This is what you Get From Moving Around, A Lot----A Load of Stories and Photographs, And Little Heartaches Once in a While

During my last night in Lampang, while I was a roller coaster of emotions----packing my bags, having a last minute check of my passport and ticket, overthinking if I should really go home or just cancel my flight, sending last minute messages to people, crying and laughing my heart out like crazy----Ahne was actually busy writing this letter and making collages out of our beautiful adventures and memories for three years. When I got to read this while I was busy folding and refolding clothes, I bawled like a child, about to be sent away from home. And that’s ironic because I was actually going home. Ahahahaha.

At that moment, I blurted to Ahne that I will definitely find where to grow my roots soon because I realized that my heart is not as elastic as before. I realized that it’s not actually true that people eventually will get used to leaving and being left, that as you grow older, it actually becomes even harder.

It’s a wonder that Ahne and I became such good friends when we’re so completely different. We’re like two people on different poles. But I guess that’s the beauty of having a free spirit and an open heart----you get to embrace and to love people who, on normal circumstances, would have been strangers on the streets that you just passed by and overlooked. I would always be amazed by the amazing gift of people and of friendship for I get to share, even for just a fraction of time, the beautiful souls and minds of people like Ahne.

Dear Aura Carmela P. Ferrariz,

Asking you if I am the reason why you are leaving Thailand only proves one thing, how crazy, paranoid and preposterous person I am (and yes I hold on to that 10% chance that you will say "Yes", and gladly you said "No". Ahahahaha!). But whatever your f$@?!'n reason is, I hate it, I totally despise it. If I could just know a way of how to keep all my friends to stay so that they will always be with me, I will really do it. Lucky you! I don't know and I will never know. More than anything, your happiness matters, your dreams are important and the need to grow and learn is a part of you.

But whatever the reasons God has in mind for crossing our paths, this is one thing I will always thank him for. Thanking him for a person who I can...

..share my weirdest thoughts, rollercoaster of emotions and wildest dreams.

..goof around, laugh till we die, and not afraid to try new things.

..get lost in a big city, enormous country or even in the craziest world.

..eat, eat and eat until the wee hours of night.

..hop on the bus, ride tuktuk, board the plane or even jump in the deepest sea without even knowing how to swim.

..cry and get "kilig"over koreanovelas.

..admire how good-looking we are in the pictures, repeatedly.

..share stories, heartaches, experiences and learn from it.

..realize that drinking soju and speaking Thai has the same effect.

..think in the same wavelength, kingdom, phylum, class, family.. What's next?

..climb a tree, roll in the grass, take jump shots, underwater shots, and plan a theme oriented pictorial.

Three years of a long crazy adventure. Honestly, I look forward to my next journey because I learned that somewhere along the way, I will stop and meet someone with whom I can share a simple story, laugh awkwardly, enjoy the time, get to know more, accept the flaws and love the person, and attach a friendship string to them because that's exactly what happened to us. Three years is so worth it to gain a longtime friend like you. Thank you for the opportunity.

We may part ways now, we may not see and talk as often as we do now, but I know that our friendship is not and will never be bounded by distance nor time. That soon, we will be sharing a cup of coffee in Paris, diving in Maldives, or locking our hearts in the Namsan Tower.

Till next time Aura! God be with you always! Your next journey will be as awesome as our trip in Korea. You are a beautiful blessing that God has perfectly made.

Post-Valentine-Super-Not-To-Do-It-Ever-Again Photos

This post, most especially the pictures (THE pictures! Ahahahaha), I am certain, wouldn’t pass facebook’s photo regulations that I can only publish it here in my blog. Mark Zuckerberg and his team, I imagine, can only jump with glee for being spared, yet again, from looking at and embedding these pictures permanently into the fb system.

Ahne and I swore that every time we would get the chance to travel to a foreign country in the future, we would make it a point to wear its national costume. So last February 15, we mustered up enough courage to finally go to a lanna studio (lanna is a northern Thai word referring to the language, culture, and traditions endemic to the region) in Chiang Mai and had our photos taken, wearing Thailand’s national costume.

Here’s an embarrassing anecdote. While we were scanning the photo album provided by the studio so that we can get to choose the color and the style that we wanted to be dolled up with, Ahne squeaked excitedly at me, saying, “Au, ‘eto oh! Bagay sa ‘yo to!” When I saw the skirt (without looking carefully at the upper piece), I didn’t have any second thoughts and pointed to the lady-in-charge that I wanted that specific costume. So, the lady ushered me into a room and took a long train of Thai silk, wrapped me with it, pinned at some specific points, turned the cloth around me again, and pinned some more.

