Disclaimer: This post is yet again revolving on some mushy egotistical stuff that will revolve on what else (?) but LOVE. But since nobody has an editorial rights and claim on this blog but I (Ahahaha!), this will be forcefully posted here----super mushy to take or not, good reading material or not. Here’s a piece of advice: If you can’t take heavy confessions and dramatics, better skip this post now or better yet, close this blog.
Let’s face it (Actually, this is more directed to myself more than anybody else.). I am a difficult person to love.
No. Let me rephrase that. I am a person who is extremely difficult to love. And I think, that is the reason why despite the fact that I am already nearing the point when I would be having a length of existence of a quarter of a century (
Do I have to be melodramatic about my age? Just, really?), I never had an actual experience of being into a romantic relationship (
See blogpost: Relationship status—Single. Now, So What?) . Sure, it had something to do with the fact that it didn’t really cross my mind to have one
(It did. But I was all too content with my teenage years without it.) when I was just a gangly high schooler or even when I was in the university. Plus, it has something to do with the fact that I still have some serious questions about commitments and relationships, even up to now. But I believe that more than anything else, the main reason why I’m still not into a relationship is that, it would be too difficult to love me. And most man that I know can probably sense this and that scares the hell out of them, most of the time.
I am a person who is difficult to love. The very first reason is that I am too inexperienced when it comes to the matters of the heart and that is awkward at my age now. I and my friends sometimes even joke that if there was just one subject that we failed, it was wholesome flirting 101. Somebody once told me that on normal circumstances, I am like a proud swan but I instantly transform into an awkward bear when faced with romantic situations. And, an awkward 24 year old on a romantic situation isn’t really a sight to behold! I definitely don’t stutter, I don’t shy or run away, nor can’t I look directly in the eyes. On the other hand, I am actually cool when these opportunities come---to the point that I appear to be aloof. What makes me awkward is that I can’t give in to mushiness, nor is it natural for me to ask sweet-nothing questions which require sweet-nothing answers (Which, according to sources, make the courtship stage exciting. I will not be naming the sources here, just in case. Ahahaha!). When worse come to worst, I can’t even understand the whole concept of courtship! I know that I sound snotty and cynical but what my painfully obtuse mind couldn’t fathom is the whole process of putting your best foot forward just to be loved or accepted. That is too stressful on my part (This statement is based on experience. Yay, points for me! Ahahaha!). A friend told me that all relationships must pass through this stage, and I just have to deal with it if I really want it. I guess that’s true. But would it be too much if I say that I want to enter into a relationship in which we would be seeing each other on normal grounds, with no preliminary pretenses, or putting each other on a pedestal?
Secondly, I’m still probably not mature enough to completely lower my guard---and this is an issue that nobody can address or resolve but me.
Third, I am an undiagnosed/self-confessed ADHD. Okay, fine. I’m just exaggerating to make a point. But seriously, my attention span on a controlled environment or situation is too short. Too much togetherness will put me in one of my grumpy episodes. I need my sense of freedom as much as I need the sense to love and be loved in return. When I was younger, I had this fear that getting into something that requires my commitment would stifle my independence and growth. But God has blessed me with just the right kind of family, just the right kind of friends, and just the right kind of creative group in order for me to realize that I can be fully committed into various kinds of relationships and still be free. So, this particular issue developed from an irrational fear into an understanding that my personality requires me that much needed space and moments of solitude in order to sort the overlapping wires of my thoughts and emotions.
Next, though I am a half-baked and self-proclaimed writer, but I’m a writer all the same. Ever heard of all those creepy stuffs that famous writers do to combat writer’s block---like, writing while naked, or drunk, or while inside a coffin, or just right after a sexual intercourse? Well that’s not true for me. Ahahaha! Not to that extent anyway. They say writing is a socially acceptable form of mental illness--- but I’ll still have to seriously consider this, okay? Being a writer combined with being a natural introvert makes me overly sensitive to any frequencies of emotions, thoughts, and actuations. I am too overly observant and it’s a good thing that I have learned to manage and tame this. If I haven’t learned to tame this, imagine a situation in which a person would confess his profound love to me and I would get hints of doubts on his unfaltering speech, or immense emotions on his silences, or lies in his unfailing stares. It’s like a gift and a curse at the same time. And this is definitely one of those things that drive men away. So either this man will keep up with me or run away for his life.
And lastly, I am difficult to love because I am a teacher. And now you get a clearer picture. I belong to a profession in which the chances of getting married is slim. My nanay even adviced me to be in a relationship months before I was about to graduate (Mothers, tsk tsk! Ahahaha!) . Much as I have all those interesting (mis)adventures and funny anecdotes but on normal days, I am inside a classroom filled with rowdy and gangly teenagers and on normal nights, I’m stuck on checking papers and making visual aids for the next day. Not that I’m complaining (Oh, spare me the dramatics!) because I couldn’t imagine a life not to be able to teach (No matter when there are days when I ask myself why am I in this profession.), but with all of my life’s drama and renegades and adventures, I basically live on monotonous routine on most days.
I am a person who is difficult to love. And although I believe in the grace of choice that was bestowed on us, but the incurable romantic in me believes that there is a man who would find my awkwardness not a laughing matter but as a struggle to be able to love wholly, a man who wouldn’t handle all my issues for me but who would just wait for me as I do it myself, a man who wouldn’t let me go no matter what but would give me my much needed personal and creative space, a man who would understand that when I appear catatonic and staring blankly at nothing in particular---that’s actually the time when my mind is in full gear, a man who wouldn’t really mind living with a schoolma’am for the rest of his life. That’s not really too much, is it?
I am a person who is difficult to love. And maybe, because of this reason, God is still bidding his time to hone a man who will see this truth but would pursue anyway---and it would take a SPECIAL MAN to do just that. #
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