In Search for that Place of Calm

You need to find that calm.

You need to exhaust all your energy and passion and faith to find that calm where you can run into with everything that scares you as a grown up.

You deserve to have that sense of calm which makes you remember all your ideals and hope, dreams and wishes, your own goodness and beauty---essentials which you often forget just because life happens.

For whatever it's worth, you need to have that calm which makes you remember that the hustle and bustle around you are not reflections of who you are, that they don't have the capacity to disturb your soul without your permission.

You need to find that calm which makes you feel that deep down, your soul is truly at peace not because you are in control but because
Someone up there is magnificently greater than all your fears and imperfections put together.

It doesn't matter if it's a person, or a place, or a certain time. It may be a familiar scent, or a blanket you have since you were little, or a moment of silence. It doesn't really matter if it's in the gaze of your one great love or in the gaze of your own self in the mirror, staring back at you with all the strength and happiness that you can muster. I tell you, it doesn't really matter. Find your calm.

That Thing Called Tadhana

>The lines flashed on the screen before the start of the movie, "Para sa mga umibig. Nasaktan. At, para sa mga umibig muli. In short, tatanga-tanga lang.", sent everyone guffawing in unison (including me). In short, lahat nakarelate. Hindi lang ako sigurado kung alin dun sa tatlong categories ang malaking percentage ng dahilan ng pagtawa pero malaki ang hinala ko, dun sa tatanga-tanga lang. The crazy things we do for love, talaga naman.

>The whole story is like the love stories of everyone that we know of, including that of ourselves, fused into one. While listening to Angelica, all the while, I was muttering quietly, "Ay story 'yan ni ano! Teka lang, linya 'yan ni ano. Oh my, bitter na bitter lang, kaming-kami lang dati." And, the lines were delivered on point, with a load of realistic sarcasm. This is what sets indie films from the well-marketed, highly produced movies---the rawness, and the intelligent, well-thought of lines. Yung alam na alam mong ginawa with a perfect balance of puso and utak.

>The lead female character, played by Angelica Panganiban, is somebody whom everyone can identify with. Yung scene pa lang sa plane na ngawa siya nang ngawa habang nanonood ng One More Chance at nakikisabay sa mga linya ni Bea, that was the point I guess, which made her all the more real. Hello? Like almost everyone I know can attest to this: One More Chance is the ultimate break-up/where-do-broken-hearts-go-? movie. Ang mga ibang magdi-disagree, ayaw lang matawag na jologs pero at one point, siguradong napanood din ang movie na 'to. Classic. Nakasama na nga siya sa list ng classic movies ng Cinema 1 kasama ang Oro Plata Mata, Anak, Kapag Langit ang Humatol, at Hindi Nahahati ang Langit. Kaya, no further discussion on this matter.

>JM de Guzman is not your typical guapo artista but he has a way of charming his way to your heart. He didn't even need to over-act. He was just simply comfortable to watch.

>Minsan lang akong kiligin, sa mga weird na bagay at pangyayari pa. There were two scenes in the movie that did just that---one turned me into pure slush, the other reduced me into a puffy ball of awkward tears. Ahaha. The part when JM was trying to put his arms around Angelica's shoulder, no, that didn't make me kilig. It was actually more of JM's arm that did it, suspended in the air, undecided whether to support or to hold back. The awkwardness was just so real and endearing. The second scene (Yes, the part in which I was only one who probably cried.) was when JM said (not in verbatim), "Ako, napanaginipan din kita. Pero walang bungee jumping sa panaginip ko, walang talon-talon, walang bumitaw. Corny nga eh. Naglalakad lang tayo sa session road. Yun lang. Madaming tao, tapos naglalakad lang tayo." That was a beautiful metaphor for me of a quiet and constant kind of love---the kind of love that gives you this warm feeling rather than the heady rush. Quiet. Constant.

>I was having a conversation with somebody (You know who you are. *wink), and I said, "We love several people in our entire lifetime. Lucky are those who love at first try and then end up together, for good. But for the most part of the human population, it will be about loving several people all throughout their lives. And so we say the same words, show the same acts of love from one relationship to another. Which made me think, which are genuinely real, which are done and said only because they're supposed to be done and said?" I was reminded yesterday when I watched the film, "There are many kinds of love but not the same love can happen twice." Tama nga naman. Hindi nasusukat ang pag-ibig sa laki o sa timbang. Hindi nga sila dapat ipagkumpara kasi nga, iba-iba ang klase nang pagmamahal. I was pacified. Ewan ko lang sa kausap ko. Ahahaha.

>I was giddy because the movie showed broken people on the way to healing themselves who realize that when you love, you can't leave it all up to fate or destiny or tadhana. You fight for the people you love and when nothing else happens, let go.

>The short story about the heart and the arrow, hay. It's a gentle reminder that our hearts' choices have greater power over tadhana.

>Ang LSS ko ngayon ay Tadhana. Need I say more?

>The movie made me instantly want to backpack to Sagada.

>Where do broken hearts go nga ba? Iyan ang pilit na sinagot sa pelikula. Hindi ko pa din alam ang sagot, at kahit yung director, hindi din nasagot ang tanong na ito. But for now, I'm just sure of one thing: Let's go to Bagiuo/Sagada and fall in love. If not, we can start in Iloilo's little Bagiuo. Let's go there and fall in love. *wink

The Art of Mastering Grief

There is no such thing as “The Art of Mastering Grief”. Every time one experiences loss, the grief that it brings kicks you in such a way that you couldn’t be prepared even if you experience it again and again. Sure, it feels familiar to the point that you can even say, “I’ve been here before, I know how this works.” However, with all its familiarity, you can never prepare for grief’s blow, nor can you ever become desensitized. Every time we experience grief, we go back to the very first time we experienced such terrible loss in our individual lives and we get to experience it again---like a motion picture played backwards. Every time I experience grief, I go back again and again to my 20 year old self, to that humid March morning when a simple text message had made me experience my first loss, which had shaken me to my very core and made me realize that we can lose the people whom we love anytime and sometimes, when we least expect it. 

