I know that it’s nonsense to be celebrating or even remembering this day when you are stuck at a certain age or remembered as a distinct and unchanging figure (You like that, huh? Stuck in our minds and hearts as 35 forever---never growing old and never getting an additional wrinkle? Ahahaha!). However, I would like to remember and quietly celebrate this day, every year, for the rest of my life
On this day, my quiet prayer when I woke up was more of a “thank you” for the gift of acceptance and letting go. There was a brief flashback of the pain which the family felt about six years ago---how you left without any premonitions or how you were the first person whose sudden absence gave me such grief that it was almost like a physical pain. I remembered how I would literally press my chest with such force for the fear that if I would momentarily loosen the pressure, my heart would just break into innumerable pieces. But then, despite these memories, I chose to remember how you were exactly when you were still living. I know that upon remembrance of those good memories, the pang of sadness and loss would also wash over me, but these are welcomed emotions for these are proof that you had made such an impact in our lives. I just want to thank you (Which I wasn’t able to personally do when you were alive since it didn’t come into my mind that you wouldn’t be staying forever.) for being such a supportive cousin/big sister. I couldn’t imagine a point in my growing years when you weren’t there---you were such an active member of my cheering team. Among us cousins, you were our leader that when you left, even though I am not the eldest when it comes to age, it felt that a big part of that role was instantly put on my shoulders….and I wasn’t ready.
But when I look back, I am thankful that we were able to transcend the part in which your loss has somewhat left us incapacitated. Although the pain is still there (and it wouldn’t completely go away), but it’s no longer a raw pain. It’s more of a quiet pain that leaves tiny echoes in our hearts and it’s not altogether an ugly pain---it’s a beautiful pain which results from losing someone who has lived a beautiful life.
I strongly believe that the quiet message of my heart can reach the heavens. And if it does, then you will know that I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving us six years ago. I forgive you for not holding on for a little bit longer. I forgive you for not even giving us any sign that you’ll be leaving. I forgive you for the raw pain which you left us. I forgive you for being no longer a constant in our lives at the moment. I forgive you for not being able to be part any longer of the things that we do and we will do. I forgive you for leaving such a big, irreplaceable place in our lives. Most of all, I forgive you for just opting to let go.
So ‘day Ana, be at peace. You will always be remembered and in the many years to come, you will always be a part of whatever endeavors that I will have.
Happy Birthday day! You are greatly missed!
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