When she said, set lew (Done!), I almost had a mini-panic attack when I realized that the style which I chose will be exposing my belly--- making me look like a newly hatched sirena! Ahahahaha! After several minutes of bargaining (because the lady apparently wanted the costume on me), she finally agreed to change the whole stuff and we both agreed to a modest, brilliant blue lanna instead---and thankfully, I was able to breathe normally again.

On normal days, I am the typical flat shoes and ponytail girl that just the thought that we went to a studio to have ourselves dolled up is enough reason for me to cringe and curl myself up because of embarrassment. I am so painfully awkward in make-up and gowns and costumes that it is evident in my creepy smiles in these photos. These photos were the source of our entertainment for several nights even! Ahahaha!

 These photos will surely find a way to haunt me in the future, I am certain. But, since sayang ang 500 baht, and since I am the only one who has the editorial rights to this blog (wink), here are the post-valentine-super-not-to-do-it-ever-again photos:

Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach for gruesome images, do not scroll down any further. Ahahaha!

The Distant Places That Are Calling Me

Tonight, I asked my roommate Ahne, if which country would she really want to go to but thinks that it would be impossible to do so.

She answered, Paris. Extremely expensive airfare.

I answered, Ireland. I do not know of anybody who goes for a vacation in Ireland. (Do you? Please let me know.)

Ahne and I were the same persons who would have gone ballistic had anybody told us about a year and a half ago that we would one day, get lost in the streets of South Korea. And we later learned the lesson that no “almost impossible” pinings and wishlist items are really that impossible when we were already on the soils of Seoul, ready to get lost and be lost.

The bottomline: always prepare to be surprised.

I grew up in a family whose both parents are working to make both ends meet. Although our lifestyle was modest, but we were still lucky to have some of our little wishes be granted from time to time. But the granting of these wishes didn’t come easily. In exchange, we had to do our part in the household chores, be extra well-mannered kids, and get good grades in school. Our parents made us understood from an early age that we have to work hard to receive what we want because the money that they will be using to buy it was also from hard work.

Living by that lesson that our parents taught us also paid off. I was able to travel to some parts of the country (for free) while still studying, from joining competitions during elementary and high school. In the university, being a student writer allowed me the perk of travelling for free to different places. My parents understood and supported these little trips that I had to make, and it was also one way of gaining their trust by showing them that I can take care of and handle myself given any situations, amidst different people, and even away from home.

So now that I am working, I make sure that I set some amount of money for travelling or for a short vacation, even just once a year. I would like to think that I’m a wise traveler, I don’t spend overboard (a cheap but clean, well-researched hotel is waaaay okay for me) and I do everything “old school”---I save for it. I don’t even have a single credit card.

So, here are my “almost impossible” dream destination list. Also included are the things that I will do if by God’s grace, I’d be given the chance to set foot on them one day. As a recall, I hugged the Gyongbukgong gates (take note: gates, not gate) in South Korea.

I’ll just let luck, hardwork (savings for airfare and accommodations, uuuugh!), and my gypsy feet surprise me.

Toss a coin while wearing a gypsy outfit on the cliffs of IRELAND.

Have a photo of the Sphinx, kissing me on the cheeks, in EGYPT.

Camp in the SAHARA. Sleep and wake up to all of that immense space----I’m still undecided whether that immensity will scare me or leave me awed.

Picnic under the cherry blossoms in JAPAN.

Wave and shout, “Hey Moon, can you see me from out there?”, in the Great Wall of CHINA.

Fall in love Sing my all time favorite, “Does the Moonlight Shine in Paris”, by Paolo Santos under the Eiffel Tower in PARIS.

Touch the peak of Mount Everest from a distance in NEPAL.

Toast myself in the waters of Santorini in GREECE.

Sip hot chocolate in the middle of nowhere in ALASKA, while witnessing the Aurora spectacle.

Wearing My Scarfs Like the French Do!

There’s nothing like a Frenchwoman when it comes to wearing scarfs---there’s always this breath of au naturale when it comes to how they twist and turn their scarfs around their necks.

I couldn’t exactly trace if when or how did I start to like scarfs soooo much that if somebody would impose that I should be wearing one every day, I wouldn’t complain a bit.

How can one not love scarfs? They are perfect instant light blankets for long trips, sun protector for people like me who believe that umbrellas were just invented for the rainy days, and they can instantly spice up a boring outfit on days when you are too lazy to play doll up. Sometimes, I think that being bundled up in a soft scarf can be a good substitute to an actual hug---though I’m still partial on this, okay?

Honestly, I only have four scarfs and all of them are so overly used that I wouldn’t be surprised to hear them call out for surrender. This reminds me to invest a little bit more in them. So, my future daughter might be astounded that aside from good genes (Do I hear any complaints? Ahahahaha!), all that she might possibly inherit from me are my good old books and my collection of scarfs.