And, whoever introduced the theory of the stages of loss and grief was actually subtly suggesting that there should be a time limit for your grieving. No, you don’t jump from one stage to another as clearly and as clinically as they are explained in almost all psychology books. No. You become this ball of emotions that couldn’t be easily described as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You become this ball of emotions that you couldn’t even understand yourself no matter how you clearly understood your DABDA lessons way back in university. Because, the thing is, we could never ever understand grief, not even if how much we try or how many times we have dealt with it. Understanding grief is way beyond our capacity as human beings. We won’t even come close to doing so, we can only learn how to deal with it---with no time limit or conscious effort of hurrying it as suggested by the society, as suggested by our Psychology books.

Maybe, we learn lessons from our loss. Maybe, there is really no lesson in them. However, loss, in any form, becomes a reminder of our own mortality. It becomes a reminder that we won’t be in this place forever. It becomes a reminder that we are just here as passersby.

This is what you Get From Moving Around, A Lot----A Load of Stories and Photographs, And Little Heartaches Once in a While

During my last night in Lampang, while I was a roller coaster of emotions----packing my bags, having a last minute check of my passport and ticket, overthinking if I should really go home or just cancel my flight, sending last minute messages to people, crying and laughing my heart out like crazy----Ahne was actually busy writing this letter and making collages out of our beautiful adventures and memories for three years. When I got to read this while I was busy folding and refolding clothes, I bawled like a child, about to be sent away from home. And that’s ironic because I was actually going home. Ahahahaha.

At that moment, I blurted to Ahne that I will definitely find where to grow my roots soon because I realized that my heart is not as elastic as before. I realized that it’s not actually true that people eventually will get used to leaving and being left, that as you grow older, it actually becomes even harder.

It’s a wonder that Ahne and I became such good friends when we’re so completely different. We’re like two people on different poles. But I guess that’s the beauty of having a free spirit and an open heart----you get to embrace and to love people who, on normal circumstances, would have been strangers on the streets that you just passed by and overlooked. I would always be amazed by the amazing gift of people and of friendship for I get to share, even for just a fraction of time, the beautiful souls and minds of people like Ahne.

Dear Aura Carmela P. Ferrariz,

Asking you if I am the reason why you are leaving Thailand only proves one thing, how crazy, paranoid and preposterous person I am (and yes I hold on to that 10% chance that you will say "Yes", and gladly you said "No". Ahahahaha!). But whatever your f$@?!'n reason is, I hate it, I totally despise it. If I could just know a way of how to keep all my friends to stay so that they will always be with me, I will really do it. Lucky you! I don't know and I will never know. More than anything, your happiness matters, your dreams are important and the need to grow and learn is a part of you.

But whatever the reasons God has in mind for crossing our paths, this is one thing I will always thank him for. Thanking him for a person who I can...

..share my weirdest thoughts, rollercoaster of emotions and wildest dreams.

..goof around, laugh till we die, and not afraid to try new things.

..get lost in a big city, enormous country or even in the craziest world.

..eat, eat and eat until the wee hours of night.

..hop on the bus, ride tuktuk, board the plane or even jump in the deepest sea without even knowing how to swim.

..cry and get "kilig"over koreanovelas.

..admire how good-looking we are in the pictures, repeatedly.

..share stories, heartaches, experiences and learn from it.

..realize that drinking soju and speaking Thai has the same effect.

..think in the same wavelength, kingdom, phylum, class, family.. What's next?

..climb a tree, roll in the grass, take jump shots, underwater shots, and plan a theme oriented pictorial.

Three years of a long crazy adventure. Honestly, I look forward to my next journey because I learned that somewhere along the way, I will stop and meet someone with whom I can share a simple story, laugh awkwardly, enjoy the time, get to know more, accept the flaws and love the person, and attach a friendship string to them because that's exactly what happened to us. Three years is so worth it to gain a longtime friend like you. Thank you for the opportunity.

We may part ways now, we may not see and talk as often as we do now, but I know that our friendship is not and will never be bounded by distance nor time. That soon, we will be sharing a cup of coffee in Paris, diving in Maldives, or locking our hearts in the Namsan Tower.

Till next time Aura! God be with you always! Your next journey will be as awesome as our trip in Korea. You are a beautiful blessing that God has perfectly made.

Better Than Beautiful

For there’s nothing more freeing, more liberating, than escaping society’s standards of “beautiful”.

My sentiments, exactly. ;)

“Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I have already heard the word rubbed raw across the flesh of so many girls before me. Thrown at them like rocks that beat the skin of those we do not understand. “You are beautiful,” we yell with such contempt. “God dammit, why won’t you just believe me, you’re beautiful!” It is not a compliment. It is a victory march of your own self sacrifice. “You’re beautiful,” we say through gritted teeth. “You’re beautiful,” we spit out through tears, looking at a reflection we hate. “You’re beautiful,” we say, holding a body that has never felt the arms of another. “You’re beautiful.” Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. A word like that floats on the surface, give me something with depth. Tell me I’m intelligent. Tell me I’m courageous. Tell me that when I laugh the whole world smiles. Tell me that my voice is sweeter than strawberries. Remind me that my hands have helped flowers grow, painted the ocean, and captured the sky in my phone. Assure me that with a mind like mine, I can change the world. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t really care if it’s true. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that beauty goes through and through. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve felt the word splatter against me enough for a lifetime. I am better than the “beautiful” that slips from your lips. I am the ocean, 36,000 feet deep. There are parts of me you have never seen. I am outer space, infinite in your search. I am not simply “beautiful.” I’m a fucking masterpiece.”

