In Search for that Place of Calm

You need to find that calm.

You need to exhaust all your energy and passion and faith to find that calm where you can run into with everything that scares you as a grown up.

You deserve to have that sense of calm which makes you remember all your ideals and hope, dreams and wishes, your own goodness and beauty---essentials which you often forget just because life happens.

For whatever it's worth, you need to have that calm which makes you remember that the hustle and bustle around you are not reflections of who you are, that they don't have the capacity to disturb your soul without your permission.

You need to find that calm which makes you feel that deep down, your soul is truly at peace not because you are in control but because
Someone up there is magnificently greater than all your fears and imperfections put together.

It doesn't matter if it's a person, or a place, or a certain time. It may be a familiar scent, or a blanket you have since you were little, or a moment of silence. It doesn't really matter if it's in the gaze of your one great love or in the gaze of your own self in the mirror, staring back at you with all the strength and happiness that you can muster. I tell you, it doesn't really matter. Find your calm.

The Art of Mastering Grief

There is no such thing as “The Art of Mastering Grief”. Every time one experiences loss, the grief that it brings kicks you in such a way that you couldn’t be prepared even if you experience it again and again. Sure, it feels familiar to the point that you can even say, “I’ve been here before, I know how this works.” However, with all its familiarity, you can never prepare for grief’s blow, nor can you ever become desensitized. Every time we experience grief, we go back to the very first time we experienced such terrible loss in our individual lives and we get to experience it again---like a motion picture played backwards. Every time I experience grief, I go back again and again to my 20 year old self, to that humid March morning when a simple text message had made me experience my first loss, which had shaken me to my very core and made me realize that we can lose the people whom we love anytime and sometimes, when we least expect it. 

And, whoever introduced the theory of the stages of loss and grief was actually subtly suggesting that there should be a time limit for your grieving. No, you don’t jump from one stage to another as clearly and as clinically as they are explained in almost all psychology books. No. You become this ball of emotions that couldn’t be easily described as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You become this ball of emotions that you couldn’t even understand yourself no matter how you clearly understood your DABDA lessons way back in university. Because, the thing is, we could never ever understand grief, not even if how much we try or how many times we have dealt with it. Understanding grief is way beyond our capacity as human beings. We won’t even come close to doing so, we can only learn how to deal with it---with no time limit or conscious effort of hurrying it as suggested by the society, as suggested by our Psychology books.

Maybe, we learn lessons from our loss. Maybe, there is really no lesson in them. However, loss, in any form, becomes a reminder of our own mortality. It becomes a reminder that we won’t be in this place forever. It becomes a reminder that we are just here as passersby.

Better Than Beautiful

For there’s nothing more freeing, more liberating, than escaping society’s standards of “beautiful”.

My sentiments, exactly. ;)

“Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I have already heard the word rubbed raw across the flesh of so many girls before me. Thrown at them like rocks that beat the skin of those we do not understand. “You are beautiful,” we yell with such contempt. “God dammit, why won’t you just believe me, you’re beautiful!” It is not a compliment. It is a victory march of your own self sacrifice. “You’re beautiful,” we say through gritted teeth. “You’re beautiful,” we spit out through tears, looking at a reflection we hate. “You’re beautiful,” we say, holding a body that has never felt the arms of another. “You’re beautiful.” Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. A word like that floats on the surface, give me something with depth. Tell me I’m intelligent. Tell me I’m courageous. Tell me that when I laugh the whole world smiles. Tell me that my voice is sweeter than strawberries. Remind me that my hands have helped flowers grow, painted the ocean, and captured the sky in my phone. Assure me that with a mind like mine, I can change the world. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t really care if it’s true. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that beauty goes through and through. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve felt the word splatter against me enough for a lifetime. I am better than the “beautiful” that slips from your lips. I am the ocean, 36,000 feet deep. There are parts of me you have never seen. I am outer space, infinite in your search. I am not simply “beautiful.” I’m a fucking masterpiece.”

(c) berlin-artparasites

The Big Adventures and Lessons of My 2013

There were a lot of things that happened in 2013 but if I have to admit one thing, it’s that I feel that lately, my growth spiritually and emotionally has reached a lag, or so it seems.