Here’s one certified scarf addict!

Vigilance (which spells p-a-r-a-n-o-i-a) Ruins Romance

One of my favorite independent short film/video makers, Wong Fu Productions, once made a series of short flicks entitled “Technology Ruins Romance”. The story lines of the flicks are actually funny with a tinge of sarcasm, but very true all the same---tackling several possibilities (and realities) of how technology, yes, ruins romance.

I have my own version of that, in real life though. I’ll not label this personal anecdote as “Technology Ruins Romance”. Probably, it could be any of the following----“Realism Overdose Ruins Romance”, “Vigilance Ruins Romance”, or most probably, “Being-a-close to-jaded-twenty-something-single-in-the-present-times Ruins Romance”. Here’s why:

Last October 15 of last year, while I was catching my flight from Manila to Bangkok, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the airport which could actually be a perfect setting for any movies and novels about mushy love stories, serendipity, and random-strangers-ending-up-together, it dawned on me that those movie and novel plots are close to impossible in the present times and with the current way of thinking of people. Well, people like me to be exact. 

After the SOP scanning of hand-carry baggages and other personal stuffs, I hurriedly sat on a nearby bench while carrying my sandals on my left hand and my overnighter bag on the other. While I was busy strapping my sandals on, I saw from my peripheral vision that a person sat next to me. And from my position, I could see that he was also putting his shoes on. When I was almost done putting the buckle of the sandal on my right foot, I heard the man saying in a low voice, “Uhm, excuse me Miss.” 

Now, before I continue, let me tell you that I have this weird fixation on certain kinds of voices---that when I heard the voice of that stranger (Oh di ‘ba parang romance novel lang? *cringe* Ahahaha!), I momentarily stopped what I was doing (While mutely saying, “wow”.) to look at him and made sure that it was actually me that he was talking to. When I threw him a polite but at the same time an i-don’t-know-you-are-you-talking-to-me? glance, I realized that it was actually me that he was talking to since nobody was at close proximity from where we were at that particular moment, unless that stranger of a man was of the delusional kind (Ahahaha!). Since I can be a keen observer if I really will myself to, I estimated that he was about in his late 20’s or early 30’s, the clean-cut type (The ones who are brought home by female lead characters in movies, and then they turn out to be psycho-murderers. See how morbid I can be?). He had his glasses on and he was wearing a polo and well-fitted pair of jeans. And, from my previous  position when I was buckling my sandals, I noticed that his shoes were actually polished. In short, the man was okay. Alright, he was above okay. So, I politely replied, “Yes?”

What he said next exceeded my concept of “weird comment from a stranger”. Much more a stranger who was a man. He then said, “Nice sandals.”

Nice sandals? Of all the random things to hear from a stranger/man!

Now, if that was a movie, that would have been a cute start of the pa-tweetums scenes. If it was a scene from a movie, the female character (that was me) would have made a witty reply then walked away only to find out that they have to sit next to each other on the plane and that would have been the start of their romantic and clichéd love story.

Moreover, if it was a chapter in a novel, the guy would have asked the girl for coffee while waiting for their own flights. Then, they would separate ways and by some twist of fate or you may call it serendipity, they would meet again. The man would then pursue the girl however, there will be some complications like distance, or a past relationship with no formal closure, on either party that would add drama to their courtship and budding romance. But in the end, they would realize that they love each other too much to let those problems stop them from being together.

However, that was in real life---a life in which I was raised as not to talk to strangers, even how unsuspecting they might be. It happened at a time, when everywhere you go, you have to religiously follow one reminder: Be vigilant.

That’s a little bit sad, albeit harsh. But that’s reality.

So the moment he asked me, a train of thoughts raced through my mind: “What if this man is actually a psycho who targets his victims in airports?”, “What if he would quietly slip a packet of drugs on my bag while I was talking to him?”, “What if he is gay who actually designs shoes? For what straight man would actually notice a lady’s sandals on a random, first encounter?” 

So since this is real life, I smiled and simply replied, “Thank you.” and then walked away. End of story.

Now, I know that airport romances have slim chances of having to actually happen (at least for me)---and to think that I was pining for just that kind of story. Oh snap! #

Warning: Being a poser can put your life at risk! *wink*

Who would ever believe that I was once a camera-shy girl who would strategically escape once I sense that a photo taking session is about to happen? Or, once cornered, would pose and smile awkwardly as if I’m having my NBI or passport photo taken.

I don’t know what got into me, probably I became too narcissistic which I hope I’m not because if that’s the case, I would have to press my emergency sanity button because this state of mind is totally unhealthy. No, I’ll have to reiterate that. It’s totally unhealthy. The case is, I just acquired a love for photos because  I’ve come to realize that a particular moment may not happen again but the good thing about it is that it can be captured.