(c) berlin-artparasites

A Letter to my 16-year Old Self

Jan 20, 2014


Dear Au,

There, there. You worry and fret so much about the future, dear. You worry about the result of your calculus exam, and you worry about whether you chose the right course for college, then you worry some more about being in the university in a few more months, and then worries about what might happen to you ten years from now.

I tell you, do not worry so much because you’ll do just fine. I, your 26-year old self is doing just fine. So stop worrying about what might happen 10 years from now because this is yourself, ten years after, who is writing to you. You have to realize by now that your heart is just exactly in the right place that whatever decisions you may take in the future, you will never get lost even if you try. And, even if you do, get lost I mean, you have such an abundant support and love from family and friends to get you on track again.

Oh, by the way! By lunchtime today, you will be receiving a stuffed bear and a handwritten letter from a boy who would be claiming that he loves you and would be loving you ‘til he doesn’t know when. Don’t fret. Don’t even try to shun him away. I know you well enough dear to guess that you will definitely feel so awkward once you receive those birthday gifts. And you wouldn’t know how to sort your emotions because when it comes to the “love” department, you are such a slow study. So, you think that your best resort always is to build those impenetrable walls again and project your don’t-bother-me face.

I tell you dear, you are too young to build walls around you. A fortress would be a too lonely place for a 16-year old like you who has so much potentials and possibilities in life. Even Rapunzel longed to go down the castle. You are not built for walls or lonely castles. You were built for the open fields, and seas, and skies, and love. So, gracefully receive those birthday gifts, say a gracious “thank you”, and enjoy those unfamiliar flapping of butterfly wings in your stomach. It is too early to be certain about your future but I tell you, it may not end exactly as you carefully planned it. You will get your heart broken, that’s a certainty, and just when you thought that you are already healed, the stitches would break loosely right back again.  But you will do just fine. Believe me. We will both do just fine. Don’t worry we will both try not to get jaded when it comes to love.

Those loud high school classmates that you have? Enjoy their company while you can and make as many memories with them because years from now, when you’d feel that life will render you nothing else but monotony, those memories will save you from the edge of insanity. In a few months, you would all be going your separate ways and you would be crying to death on your graduation day but here’s a loving glimpse of the future from your 26-year old self: they will all become your lifetime friends---a big, extended family even. So, don’t be too much disheartened and don’t close hour self up to people and possible good friends in college. Meet a lot of people during your university years, be friends even with those people who are entirely different from you, learn as much as you can. For whoever you may welcome into your life, those crazy high school people whom you accidentally got stuck with (Ahahaha!) would always be a constant in your life whether you’d like it or not. You will not only share high school memories but you will all be scared for the first day in the university together. For the next four years, some of you will fall in love and then get their hearts broken, some of you will stop speaking to each other but would then eventually make up, some of you may altogether stop school to look for another path. But, what I am only certain about is that right after graduation, when you would all be unemployed and then take on your first jobs together, and take those dreaded licensure exams and pass (or fail), and then go out of the country to work and experience your first loneliest Christmas ever, you’ll do just fine. You will all do just fine.

It may not seem like it but I, among all else, know that behind that peaceful demeanor is a rebellious soul. For the next years, I have seen you prove your point and disprove that which the world offers you. Your idealism and belief in the goodness of humanity is your strength dear, although most of the time you think otherwise. Don’t make your losses and grief and heartbreaks in the coming years make you jaded and hard, dear. Never choose fear and comfort in exchange for knowing what is there to know and experience. Make the world and your life and that of others become your mentor. Remember that you have a strong support system and you would always have a place and people to go back home to.

Write a lot. Sing, even with your off-key voice. Recite poetry and prose even though you would appear weird to your neighbors. Read a lot even though you’ve experienced how it is to be banned from the school library or how nanay would tell you several times that if you open one more book, she’ll definitely burn all your collections. Go on trips and don’t be scared to be lost. Don’t hold in your pain and sadness, cry, bawl even. Live your life with such passion and a load of “quirk” such that when you turn 26, you will not have any “what if’s” and “what could have been’s”.

I tell you dear, you will grow up into one fine lady. Not perfect, not even close to it, but definitely every bit that you hope or wish to be.

Don’t grow up too fast. If it’s only possible to hug my 16-year old self back in time, I would have hugged you to death today. We’ll surely be bff’s, don’t you think?

xoxo,

26 year old Au *wink*

P.S.

Just a friendly self-reminder, right after you receive that letter and stuffed toy today, you’ll get this weird feeling in your stomach that is close to getting sick. You’ll even lose your appetite for several days and will have a loose-poopoo-movement. You’re not getting any flu, nor is it a deadly virus. I think that’s what young people your age call as the onset of love, although I, your 26-year old self is still partial about that idea. You’ll get over it for sure. Just enjoy the flutters in your stomach while it lasts. *wink ;)

The Big Adventures and Lessons of My 2013

There were a lot of things that happened in 2013 but if I have to admit one thing, it’s that I feel that lately, my growth spiritually and emotionally has reached a lag, or so it seems.

I cannot exactly pinpoint it, but when the clock struck to 12:01 this morning which signaled the start of 2014, I silently uttered a prayer to God that despite the feeling of emptiness which I still need to process and understand, I thanked Him for it may be His work of emptying me like a cup so that He can fill me with new dreams, passions, ideals, beliefs, with a bonus of renewed faith, strength, and love.