I cannot exactly pinpoint it, but when the clock struck to 12:01 this morning which signaled the start of 2014, I silently uttered a prayer to God that despite the feeling of emptiness which I still need to process and understand, I thanked Him for it may be His work of emptying me like a cup so that He can fill me with new dreams, passions, ideals, beliefs, with a bonus of renewed faith, strength, and love.

And so, before I list down the things that I learned for this year as I have been doing for three years now, here are the highlights of my 2013:

Spent my 25th birthday in a students’ camp, without really having anybody know that it was my birthday

Celebrated Valentine’s day as single zombies

Helped prepare a 30-minute musical play

Got sun-kissed at home during the summer vacation

Joined a three-day Thai culture seminar

Visited one of the largest 3D museums in Southeast Asia

Blessed to have listened to a living inspiration

Had a Thailand-Laos-Vietnam road trip

Spent all-souls’ day in a students’ camp and was able to caress a snake and had a friendly, no-barrier communion with giraffes and zebras in the middle of a forest, at night ;)

Helped in the fund-raising for the Yolanda victims

Had the best of both ends of Thailand for Christmas---winter in the north, and summer in the south

However, 2013 wasn’t just all about road trips and camps and academic activities.

It was a year when I really understood what it feels like when your family and your friends who really understand you seem so distant that you have no one but yourself and the promise that He is with you. See? I am already 25 years old and I still have the same issues as that of a 16 year old. Life’s issues and challenges do not really change, you just become wiser.

It was a year when I fully understood that inner peace means letting Him take charge of the future when your father is in the ICU and there is a big chance that he would kick the bucket and all you can do is wait and have the faith that whatever happens, He is God and He is in control.

It was a year when I was poked by God to make me realize that my ego and vanity have blown out of proportions. I experienced what it felt like to be figuratively kicked in the stomach and being humbled to the point that I renewed my promise to reinvest in my self-esteem which doesn’t need the adulation and assurances of others. I experienced what it feels like to have my bubble of pride burst in front of me into innumerable pieces that I had to curl and literally lull myself just so I can sleep.

It was a year when my heart broke and hasn’t actually even mended yet, by witnessing my country bearing the wrath of a super typhoon. I now know how it is to be stripped naked in front of the whole world to see. I now know the excruciating pain of having nothing left as a Filipino citizen but pride and dignity. And I now know how it is to really feel such loss and heartbreak to the point of looking into the heavens and ask God, “Have you forgotten us?”. I am not a very vocal and showy person but this tragedy broke my heart to the point of wailing incomprehensibly to my mother over a long distance call, and that cry wasn’t for me nor for my family but for my country.

So, despite the apparent growth lag which I feel, there is so much to learn in life if you just allow it to teach you. In 2013, I learned:

1. to never mistake having your ego and vanity hurt as being hurt because of love.

2. to never assume the emotions and thoughts of other people. You have really no idea about the course of their feelings and thoughts.

3. to never really depend on other people because each of us has our own dragon to slay.

4. to stay still and know that He is God.

5. to look at my flaws and mistakes as a person squarely and realize that I am still an amazing creation despite all of these.

6. to identify who are the people who really matter and to never really care to please everyone.

7. to stay away from people who have too much drama in life.

8. to stay simple but to always give some time for my eccentric passions and delights.

9. to keep my pride as a Filipino intact by doing my share to extend help even though the whole world is looking down in our incapacity as a nation amidst a tragedy.

10. to spend less and travel more.

11. that I need to start reading again.

and,

10. to never really give up on love even though the odds are telling me that I am a difficult person to pursue because I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and my heart is just exactly in the right place.

I have long ago stopped making new year’s resolutions, nor do I make wishes anymore. I am not even superstitious. New year for me, is always a time to say “thank you” for the daily sufficient grace provided by the Almighty.

Life is definitely not perfect---dreams become so elusive, people whom we wholeheartedly trust fail us, the people whom we love couldn’t always be with us---but the good thing is that, God gives us BIG gifts to sustain us and to make us realize that life may in fact be not perfect, but it is still a great blessing.