So for the past few years, it has always been  a treat for me to take photos and of course, to have my picture taken. So, my signature poses recently are actually  the result of years (ahahaha!) of practice and perfecting in front of the mirror or on a digital camera. I know you do or did the same, so stop that smirk! Ahahahah! 

But just about two years ago, an experience taught me that being a poser could actually endanger one’s life. Here’s why:

You know what happened after this picture was taken? When I was about to walk away from the place where I was standing, a big wave came crashing over so fast that I didn’t have time to prepare. And when I say big wave, imagine an open sea on a windy day and the waves that these winds can create. In just a matter of seconds, I felt the pressure of that wave hit me. And a small-framed person that I am has definitely  no defense against it! I lost my footing on the slippery rocks, bumped my right knee on it, and felt the force of the receding waves pulling me away from my spot, and I couldn’t even swim! Had it not been for Sir Noel’s quick response, probably, my poor small body had been carried away  into the great  expanse of South China Sea, became so bloated after many days of floating around to the point of being unrecognizable! Or, I would have been the merienda of our cute little shark and piranha friends. Oh such morbid possibilities!

So good thing I just ended up with a terribly bruised knee and a swollen, dislocated foot. And you know what? I had to endure the partly amusing, partly embarrassing moments when students or parents in our school asked me if why I had bandages on my knee and foot. My reply that time was “I slipped” as opposed to the complete version which was “I slipped while having my picture taken.” Such disgrace! Ahahaha!

The scar on my right knee at the moment is a lifetime reminder to choose the places where I pose, just in case I decide to have my picture taken in risky places again. Who wants to end up dying and then when people would ask, “Why did she die?” and then the reply would be, “Oh, that’s because she was a poser.”? Oh snap!

Fear of Tunnels No More….

Empty hallways, silent corridors, and dark tunnels always give me the creeps. Blame my overactive imagination, but I swear that it is a surreal experience to walk in those places and hear just the reverberation of your own footsteps. Plus, I couldn’t get it. Why do tunnels have to be cold, like the moment you step on it, the air temperature seems to instantly drop by several degrees? Isn’t it enough that they have to be so dark? Sure, I understand the science behind it but you couldn’t use that reason to my imagination. It wouldn’t just simply accept that.

But today is especially different. I was struck with the newly-felt love for dark tunnels. I was struck with the fact that the moment you stepped in on the tunnel’s shadows with the light behind you, I may have not seen your face but I recognized your form. Your movements may be fuzzy due to my defective vision but I confidently recognized the faint rhythm of your footsteps which was learned from almost a year of careful but discreet study. And in that brief second of the brushing of the air that our movements have caused when we walked past each other, you may have barely took a glance of me but it was like asking me again that one brief question if how I was from almost a year ago.

In that brief instance, I forgot my fears of dark tunnels and the echo of my footsteps which was melding with yours didn’t sound at all creepy to me. And surprisingly, the air wasn’t several degrees cooler----it offered a warm, and fuzzy stirring---the kind of warm and fuzzy that caused me to hum happily in broad daylight while doing one of the most mundane tasks of buying snacks..

Today, I momentarily learned to love the usually eerie tunnel because you were in it, because in a very brief instance, I shared it solely with you. :)

Oh my omurice!

I and the next door girl (Naks! Ahahaha!), Ahne, had been going gaga over the k-drama rooftop Prince for several weeks and we felt that our addictive episode wouldn’t be complete if we couldn’t try and sample the featured dish in the series which is the omurice. Before I get overly excited and go on rambling and babbling about how this dish had become one of the vital factors in the love affair of the lead characters, let me tell you about it in the most logical way that my kilig state can muster at the moment (*wink*).

Okay, aahhhh omuuurrricee (you really have to say it that way to get the feel of the rooftop prince mania!) is the dish that an ordinary modern-day girl fed to 4 (insert “cute” in here.) males who time-travelled from Korea’s Joseon era of about 300 years ago and who accidentally landed by fate on the rooftop of the said girl. Now, imagine waking up one morning to discover four unassuming boys who are oozing with cuteness inside your house. It might sound creepy but I’d disregard the emotion any time if one of the boys who lands in our house is Park yoochun!

I’ll go back to the omurice topic before my fan girl mode gets the best of this post. With the little help from the ever so reliable you tube, we were able to come up with our own version of omurice. And since we declared ourselves to be in-charge of the meal that day, M’ Ann didn’t have a choice but to subject herself to the possibility of a yet again, uneatable (No raising of eyebrows for the choice of word. I like to use it, bakit ba? Ahahaha!) meal.