And so, before I list down the things that I learned for this year as I have been doing for three years now, here are the highlights of my 2013:

Spent my 25th birthday in a students’ camp, without really having anybody know that it was my birthday

Celebrated Valentine’s day as single zombies

Helped prepare a 30-minute musical play

Got sun-kissed at home during the summer vacation

Joined a three-day Thai culture seminar

Visited one of the largest 3D museums in Southeast Asia

Blessed to have listened to a living inspiration

Had a Thailand-Laos-Vietnam road trip

Spent all-souls’ day in a students’ camp and was able to caress a snake and had a friendly, no-barrier communion with giraffes and zebras in the middle of a forest, at night ;)

Helped in the fund-raising for the Yolanda victims

Had the best of both ends of Thailand for Christmas---winter in the north, and summer in the south

However, 2013 wasn’t just all about road trips and camps and academic activities.

It was a year when I really understood what it feels like when your family and your friends who really understand you seem so distant that you have no one but yourself and the promise that He is with you. See? I am already 25 years old and I still have the same issues as that of a 16 year old. Life’s issues and challenges do not really change, you just become wiser.

It was a year when I fully understood that inner peace means letting Him take charge of the future when your father is in the ICU and there is a big chance that he would kick the bucket and all you can do is wait and have the faith that whatever happens, He is God and He is in control.

It was a year when I was poked by God to make me realize that my ego and vanity have blown out of proportions. I experienced what it felt like to be figuratively kicked in the stomach and being humbled to the point that I renewed my promise to reinvest in my self-esteem which doesn’t need the adulation and assurances of others. I experienced what it feels like to have my bubble of pride burst in front of me into innumerable pieces that I had to curl and literally lull myself just so I can sleep.

It was a year when my heart broke and hasn’t actually even mended yet, by witnessing my country bearing the wrath of a super typhoon. I now know how it is to be stripped naked in front of the whole world to see. I now know the excruciating pain of having nothing left as a Filipino citizen but pride and dignity. And I now know how it is to really feel such loss and heartbreak to the point of looking into the heavens and ask God, “Have you forgotten us?”. I am not a very vocal and showy person but this tragedy broke my heart to the point of wailing incomprehensibly to my mother over a long distance call, and that cry wasn’t for me nor for my family but for my country.

So, despite the apparent growth lag which I feel, there is so much to learn in life if you just allow it to teach you. In 2013, I learned:

1. to never mistake having your ego and vanity hurt as being hurt because of love.

2. to never assume the emotions and thoughts of other people. You have really no idea about the course of their feelings and thoughts.

3. to never really depend on other people because each of us has our own dragon to slay.

4. to stay still and know that He is God.

5. to look at my flaws and mistakes as a person squarely and realize that I am still an amazing creation despite all of these.

6. to identify who are the people who really matter and to never really care to please everyone.

7. to stay away from people who have too much drama in life.

8. to stay simple but to always give some time for my eccentric passions and delights.

9. to keep my pride as a Filipino intact by doing my share to extend help even though the whole world is looking down in our incapacity as a nation amidst a tragedy.

10. to spend less and travel more.

11. that I need to start reading again.

and,

10. to never really give up on love even though the odds are telling me that I am a difficult person to pursue because I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and my heart is just exactly in the right place.

I have long ago stopped making new year’s resolutions, nor do I make wishes anymore. I am not even superstitious. New year for me, is always a time to say “thank you” for the daily sufficient grace provided by the Almighty.

Life is definitely not perfect---dreams become so elusive, people whom we wholeheartedly trust fail us, the people whom we love couldn’t always be with us---but the good thing is that, God gives us BIG gifts to sustain us and to make us realize that life may in fact be not perfect, but it is still a great blessing.

My two big gifts, my constants, which I would always be awed and be humbled about are:

1. My FAMILY, which would always be my north in my life’s compass. It’s amazing how the same blood runs in our veins but we are all as different as the multi-colored m&m candies which are packed together by chance. They are the reason why I am not afraid to leave home, nor am I scared to take chances and fail because I know that I would always have a place and people to go back to.

2. My GYPSIES, old friends turned to family. They are some of the best that I know of---the perfect mixture of crazy and smart and unique and down to earth people. We may all have taken our different paths, chase our own dreams, establish our own lives, but we would always be connected by our sixteen year old dreams and lives which fate had amazingly converged. In all the hustle and bustle of growing up, they are always my emergency sanity button. Or, insanity haven, if I may correct myself.

In this new year, I don’t have any wish at all but I will surely DREAM some more, PLAN some more, WORK some more, and LOVE some more with no fear of failing because I have an amazing God who would always back me up.

In 2014, I will try hard to LET GO, and LET GOD.

Thank you 2013.

2014, bring it on!

Lessons of God’s Grace and of a Woman’s Worth from Maricar

The cyber community is again buzzing with a recently viral video of the actress, Maricar Reyes.

…but this time, it’s about her beautiful and heartfelt wedding to local singer, Richard Poon.

From her infamous and scandalous video years ago, Maricar rose up from that controversy into a woman who proves that amidst the uproars and forces to crumble one’s dignity and spirit, taking the high roads is always the best defense. She proved that silence isn’t for the weak and sometimes, to remain so despite the strong urge to defend one’s wounded pride, is a true test of strength of character.

With that, she became the perfect epitome of grace under pressure.

Maybe, God decided that for all that she had to bear, it is just right to bless her with a kind of love that has the capacity to erase all the shame and self-doubt that she felt when the shadows of her past came after her, a few years back. We all, at one point in our lives, have done crazy things (some of them are admittedly cringe-worthy enough) all for the name of LOVE. She was just one unlucky lady to have hers broadcasted all over the country. Her choice to remain silent might have raised a lot of eyebrows, but I believe that it was the best decision to save her pride (or what might have remained of it).

Her story is an inspiration to all ladies, an eye-opener that God doesn’t only give second chances, but many chances and options as well, to those who refuse to let their past mistakes define them. It gives a glimmer of hope to those ladies who feel that they are broken, reminding them that a woman’s worth can always be restored by the right choices, with the right attitude, with the right people, and by God’s abounding grace. Her story was proof that no amount of force that targets to crumble our dignity and worth as women, can ever stop us from setting and resetting our standards another bar higher.