My two big gifts, my constants, which I would always be awed and be humbled about are:

1. My FAMILY, which would always be my north in my life’s compass. It’s amazing how the same blood runs in our veins but we are all as different as the multi-colored m&m candies which are packed together by chance. They are the reason why I am not afraid to leave home, nor am I scared to take chances and fail because I know that I would always have a place and people to go back to.

2. My GYPSIES, old friends turned to family. They are some of the best that I know of---the perfect mixture of crazy and smart and unique and down to earth people. We may all have taken our different paths, chase our own dreams, establish our own lives, but we would always be connected by our sixteen year old dreams and lives which fate had amazingly converged. In all the hustle and bustle of growing up, they are always my emergency sanity button. Or, insanity haven, if I may correct myself.

In this new year, I don’t have any wish at all but I will surely DREAM some more, PLAN some more, WORK some more, and LOVE some more with no fear of failing because I have an amazing God who would always back me up.

In 2014, I will try hard to LET GO, and LET GOD.

Thank you 2013.

2014, bring it on!

Lessons of God’s Grace and of a Woman’s Worth from Maricar

The cyber community is again buzzing with a recently viral video of the actress, Maricar Reyes.

…but this time, it’s about her beautiful and heartfelt wedding to local singer, Richard Poon.

From her infamous and scandalous video years ago, Maricar rose up from that controversy into a woman who proves that amidst the uproars and forces to crumble one’s dignity and spirit, taking the high roads is always the best defense. She proved that silence isn’t for the weak and sometimes, to remain so despite the strong urge to defend one’s wounded pride, is a true test of strength of character.

With that, she became the perfect epitome of grace under pressure.

Maybe, God decided that for all that she had to bear, it is just right to bless her with a kind of love that has the capacity to erase all the shame and self-doubt that she felt when the shadows of her past came after her, a few years back. We all, at one point in our lives, have done crazy things (some of them are admittedly cringe-worthy enough) all for the name of LOVE. She was just one unlucky lady to have hers broadcasted all over the country. Her choice to remain silent might have raised a lot of eyebrows, but I believe that it was the best decision to save her pride (or what might have remained of it).

Her story is an inspiration to all ladies, an eye-opener that God doesn’t only give second chances, but many chances and options as well, to those who refuse to let their past mistakes define them. It gives a glimmer of hope to those ladies who feel that they are broken, reminding them that a woman’s worth can always be restored by the right choices, with the right attitude, with the right people, and by God’s abounding grace. Her story was proof that no amount of force that targets to crumble our dignity and worth as women, can ever stop us from setting and resetting our standards another bar higher.

If I will have a daughter one day, I hope that I can be able to hone her into a woman who knows her worth and strength as a woman. I will tell her that it’s always okay to set high standards because she is worth it. I will keep on reminding her, despite the popular opinion, that it’s okay to set high standards because God will help her to reach those standards. I will teach her to never settle for anything less than what she deserves.

In the present times, men like Richard Poon---men who knows how to respect, cherish, and honor the women whom they love, are definitely rare. The way he opted to have their first kiss as a couple on their wedding day might probably be too old-fashioned for the taste of others, but it was a very sweet and sincere way of showing that he honors his wife. And I’ll bet my one cent that even the most cynical among us must have had their hearts turned into slush upon seeing that first, shy kiss of this couple. That first kiss couldn’t be described any better than, sweet.

I hope that the men who got a chance to watch the video, would have gotten an idea or two on how to not only love, but to cherish and honor the women in their lives. It would be such a great joy to have more men who would start realizing that physical expression is an extremely beautiful way of confirming and showing love, but the thing is, it can always wait.

I am praying that if I get to have a son one day, I fervently pray that God would give me the grace to inculcate in him respect for every women. I hope that he would grow up into a man who perfectly knows that when he loves a lady, he loves the heart, the mind, and soul of that lady--- and that he would gain strength and manly pride in letting the lady whom he loves realize how beautiful he finds the totality of her being.

So ladies, let us never doubt that God had already reserved a beautiful story for us in his collections of love stories. Honestly, I’m starting to get jaded, what with the countless stories of heartbreaks and betrayals that we see and hear everyday.But stories like this are a confirmation that God is in control if we just let Him be.