So here’s our Omurice ala Aurita y Ahnita:

(Drum roll please!)

And since this post is especially dedicated to ahhh omurice, here are some proofs of my temporary madness over the rooftop prince:

Isn’t this simply just pure love? Ahahahaha! J

Poor me! How I wish it isn’t just the omurice that they’re after for!

So in the future if destiny wills it that the same fate will happen to me, those four boys wouldn’t surely starve when they accidentally land on our rooftop. Only that they will be landing on a tin rooftop, the real kind-----as in top of the roof. Ahahaha!

P.S.

If your statement above is your way of saying you love me, then Park  Yoochun, I love you too!

Half Full?

No. It's definitely half empty!!!!!!!

Forgive my pessimism, but for any balikbayan (ehem! ehem!), a luggage which is half-full is definitely half-empty!!! Hahaha. See how astute my ideas are? tsk...tsk....

With the never-ending  pasalubong checklist which turns me into a paranoid OC, even my bursting positiveness (naks!) couldn't lead me to believe that my luggage is half-full.

But for today, when I neatly arranged the contents for the nth time, I was struck with the fact that I'll be in my beloved Pinas in less than two weeks.

So I'll stop being pathetic for awhile by debating myself over and over whether my luggage is half-empty or half-full. I'll just enjoy this warm, fuzzy feeling that I'll soon be home.

OOOOOHHHLAAAALAAA!!! I'M GOING HOME! :)

My (Twisted) Concept of Letting Go....

I had it for more or less seven years. The moment I first saw it in my nanay's collection, I knew that I was meant to be its owner. It has my name written all over it----it was funky and unconvential---totally like my views, ideals, and life concepts.

There's just one oddity about it though that puzzles some people who constantly see me wearing it---I did not bother to have its battery replaced---so that means that the whole seven years that I was wearing it, it wasn't working. I would just sometimes joke about it and answer, "Oh, that's because I don't want to be a slave of time, that's why."

It was very much like this. However, mine has still tiny details on the wings that make it more appealing.

But deep inside, I had a whole different reason----- because just like the clock, I was stranded.... 


It had become my perfect accessory in every special occasions and ordinary events----if I feel lazy to dress up, I just wear it with my most boring shirt and jeans and it becomes a day-saver; I wear it with any dresses in special events and it adds a classy touch.

It had also become my amulet and lucky charm-----I wear it in moments when I feel I need to be a little bit tougher and edgier-----so I was wearing it during contests way back in college, during interviews, during graduation, and during my licensure exam.

So you see, it was present in almost all seasons and points in my life for almost seven years. Sure, it's just a piece of accessory. But we have to admit it that at one point in our lives, there is one thing that we couldn't just let go of our grasps easily, not because we couldn't live without them, but because it had become our history, it had become what defines us.  It didn't occur to me that one day, I have to eventually let it go....and I wasn't even given a premonition or a sign.

It was around 5:30 in the afternoon at the MRT terminal in Ayala, a perfect moment of rush hour. Bessy and I were standing, waiting for a train that we wish would have just a little bit of space for us to fit in, since 2 trains have already passed and we didn't get the chance to get inside.

When we saw a coming train Bessy told me, "Au, handa ka dun ha." And when the train's doors were opened, everything became a blur of people complaining, of bodies being squished, of feet being stepped on by several sets of feet, of afternoon odors mingling in the air----and I just found myself standing inside the moving train, holding firmly to a post as if hanging on for dear life. Then I took a deep breath and managed to smile at Bessy, saying, "Baw mayad lang nakasal-ot kita."

And then I felt a weird kind of lightness that I instantly grabbed my watch in my chest. Only, there was nothing to be grabbed. I tried again, and all I felt was the gold chain hanging on my neck from end to end, broken, without my ladybug watch on it.

It's a wonder up to know how I managed to be calm that time. I can even remember talking to myself calmly, "Nahulog na 'to kagina au. Okay lang. Nahulog na guid 'to." I didn't panic, I didn't even complain to Bessy about it for I felt that if I'm going to tell her that I lost it, I would definitely burst out. So, I just kept quiet, and until now, she doesn't have any idea about that incident, nor my mother who gave it.

And then I realized, that moment was very much like the moment when Inday Ana passed away, when Inday Nancy had to eventually rest-----the moment you realize that something and someone important is gone and you have to let go, that fact will not kick you right straight into the gut nor does it feel like hearing a thousand drums banging, signifying of finality. No. It feels more like a silent echo of a footstep from a bare foot, more like the gentle whisp of air on a summer day. It is more of being left with a hollow in your heart that would eventually feel whole again, but would never be again filled.