If I will have a daughter one day, I hope that I can be able to hone her into a woman who knows her worth and strength as a woman. I will tell her that it’s always okay to set high standards because she is worth it. I will keep on reminding her, despite the popular opinion, that it’s okay to set high standards because God will help her to reach those standards. I will teach her to never settle for anything less than what she deserves.

In the present times, men like Richard Poon---men who knows how to respect, cherish, and honor the women whom they love, are definitely rare. The way he opted to have their first kiss as a couple on their wedding day might probably be too old-fashioned for the taste of others, but it was a very sweet and sincere way of showing that he honors his wife. And I’ll bet my one cent that even the most cynical among us must have had their hearts turned into slush upon seeing that first, shy kiss of this couple. That first kiss couldn’t be described any better than, sweet.

I hope that the men who got a chance to watch the video, would have gotten an idea or two on how to not only love, but to cherish and honor the women in their lives. It would be such a great joy to have more men who would start realizing that physical expression is an extremely beautiful way of confirming and showing love, but the thing is, it can always wait.

I am praying that if I get to have a son one day, I fervently pray that God would give me the grace to inculcate in him respect for every women. I hope that he would grow up into a man who perfectly knows that when he loves a lady, he loves the heart, the mind, and soul of that lady--- and that he would gain strength and manly pride in letting the lady whom he loves realize how beautiful he finds the totality of her being.

So ladies, let us never doubt that God had already reserved a beautiful story for us in his collections of love stories. Honestly, I’m starting to get jaded, what with the countless stories of heartbreaks and betrayals that we see and hear everyday.But stories like this are a confirmation that God is in control if we just let Him be.

And while waiting for our own love story to unfold, let us demand for every ounce of respect and honor that we are worthy of, as ladies of strength and of character.

*While writing this, my heart was actually terribly bleeding, for one of my ultimate crushes had already tied the knot. But Maricar’s one fine lady, so I’ll gracefully give in. *wink*

Vigilance (which spells p-a-r-a-n-o-i-a) Ruins Romance

One of my favorite independent short film/video makers, Wong Fu Productions, once made a series of short flicks entitled “Technology Ruins Romance”. The story lines of the flicks are actually funny with a tinge of sarcasm, but very true all the same---tackling several possibilities (and realities) of how technology, yes, ruins romance.

I have my own version of that, in real life though. I’ll not label this personal anecdote as “Technology Ruins Romance”. Probably, it could be any of the following----“Realism Overdose Ruins Romance”, “Vigilance Ruins Romance”, or most probably, “Being-a-close to-jaded-twenty-something-single-in-the-present-times Ruins Romance”. Here’s why:

Last October 15 of last year, while I was catching my flight from Manila to Bangkok, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the airport which could actually be a perfect setting for any movies and novels about mushy love stories, serendipity, and random-strangers-ending-up-together, it dawned on me that those movie and novel plots are close to impossible in the present times and with the current way of thinking of people. Well, people like me to be exact. 

After the SOP scanning of hand-carry baggages and other personal stuffs, I hurriedly sat on a nearby bench while carrying my sandals on my left hand and my overnighter bag on the other. While I was busy strapping my sandals on, I saw from my peripheral vision that a person sat next to me. And from my position, I could see that he was also putting his shoes on. When I was almost done putting the buckle of the sandal on my right foot, I heard the man saying in a low voice, “Uhm, excuse me Miss.” 

Now, before I continue, let me tell you that I have this weird fixation on certain kinds of voices---that when I heard the voice of that stranger (Oh di ‘ba parang romance novel lang? *cringe* Ahahaha!), I momentarily stopped what I was doing (While mutely saying, “wow”.) to look at him and made sure that it was actually me that he was talking to. When I threw him a polite but at the same time an i-don’t-know-you-are-you-talking-to-me? glance, I realized that it was actually me that he was talking to since nobody was at close proximity from where we were at that particular moment, unless that stranger of a man was of the delusional kind (Ahahaha!). Since I can be a keen observer if I really will myself to, I estimated that he was about in his late 20’s or early 30’s, the clean-cut type (The ones who are brought home by female lead characters in movies, and then they turn out to be psycho-murderers. See how morbid I can be?). He had his glasses on and he was wearing a polo and well-fitted pair of jeans. And, from my previous  position when I was buckling my sandals, I noticed that his shoes were actually polished. In short, the man was okay. Alright, he was above okay. So, I politely replied, “Yes?”

What he said next exceeded my concept of “weird comment from a stranger”. Much more a stranger who was a man. He then said, “Nice sandals.”

Nice sandals? Of all the random things to hear from a stranger/man!

Now, if that was a movie, that would have been a cute start of the pa-tweetums scenes. If it was a scene from a movie, the female character (that was me) would have made a witty reply then walked away only to find out that they have to sit next to each other on the plane and that would have been the start of their romantic and clichéd love story.

Moreover, if it was a chapter in a novel, the guy would have asked the girl for coffee while waiting for their own flights. Then, they would separate ways and by some twist of fate or you may call it serendipity, they would meet again. The man would then pursue the girl however, there will be some complications like distance, or a past relationship with no formal closure, on either party that would add drama to their courtship and budding romance. But in the end, they would realize that they love each other too much to let those problems stop them from being together.

However, that was in real life---a life in which I was raised as not to talk to strangers, even how unsuspecting they might be. It happened at a time, when everywhere you go, you have to religiously follow one reminder: Be vigilant.

That’s a little bit sad, albeit harsh. But that’s reality.