And while waiting for our own love story to unfold, let us demand for every ounce of respect and honor that we are worthy of, as ladies of strength and of character.

*While writing this, my heart was actually terribly bleeding, for one of my ultimate crushes had already tied the knot. But Maricar’s one fine lady, so I’ll gracefully give in. *wink*

The Subtle Tang of Salt I Carry With Me Anywhere---Which I Don’t Mind

This is Philippines that is not covered by any news, the Philippines that is committed to my memory, stitched in my heart.

This is home.

It is the multi-colored sago beads floating on the pinkish, melted ice shavings in a left-over halo-halo.
The buzzing of mosquitoes on your ears on a warm summer night.
Blaring soap-opera sounds out of the windows of every nearby homes.
Off-key voices, singing all time favorite videoke pieces.
Sunburns, dried sand sticking on a pair of worned-out tsinelas.
Sticky hairs from too much sun and saltwater.
Whiff of dried fish mixed with the tangy smell of vinegar and soy-sauce on a crisp morning. 

Clothes and pillowcases and blankets hanging on the clothesline. The meeting of the glittering blue of the waters, and the soft blue of the skies.
The bursting of pink and orange and yellow and peach and purple on a setting sun.
It is the tasty fish balls downed with a bottle of chilled coke.
The loud colors of hanging banderitas, body paints on tanned skins, beatings of the drum that match the beatings of your own heart, and dancing….dancing everywhere.
The first bite on a saccharine water melon, or the thirsty gulp of pure coconut juice.
The intricately painted jeepneys, jam-packed with local tourist heading for the beach.
The steady buzz of the pump boat’s engine against the crashing of the waves.
Plump shrimps and inviting crabs.
Footsteps of the Floristas on a humid May afternoon.
Familiar voices, singing Hiligaynon Flores de Mayo songs. Latin prayers.
Dried flowers dumped on the corner of the dusty barrio chapel, from yesterday’s offering.
Pinas’ summer is for family, for pictures, and umbrellas…and memories.
Pinas’ summer is for gratitude, for the happy shades of green and blue.
Pinas’ summer, is always, always for going home.

My 2012 in Review

Happy New Year everyone!

I’m writing this during the first few hours of year 2013. Okay, I originally decided to finish this post on the last hours of last year’s but I wasn’t able to beat the deadline. But isn’t it just a bit awesome that I started writing this post last year, bagong taon ko na natapos? Ahahaha!

And since new years are always associated with lists, this particular post will also be flooded with lists.

I started the year 2012 with a post about what I should accomplish for that particular year. It wasn’t a resolution list, more like a bucket list which contains the following entries:

1. Save extra money for Fiesta mass sponsorship on April

2. Save specific amount of money every month to have a "fatter" bank account

3. Submit for Palanca by March

4. Have my passport stamped with Germany visa for vacation on May

5. Have a jump shot in the Great Wall

6. Have a family member take a vacation here by December

7. Give pamahaw and buy  bouquet for Flores :)

8. Fall in love, this time with no inhibitions....(So help me God! )

9. Check WEST post availability

2012 is over and what exactly did I accomplish from this year’s bucket list?

NOTHING.

Not even a single entry from this list was materialized.

I plotted what my year was supposed to be like, but nothing came out exactly as planned. I wasn’t able to sponsor our Fiesta mass. Instead, I was given the grace to sponsor the mass for the culmination of the Flores de Mayo which was so meaningful to me because of my devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I wasn’t able to push through with the processing of my Schengen visa for a sponsored visit in Germany but unexpectedly, I was able to have my passport stamped with Korean visa and God showered me with such blessings that I was able to pay all the travel expenses by myself. I don’t have a jump shot in the Great Wall but I have a photo hugging the Gyeongbukgong Palace gates. I didn’t submit for Palanca but I tried writing again for Panay news. I wasn’t able to bring a family member to have a vacation here in Thailand but I was able to go home to spend my summer holidays.  There wasn’t an availability in West but I’m not giving up on it just yet. My back account surely isn’t fatter (Korea expenses, hello? Ahahaha!) but I have a bundle of stories and anecdotes to tell. I didn’t fall in love this year but I used the time to let my heart heal and I think if an opportunity comes, this heart’s ready (Ayeeeeee!).