That moment when I realized that I lost my ladybug watch taught me one lesson which was actually presented before in several events in my life but which I just failed to recognize-----that at the moment when you realize that certain people and things have to leave and you have to let go, there is not much drama or wailing or asking all the "why's"-----it is actually a quiet and tender moment. All people who have lost something or someone so important at one point in their lives clearly know this. The questions and the wailing and the drama come later, when it's already a bit bearable to do just that.

The fact that I'm writing it here (So Bessy man-an mo dun. Nadura ya lady bug ko. Dumduman mo 'tong pag-walkathon ta sa Makati nga nagbakal dulang ako tsinelas? Pag-uli ta nabugto....huhu....Akigan guid ako ni nanay maman-an na, hahaha....) and I can complain about it means that I am over it and I accepted the fact that it's lost. I forgave the person who most probably pushed me or grasped me that time to be able to get in the train. Most importantly, I also forgive myself for allowing that to happen by not thinking about the possibilities.

And maybe, just maybe, it was one way of telling me that I'm no longer what I think I am, that I'm not anymore the same as the broken ladybug watch.....that I'm in fact, no longer stranded.

In20years.com

It's funny how technology can project how the future baby of a couple would possibly look like and how somebody would look like, say, twenty years from now.

Despite the fact that it is definitely not reliable, it is still fun though a little bit scary to imagine how would you look like in a distant future.

A lot of songs and poems and literary pieces including works of arts are celebrating and hailing youthfulness and seldom can we encounter those that deal with old age, with the twilight of one's life, with senility, and with the point of "getting there".

I don't know what it is about age (and ageing, so to speak) that makes us cringe inwardly and sending a shiver in our spine. Perhaps one of the reason is that it makes us face the mere fact of our mortality---that we cannot live forever despite the fact that we live as if we have all the time in the world.

So, when I encountered this application that could project your image 20 years from now, including the wrinkles, the extra bags of muscles around the jaw area, the creases in strategic points in the face, I am human  and I'll honestly say that I also experienced cringing at the thought. But I said to myself, "What the heck? What happened to your sense of fun?".

Just to make a point, I'm not scared of getting old. I don't want the idea of living forever. That would be too monotonous and exhausting, right? This makes me pity Edward and all his vampire friends. What I'm scared of are the extra baggages that come along with old age.

Enough about it. So, meet "me" twenty years later, now.

Again, I don't dread getting old. I'm even thinking that it's fun because every single day that adds to my age gives me the opportunity to come closer to the woman that I ought to be. Yes, there will be those crow's feet, and wrinkles, and creases, and the double chins, and the extra muscles around the face, and not to mention the white hairs-----but I would like to think that if I live each day with the right motivations and purpose and with the right kind of people that can help me grow, then, it would not be frightening after all.

And I'm making a pact to myself. I will not just grow old. I'll grow old, gracefully. =)

He wasn't spared after all. Now, I understand.

I never thought that it would come to a point wherein just the sight of an immaculately clean sheet of paper would lead me to silently scream with anticipation and glee.

True, homesickness could do that to a person.

More true, homesickness could do that to a person who has so much words just waiting for their right moment to be unleashed.

I don't even need my muse to sprinkle some magical inspiration dust on me. What's ironic still is that I can write (Imagine that? I can really write tirelessly at the moment!), I can definitely write without any blocks or inhibitions at the time when I gave up my reigns over my muse. I feel like a giddy 8-year old child on a May morning, quenching my thirst on a windy seaside with a slice of saccharine watermelon--- unmindful of the juice that trickles from my mouth to the space in between my shoulder blades, unmindful of the fact that in a few minutes time, the sweet juice that stains my pink summer dress would be as sticky and as gooey as a melting candy. That's what homesickness and the occasional bouts of depression can do to a person.

Now I understand why Rizal wrote some of his best works while away from his motherland. Lolo Pepe might have earned the title as our national hero and he might be brave enough to willingly die for his country, but you see, Lolo Pepe was just human like the rest of us, and a suffering writer at that. So even the great and illustrious Jose Rizal wasn't spared from the homesickness bug after all.

Now, I'm a little bit comforted.

Q&A Portion of a (never been) Beauty Queen

Okay, I admit it. I'm a sucker for beauty pageants. Some feminists group may react about this statement but let me make my point. Though I do not agree in all the aspects of beauty pageants, but I still see it as somehow, a celebration of a woman's beauty and wit.

And let's all admit it. We all go gaga over beauty pageants and most of the time, to the point of taking everything too personally as if these events could instantly solve the world's biggest problems at the moment. Like global warming, perhaps?

The recent outcome of the Miss Universe 2011 in which our representative landed in the 3rd runner-up spot elicited several reactions from our dear kababayans. Even after two weeks, though the heightened emotions have already somewhat dissipated, but the faint reverberations are still there.