So the moment he asked me, a train of thoughts raced through my mind: “What if this man is actually a psycho who targets his victims in airports?”, “What if he would quietly slip a packet of drugs on my bag while I was talking to him?”, “What if he is gay who actually designs shoes? For what straight man would actually notice a lady’s sandals on a random, first encounter?” 

So since this is real life, I smiled and simply replied, “Thank you.” and then walked away. End of story.

Now, I know that airport romances have slim chances of having to actually happen (at least for me)---and to think that I was pining for just that kind of story. Oh snap! #

8 years to forever, okay?

Happy 8 years of LOVE and LAUGHTER  and KILIG (Ayeeeee!) to the both of you Che and Karl!!!!!!!

If there’s a word greater and stronger than “happy” in order to greet you on the eighth year of your wonderful love story, then I would have probably used that word. 

It warms my heart to see both of you growing in love despite your apparent geographical distance for most of the time. While I am writing this, I can’t help but smile while remembering how your story started waaaaay back from high school, up to now. It has grown from pa-tweetums-love into a kind of love that is mature enough as to have deepened with time and even with distance. 

Your story has a way of tugging into our hearts with the fact that you can look back into the past and know that you can look back at each stage of your life---from awkward high schoolers, to idealistic but happy-go-lucky university students, to unemployed fresh out of university graduates, to struggling young adults at the bottom of the working force ladder paving for the way up---and see each other in each step and in every transition, sharing mutual stories, mutual laughters, and mutual friends (gapadara-dara lang, ahahahaha!). And I am so happy that we are somehow part of some tinie-tiny-tidbits of your LOVE story and we are mute loud witnesses to the growth of your love. 

Happy anniversary Che and Karl!!!!! The world is a much better place with your love for each other in it. Best love story ever, swear!  IDOL!!! *wink*

…and because the 7 seas (7 seas guid man? Ahahahaha!) are a great part of your story, I can’t help but include this “Jack-Rose” scene.

P.S. When can we hear the _ _ _ _ _ _ _ bells?

The Non-existent

It’s the moment between wakefulness and sleep when he lingers. That particular moment when your breathing becomes even and sleep starts to take a claim on you but then you can still hear even the minutest of sounds---including the beating of your own heart. It was at this instant when I first thought that I love him, finally admitted that I love him, eventually believed that this emotion will last forever.

He believed in perfect timing. He sticks by this principle, knowing that whatever amount of effort one puts in, if not in accordance with the pulse of the universe, will just all fall into waste. So, in his young heart, he kept the picture of a distant future---a picture with subjects of him and I. Despite his belief that the timing of the blossoming of his love was wrong, he didn’t put a chain on his emotions though. He loved me with a love that can be mustered by his 16-year old heart, but he vowed to wait. Now there is a certain dignity in deciding to wait when you are sixteen. It makes your love all the more innocent and pure, in between being sweet and bitter. And lately, it made me think that it ended just like that, bittersweet.

He’s got a thing for pens and blank pages of white paper. He prefers writing letters, the real kind, in long hand. His writing has a certain kind of sharpness in it, a certain kind of crisp. And I think this is where we clash. His writings are like objects in daylight---sharp, detailed  and at times, painful. While mine are objects in the dark, lit only by the moonlight and the street side lamppost ---dewy, subtle and at times, poignant.  I should’ve sensed it the moment I anxiously opened that first letter in his neat longhand. I should’ve  known exactly at that moment that the words weren’t speaking about the future. Instead, those words are speaking of a distant past at present---words in paper made brittle by time, merely words in yellowed pages.

He loves the night. He especially loved stargazing. That’s one in the numerous entries in his soft side list,  despite how tough he projects to be. He once told me that he developed a liking for this activity when he first caught a glimpse of a willowy, wide-eyed girl who was waiting for her turn to peep at a telescope during one of his grade school camps. I jokingly said that that nobody remembers a girl from their grade school camps. He mussed up my hair then, telling me how silly my thoughts are. Of course he remembers, he said. He remembers because It was me. And I became exactly just that, a memory.

He despises tears, especially ones which are coming from a woman. But in reality, it’s his way of hiding a particular weakness---that he couldn’t stand tears because it would render him vulnerable. And he couldn’t handle that. I wondered, really wondered at one point if he would’ve waited just like what he claimed when he was sixteen if I openly cried in front of him, if I made such a big fuss and drama of the fact that he never fully understood my silence. He never saw the sharpness and the rawness of my emotions that were softened by the dewy glow of that single lamp post that was him in my heart.

There was a time when he lingered between wakefulness and sleep---a particular time when the world is done asking favors from me, from both of us. Sometimes, it was the memory that lingers. At other times, words. Often, it was the possibilities---the “what-could-have-beens”.

But he doesn’t anymore---doesn’t linger, doesn’t haunt.

Time waited patiently for me to heal, which he wasn’t able to do. He is now but a distinct character in my writings, the pen and paper gave me a gift of release from him through poetry and prose. The night became my solace too, not from painful wounds which have long healed, but solace with the possibility of new beginnings. I don’t despise tears like he does because those very same tears which I shed only proved how strong this heart is---how capable it is to feel such great emotions  like love, and loss.

Lingering, he doesn’t do that anymore. I’m glad.

Let Me Lay Down The Cards

Disclaimer: This post is yet again revolving on some mushy egotistical stuff that will revolve on what else (?) but LOVE. But since nobody has an editorial rights and claim on this blog but I (Ahahaha!), this will be forcefully posted here----super mushy to take or not, good reading material or not. Here’s a piece of advice: If you can’t take heavy confessions and dramatics, better skip this post now or better yet, close this blog.

Let’s face it (Actually, this is more directed to myself more than anybody else.). I am a difficult person to love.