You see, 2012 just like the previous years, was God’s way of constantly reminding me that no matter how I plan my life, His plans are bigger than mine.

* * *

                              

The year 2012 was filled with trying new adventures, meeting new people, going to new places, eating unfamiliar foods, and learning new lessons. But it was also a time to love my constants all the more---comfortable routines, family, old friends, all-time favorite food, and home. So here’s my compacted 2012 in no particular order or pattern. I’ve already long accepted that well arranged and laid out patterns are not for me, my mind and my heart are not just designed for it. And with God’s plans in my life, I think He agrees that I just keep this untamed and cluttered me just as it is. 

Note: Be prepared, for the screen will be flooded by my dorky face again! Ahahaha! 

(1)Celebrated my 24th birthday---first time away from home. (2) Experienced a super hot summer with temperature reaching to 40 degrees. Hot summer it was, indeed! (3) Songkran---the Thai way of celebrating new year. (4) Yay!  Bound for home. (5) Omurice—the result of going gaga over a Korean drama. (6) Grassboarding on the steepy hills of Meamoh. (7) Trained a student for an ASEAN oratorical contest. We got a bronze medal while competing with the schools in the northern region of Thailand! (8)Wai Kru---it’s a customary Thai tradition of paying respect to the teachers. (9) Getting lost in Bangkok, alone. (10) Guiding the students in scouting. I was never even an active girl scout in ‘pinas! (11) Experienced the hospitability of Ahne’s family while I was in Manila. (12) Food, and more foods! (13) The ultimate Korea adventure! (14) Second Loi Krathong in Thailand.

* * *

If there would be thoughts that would remain with me when I think of the year 2012, it wouldn’t be the adventures or a particular event but the lessons that I’ve learned from all of these.

Sure, this was a year when we lost Papa Adring and the pain of the loss was magnified because I was away and I couldn’t physically comfort my family and be comforted in return. This was also a year when I greatly questioned my capacity and influence as a teacher when one of my students literally pushed me when I gave him a piece of my mind and he wasn’t able to understand because of the language barrier. This was a year when an unexpected flashflood hit my city just right after Christmas. I can go on and on in mentioning all the unfortunate and painful events that happened this year but as I said earlier, the universe works in equilibrium. When life offers you some blows, it would also offer you a balm to heal your wearied spirit.

So for the last list in my year-end review, here are the BIG LESSONS of 2012:

1. You couldn’t prepare your heart for the great pain of death and loss. But there’s nothing that a prayer couldn’t heal.

2. Miracles can happen. Even if they last for several hours, they are still counted as miracles. Believe.

3. There’s a strong radar among family and old friends. They could sense the state of your heart and mind despite the distance.

4. It’s not the place that you go back home into. It’s the people in it.

5. Moving on doesn’t mean being indifferent. It’s the point when you can just laugh about everything that happened and really wish a particular person a well-lived life.

6. There’s a special beauty in silence that can heal almost everything.

7. When everything doesn’t fall into its rightful place, sleep and good food are just the perfect solution.

8. Sometimes, all you just need is several seconds of embarrassing but deep-rooted courage to put people and things in their rightful places.

9. Always take the high road no matter what.

10. Being a teacher sometimes means knowing when to give up a particular student to somebody who can help them more.

11. Losing a lot of important people and things in life makes you more courageous in letting go of some superficial stuff that you once thought as important. Like, losing a whole bookshelf of my years’ worth of book collection to typhoon Quinta isn’t as heartbreaking as I once imagined it would be.

12. Allow God to surprise you in the middle of your well-planned life.

13. A cluttered life isn’t a sign of negligence. Sometimes, it means that there are more important things to do and to learn than spending the time to have it systematically arranged.

14. Start travelling while you are young.

15. Always open your heart to the possibility of love, no matter what.

The Mayans were  definitely wrong, we did survive 2012 after all.

However, it wasn’t transcending the predicted holocaust on the  21^st of December that was our greatest feat and triumph for this year. It was our day to day struggle and commitment to live a quiet but dignified life while opening our hearts to everything that life had prepared for all the 365 days of this year.

Thank you 2012! :)