So, before the Miss U fever is completely put to  a year of respite, I am having this little experiment. For the sake of experiencing the pressure of the beauty queens during the Q and A portion, let me test myself by answering some of the most over-rated beauty pageant questions. Just for the sake of fairness, I'll write the answer right away after the question is put to mind and I'll give myself 30 seconds to answer each question. 

Okay. Fair enough. Let's start.

• What's the real essence of a woman?

Answer: The extraordinary capacity to nourish a miniature human being inside the womb and deliver it to the world without having to end her influence at that moment of delivery, knowing that it continues in her entire lifetime and the child's lifetime as well, and even generations after that, and the thought that if she traces her roots, she will find another woman at the starting point of her history---that to me is the real essence of being a woman (woah!).

• What would you choose, beauty or brains?

Answer: Can I have both? (Answer not fit for a beauty pageant. I really am undecided over this matter, swear. Okay, next question)

• If you will turn into an animal in your next lifetime, what animal will you choose to be a---......

Answer: Uhm, excuse me. May I interrupt? Are you sure that's a valid question? Just so you know, I am already an animal. That's a basic scientific fact. Elementary science, remember? (Hala! Tinanong mo kasi ay isang Biology teacher eh...'yan tuloy....hahaha.)

• If an astronaut lands in your yard right now, what will you do or ask him?

Answer: I'll ask him to quarantine himself immediately in an isolated room in our house because he might be carrying with him some foreign microorganisms that might be a threat to world safety and security. That's all, thank you. (Sabi nang awat na sa mga questions na may scientific hints eh! Yan tuloy, sapul for the 2nd time!)

• How many islands does Phillipines have?

Answer: I couldn't think of a better answer than the most celebrated, "High tide or low tide?". Oh, wait. Let me change my answer. You mean before the Spratly Islands' controversy or at the moment? I'm sorry I couldn't give you an official number yet. Everything is still under negotiation. I'll let you know.

• If you want to change something about your physical aspect, what will it be and why?

Answer: I think I want to be a little bit taller, less angular...(several seconds interval)...I want my humungous eyebags to be removed...(several seconds interval)...my nose to be slimmer at the bridge...(several seconds interval)...my cheeks to be...Buzzer! Time's up! ( As in time's up na? Nagtanong ka, kaya napa-isip tuloy  ako. Alangan naman na sabihin ko na: "I am very much perfect, thank you very much. And I am happy with my physical perfection."? Kapag nagka-ganun, magmumukha akong katawa-tawa sa harap ng mga judges 'di ba? Kaya nga nagstart ang question sa "if" eh. In short, kung possible, kung may pagkakataon. Pambihira.)

...And for the finale questions, here are two of the most controversial questions posed to our Miss Universe Filipina representatives for last year and just recently. Oh my! I didn't think it would feel like this. Parang totohanan...haha. I'm very much pressured right now. (toink!:D)

• What is your greatest mistake and what did you do to change it?

Answer: My major, major greatest mistake in life is that I feel that there were moments in the past when I didn't do enough and I just gave less than my best. It was not because I felt inadequate or was inadequate but because I was scared that when I realize that I could do so much, that would separate me from the rest and being isolated was one of my greatest fears. But in the recent years, I realized that it's such a ridiculous idea. I've learned and is still trying the concept of humility----that I should not just embrace my weaknesses or my limit but I should also recognize and fully accept, without any qualms, the extent of my capacity. For when used with the right motive and intention, it is my capacity and not my weakness that can create positive changes.

• Would you give up your religion to marry the man you love?

Answer: (Ahem, eto na ang moment of truth.) At the moment, I can confidently say that I am in a position in which I could decide to just let go of the person that I love because I definitely cannot give up my religion, nor will I ask anybody, even the person that I love to give up his because that would be like saying to love me first before his God. However, we cannot fathom love's capacity to bridge differences, even faith. But when the time comes (Hindi na 'to pang-beauty queen na sagot, nafi-feel ko na. Speech na ito. Time's up na! But, I beg to continue...) when I feel a certain kind of love in which I know I could not just easily give it up, then I'd be very willing to keep it against all odds because I believe that love can transcend everything and let me refer to a line in the bible which says, "..and the greatest of all is love." If I feel that what we have is a kind of love that can transcend man's understanding and reason, including the judgment and the ridicule of the world, then, I will opt to pursue that love without having to ask each other to give up our faith, even if it means not accepting the blessing of each other's church. I know that it is against the law of the church and it would give me so much pain and heartache not to have the blessing of my church but on the other hand, it is also my strong belief that faith is an individual experience. So, if my time comes to personally come face to face with God and He asks me, "Why did you have to do it my child?", I know that He is an all-knowing and greatly gracious God that he would still embrace and welcome me to share His full glory despite having to break a rule of His church when I would answer Him, "My father, it's because I loved." (char!)

