in front of the camera. While I, the all angles with no curves big sister, is the one who couldn't get enough of pictures.

This is one of those rare moments when I could coax her to relax in front of a camera. She  has this softly-rounded, well proportioned face that once made me hate my angular one. Talk about sister-envy....haha=)

She exudes this "suplada" aura around her and gets easily irritated when she could not make her point be understood but it's all her front to veil her fragile emotions. She's the type who would start a fight or a commotion and would end up crying in the middle of the battle that instead of pounding her instantly to defeat, you would get this strong urge to just cuddle her instead.

We grew up like cats and dogs, fighting over inconsequential things and then making up afterwards. Remember the time when we fought and we made a chaos all over the house---pulling at each other's hair, physically hurting each other and we were prepared to do it to death, pushing the tables and the chairs around the house and even climbing on it to get an advantage of height like we were on a duel? That is too funny to think now. But it wasn't fun when nanay had to make us kneel for two hours afterwards.

Yet, there are actually moments when sisters grow up, and grow tired of bickering and circling around each other's presence. There are moments when I still love to hate you and you admit that there are moments when you want to squish me when you have had enough of my crazy thoughts and ideas 'coz you are the serious and the more systematic thinker. You've become my walkathon buddy whenever I feel this strong urge to walk my stress and worries off and you would mutter and mumble a bit but would still go with me on my downtown walks or my jeepney rides, without actually a definite destination. 

Let's just admit it. You would have made a better "big sister" than I am because you are more grounded compared to me. But since we couldn't change destiny's plan and she let me out a full year ahead of you, let me play the big sister part here, okay?

 You may sometimes have doubts with your capacities and you often ask me how to go about some things when you are too unsure if what you've done is right, but let me tell you: you are greater than all your fears and doubts put together. You are a good planner  that you always put my incomprehensible plans to shame. You stick to the rules and you are good in comprehending and following it by heart 'til the final part when I have a lot of difficulty following step 1. You are not scared to delve in the matters of the heart and go for it when up to now, I'm only at the basic level---trying to live one day at a time with the realization that my one great unrequited love, will just be forever unrequited unless I do something about it or just completely drop it off. I chose the latter by the way, in case you ask. See? 

You're a whole lot better off. So why worry too much about a thing that you would one day just laugh about? You worry too much dear sister, to the point of getting sick.

God is with you on your board exam you crazy sisterrete! How dare you go to a fortune teller who told you that it will be a fifty-fifty chance? It's not about chance, nor luck, nor fate dear sister. It's about putting to test what you know and what you've learned. And you're not at the loosing end on that matter. 

So the next time you decide to put your fate on a fortune teller (May pinagmanahan ka talaga sa mga kabaliwan! Hay naku! No wonder...), better go to me. I'll tell you just what exactly you need that would black those (almost) perfectly shaped eyes of yours. 

Just prepare the fee though, no free service, even for sisters.

Cast your Wish

If you were to see one shooting star today, what will you wish for?

Shooting Star At Dusk


"I miss you 'lil bro. I miss the fact that you can easily ride on with my crazy ideas, your matter-of-factly way of telling me in your "I'm-grown-up manner": "Daw bata kaw gamay!", the way you effortlessly laugh at my corniest jokes and the way you would suppress that laugh sometimes to tell me "That's the most senseless and corniest joke that I've ever heard. Is that the best you've got big sister?", the way you cringe when I give you a bear hug, and the way you easily agree to be my model when the frustrated photographer hits me.


But most of all, I miss the way you would confide to me and tell me stories about school and nothing in particular with such great faith that you would often forget that you're just 13 and I'm a decade older than you are.