No. Let me rephrase that. I am a person who is extremely difficult to love. And I think, that is the reason why despite the fact that I am already nearing the point when I would be having a length of existence of a quarter of a century (Do I have to be melodramatic about my age? Just, really?), I never had an actual experience of being into a romantic relationship (See blogpost: Relationship status—Single. Now, So What?) . Sure, it had something to do with the fact that it didn’t really cross my mind to have one (It did. But I was all too content with my teenage years without it.) when I was just a gangly high schooler or even when I was in the university. Plus, it has something to do with the fact that I still have some serious questions about commitments and relationships, even up to now. But I believe that more than anything else, the main reason why I’m still not into a relationship is that, it would be too difficult to love me. And most man that I know can probably sense this and that scares the hell out of them, most of the time.

I am a person who is difficult to love. The very first reason is that I am too inexperienced when it comes to the matters of the heart and that is awkward at my age now. I and my friends sometimes even joke that if there was just one subject that we failed, it was wholesome flirting 101. Somebody once told me that on normal circumstances, I am like a proud swan but I instantly transform into an awkward bear when faced with romantic situations. And, an awkward 24 year old on a romantic situation isn’t really a sight to behold! I definitely don’t stutter, I don’t shy or run away, nor can’t I look directly in the eyes. On the other hand, I am actually cool when these opportunities come---to the point that I appear to be aloof. What makes me awkward is that I can’t give in to mushiness, nor is it natural for me to ask sweet-nothing questions which require sweet-nothing answers (Which, according to sources, make the courtship stage exciting. I will not be naming the sources here, just in case. Ahahaha!). When worse come to worst, I can’t even understand the whole concept of courtship! I know that I sound snotty and cynical but what my painfully obtuse mind couldn’t fathom is the whole process of putting your best foot forward just to be loved or accepted. That is too stressful on my part (This statement is based on experience. Yay, points for me! Ahahaha!). A friend told me that all relationships must pass through this stage, and I just have to deal with it if I really want it. I guess that’s true. But would it be too much if I say that I want to enter into a relationship in which we would be seeing each other on normal grounds, with no preliminary pretenses, or putting each other on a pedestal?

Secondly, I’m still probably not mature enough to completely lower my guard---and this is an issue that nobody can address or resolve but me.

Third, I am an undiagnosed/self-confessed ADHD. Okay, fine. I’m just exaggerating to make a point. But seriously, my attention span on a controlled environment or situation is too short. Too much togetherness will put me in one of my grumpy episodes. I need my sense of freedom as much as I need the sense to love and be loved in return. When I was younger, I had this fear that getting into something that requires my commitment would stifle my independence and growth. But God has blessed me with just the right kind of family, just the right kind of friends, and just the right kind of creative group in order for me to realize that I can be fully committed into various kinds of relationships and still be free. So, this particular issue developed from an irrational fear into an understanding that my personality requires me that much needed space and moments of solitude in order to sort the overlapping wires of my thoughts and emotions.

Next, though I am a half-baked and self-proclaimed writer, but I’m a writer all the same. Ever heard of all those creepy stuffs that famous writers do to combat writer’s block---like, writing while naked, or drunk, or while inside a coffin, or just right after a sexual intercourse? Well that’s not true for me. Ahahaha! Not to that extent anyway. They say writing is a socially acceptable form of mental illness--- but I’ll still have to seriously consider this, okay? Being a writer combined with being a natural introvert makes me overly sensitive to any frequencies of emotions, thoughts, and actuations. I am too overly observant and it’s a good thing that I have learned to manage and tame this. If I haven’t learned to tame this, imagine a situation in which a person would confess his profound love to me and I would get hints of doubts on his unfaltering speech, or immense emotions on his silences, or lies in his unfailing stares. It’s like a gift and a curse at the same time. And this is definitely one of those things that drive men away. So either this man will keep up with me or run away for his life.

And lastly, I am difficult to love because I am a teacher. And now you get a clearer picture. I belong to a profession in which the chances of getting married is slim. My nanay even adviced me to be in a relationship months before I was about to graduate (Mothers, tsk tsk! Ahahaha!) . Much as I have all those interesting (mis)adventures and funny anecdotes but on normal days, I am inside a classroom filled with rowdy and gangly teenagers and on normal nights, I’m stuck on checking papers and making visual aids for the next day. Not that I’m complaining (Oh, spare me the dramatics!) because I couldn’t imagine a life not to be able to teach (No matter when there are days when I ask myself why am I in this profession.), but with all of my life’s drama and renegades and adventures, I basically live on monotonous routine on most days.

I am a person who is difficult to love. And although I believe in the grace of choice that was bestowed on us, but the incurable romantic in me believes that there is a man who would find my awkwardness not a laughing matter but as a struggle to be able to love wholly, a man who wouldn’t handle all my issues for me but who would just wait for me as I do it myself, a man who wouldn’t let me go no matter what but would give me my much needed personal and creative space, a man who would understand that when I appear catatonic and staring blankly at nothing in particular---that’s actually the time when my mind is in full gear, a man who wouldn’t really mind living with a schoolma’am for the rest of his life. That’s not really too much, is it?

I am a person who is difficult to love. And maybe, because of this reason, God is still bidding his time to hone a man who will see this truth but would pursue anyway---and it would take a SPECIAL MAN to do just that. #

This seat is already reserved.

Maybe I’ve been watching too much Korean movies and dramas. 

But see that empty seat? In God’s perfect time, somebody’s going to sit exactly on that space and we’ll be taking a lot of bus rides and boat rides and plane rides together, really a lot. 

For the meantime, I’ll be enjoying my trips and (mis)adventures alone. ;)

Fear of Tunnels No More….

Empty hallways, silent corridors, and dark tunnels always give me the creeps. Blame my overactive imagination, but I swear that it is a surreal experience to walk in those places and hear just the reverberation of your own footsteps. Plus, I couldn’t get it. Why do tunnels have to be cold, like the moment you step on it, the air temperature seems to instantly drop by several degrees? Isn’t it enough that they have to be so dark? Sure, I understand the science behind it but you couldn’t use that reason to my imagination. It wouldn’t just simply accept that.