Hay, tantanan na sabi itong Q and A portion. Kung Miss Universe 'to o kahit simpleng Miss Baranggay lang, tiyak walang pasok kahit isa sa mga sagot ko. Kasi kadalasan, hindi ako one-liner answer kung mag-isip. At kasi, kapag na-ibuka ko na ang bibig ko at may na-insert ako na topic na feeling ko eh magandang i-explain further, talagang magsu-sway ako sa original answer ko (Kagaya nito, sinimulan ko sa English ang blog pero mukhang magtatapos yata sa Filipino.). Eh, hindi naman ito article na puwedeng i-edit at i-proof read, Q and A portion siya sa beauty pageant. At isa pang kasi, kasi mahilig akong sagutin ang mga tanong ng isa pang tanong. At last na talagang kasi, kasi 'pag umandar ang pagiging kritikal ko, baka masagot ko ang nagtatanong nang, "There are some questions that don't need to be answered. I think this is one of those." Pag nagkaganun, mas malaking isyu pa ang aabutin ko, mas malaki pa kesa sa pagkakaroon ng mga interpreters sa Miss U.

In short, hindi lang talaga ako pang-beauty queen material. 'Yun lang 'yun. That's all, thank you very much. =)

*Note: Ito ang kinalalabasan kapag sobrang antok at bored sa pag-proctor sa exam at alam mong hindi ka naman talaga kailangan dun kasi nga, nandun na ang mga "tamers of the raging lions". Kaya, inaliw ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pagsulat nito. 

Sisters' Act

It's a wonder. She's the better looking one but she's the one who is too camera shy to goof and make funny poses in front of the camera. While I, the all angles with no curves big sister, is the one who couldn't get enough of pictures.

This is one of those rare moments when I could coax her to relax in front of a camera. She  has this softly-rounded, well proportioned face that once made me hate my angular one. Talk about sister-envy....haha=)

She exudes this "suplada" aura around her and gets easily irritated when she could not make her point be understood but it's all her front to veil her fragile emotions. She's the type who would start a fight or a commotion and would end up crying in the middle of the battle that instead of pounding her instantly to defeat, you would get this strong urge to just cuddle her instead.

We grew up like cats and dogs, fighting over inconsequential things and then making up afterwards. Remember the time when we fought and we made a chaos all over the house---pulling at each other's hair, physically hurting each other and we were prepared to do it to death, pushing the tables and the chairs around the house and even climbing on it to get an advantage of height like we were on a duel? That is too funny to think now. But it wasn't fun when nanay had to make us kneel for two hours afterwards.

Yet, there are actually moments when sisters grow up, and grow tired of bickering and circling around each other's presence. There are moments when I still love to hate you and you admit that there are moments when you want to squish me when you have had enough of my crazy thoughts and ideas 'coz you are the serious and the more systematic thinker. You've become my walkathon buddy whenever I feel this strong urge to walk my stress and worries off and you would mutter and mumble a bit but would still go with me on my downtown walks or my jeepney rides, without actually a definite destination. 

Let's just admit it. You would have made a better "big sister" than I am because you are more grounded compared to me. But since we couldn't change destiny's plan and she let me out a full year ahead of you, let me play the big sister part here, okay?

 You may sometimes have doubts with your capacities and you often ask me how to go about some things when you are too unsure if what you've done is right, but let me tell you: you are greater than all your fears and doubts put together. You are a good planner  that you always put my incomprehensible plans to shame. You stick to the rules and you are good in comprehending and following it by heart 'til the final part when I have a lot of difficulty following step 1. You are not scared to delve in the matters of the heart and go for it when up to now, I'm only at the basic level---trying to live one day at a time with the realization that my one great unrequited love, will just be forever unrequited unless I do something about it or just completely drop it off. I chose the latter by the way, in case you ask. See? 

You're a whole lot better off. So why worry too much about a thing that you would one day just laugh about? You worry too much dear sister, to the point of getting sick.

God is with you on your board exam you crazy sisterrete! How dare you go to a fortune teller who told you that it will be a fifty-fifty chance? It's not about chance, nor luck, nor fate dear sister. It's about putting to test what you know and what you've learned. And you're not at the loosing end on that matter. 

So the next time you decide to put your fate on a fortune teller (May pinagmanahan ka talaga sa mga kabaliwan! Hay naku! No wonder...), better go to me. I'll tell you just what exactly you need that would black those (almost) perfectly shaped eyes of yours. 

Just prepare the fee though, no free service, even for sisters.