But today is especially different. I was struck with the newly-felt love for dark tunnels. I was struck with the fact that the moment you stepped in on the tunnel’s shadows with the light behind you, I may have not seen your face but I recognized your form. Your movements may be fuzzy due to my defective vision but I confidently recognized the faint rhythm of your footsteps which was learned from almost a year of careful but discreet study. And in that brief second of the brushing of the air that our movements have caused when we walked past each other, you may have barely took a glance of me but it was like asking me again that one brief question if how I was from almost a year ago.

In that brief instance, I forgot my fears of dark tunnels and the echo of my footsteps which was melding with yours didn’t sound at all creepy to me. And surprisingly, the air wasn’t several degrees cooler----it offered a warm, and fuzzy stirring---the kind of warm and fuzzy that caused me to hum happily in broad daylight while doing one of the most mundane tasks of buying snacks..

Today, I momentarily learned to love the usually eerie tunnel because you were in it, because in a very brief instance, I shared it solely with you. :)

Feb 14, 2012 (1st) Letter

Hey buddy!

I am starting a tradition today.

I have a series of letters yet to be given to you but I never wrote one exactly on Valentine's day. So, I'm writing this one in a big hope that one day, I'm going to be able to hand it to you to compensate for all the random occasions and festivities just like today, even  including the ordinary days when we weren't aware yet of our presence in each other's lives.

No matter how I settle my mind to the fact that this day isn't exactly such a big deal and for all the years of experience of doing nothing out of the ordinary on this particular day, once I see all the hustle and bustle around the moment I step outside including all the fuss about flowers and chocolates, that's the time that would make me realize that no amount of time or mental orientation could prepare me for that little pang of green-eyed wariness.

Okay, I admit it. I woke up today orienting myself that I'll be bringing my own sunshine anywhere I go despite the fact that I'm yet about to go through this day out of the context of a romantic relationship. But the incurable romantic in me had half-expectantly wished that I'll get a surprise of flowers or a note on my table right after every class that I went through today.

So, nothing exactly happened according to what I was day-dreaming or more appropriately, hallucinating about. So the day passed just like any typical day---I went to school wearing red, had my classes and made an extra effort to introduce more activities, let the kids make their valentine notes on heart-shaped papers, had stretching on the nearby train station right after class, and feasted on steak and salad with a good dose of stomach-wrenching laughter with new found friends. That would give you an idea of how boring a person I am, but since I know that you love me to the point of seeing beyond what I project, I believe that you will tell me squarely in the eyes, "I know better."

So, spud (Any other terms of endearment wouldn't suit me, trust me with that! :D), how exactly are you spending your valentine today?

I wouldn't mind if you are spending it romantically with somebody whom you deem as special in your life. It would also be okay if at this point of your life, you may still have some doubts about love and would even cringe at the idea of being bounded by it. Those possibilities, I can definitely accept, because I know for a fact that the moment our lives will intertwine, all our past beliefs and fears including all our doubts will be overshadowed by the certainty of our love.

But you know what I exactly know in my heart at the moment? I believe that despite the fact that you are still unaware of my existence, you woke up today praying that hopefully, I am existing somewhere.

I want you to know at this exact moment that you are reading this that your prayer was not put in vain. And the moment that I am writing this, I am thanking God in advance for giving exactly just the perfect man to love me unconditionally and whom I'll love back faithfully.

Yes, I have been waiting for you but my wait isn't a passive one. It's more like a preparation for me to become more of a woman that I ought to be. So everyday, I fight the battles that need to be fought, chase dreams that may seem to be elusive at first, share my sunshine to hundreds of young people, love my family and friends as much as I can, and renew my faith in love and everything that it encompasses. I'm sorry to tell you and I know that you would recognize this the moment that you see me, that although I may look frail and naive, I am definitely not a princess-in-waiting or a damsel-in-distress.

In my past letters, I have put some specific traits of what I believe that you possess. But looking back, I realize that they were more of a specification of what you ought to be. So, I'm leaving all the specifications up to God for He knows just exactly the right person who would complement me as an individual. All I know is that you are a kind but driven person and you have this deep relationship with God and with your family. All the rest, is up to Him. So at this point, please know that I am loving you, with your flaws and all.

I am definitely far from perfect and you would know that the moment you would get to know me. However, my flaws and awkwardness would even endear me to you instead. I am absentminded and scatterbrained most of the time but you would see somebody who thinks outside the box and who goes the opposite way when everyone else is following the crowd. I might seemingly appear as passive and not exactly having a domineering personality but you see it as a great manifestation of strength for you believe that it takes courage to be calm and peaceful when it's easy to burst out and rattle everyone with your raging emotions. I may appear distant and uncaring, but you know that everything is just a front and you have that unnerving sense of patience to break away the fortress one piece at a time 'till you see my heart which brims with warmth and hope. I am a clumsy bear when it comes to romantic situations that you perfectly know that I wouldn't even try to flirt with you if I had the chance, but my awkwardness is totally seducing you, that you would even at times wonder why your heart hasn't bled out all over your chest yet (Hah! :) You have to top that statement!).

You see that girl who walks a little bit faster than the normal pace of walking and at times, totally oblivious of the people around her? That would most probably be me. And the moment you recognize that it's me, please have the patience to make me realize that knowing you is worth my time (for I am poor in recognizing these kinds of stuffs).

Do you notice in movies that when the girl meets the eyes of the boy, there's this instant spark and they know instantly that they're meant for each other? That would most probably never happen to me, so please take the patience to linger for awhile and make me recognize that you are the person from my prayers.

And I spud, I assure you, is just exactly the girl from your prayers. :)