Dear ,
Not putting your name in here
is much for your
sake than mine. You
see, looking at your present status, this letter shouldn’t
be written at all because it might cause quite
a stir in the peace
that you are trying
to maintain in your family life. However, I feel
that I should have written
this letter a long time ago just for
the sole purpose
of letting it all out. So, let’s make a compromise. Let
me continue writing this letter, minus your identity,
in the hope that some people
who would by chance read
this, wouldn’t get a single clue of your identity.
And if some of those people
are dearly
close to me, to us, and who know our story quite well, they
would
perfectly understand why is there a need
for me to write
this, would just shrug this whole
thing off knowing perfectly that all of these are bygones. And if you are
the one reading this, I
perfectly know that every piece will fall perfectly together after reading this
and you would go about living your life with one baggage less.
I
am writing first and foremost to say sorry. That’s a first from me, right? I am
sorry because I was too vague at a time when you were quite sure of your
feelings towards me. I’m sorry if I left you hanging and waiting, probably for
several years. I am sorry for giving you hints and letting you deal with your
emotions alone. I can only imagine the pain and the desperation that I let you
through. I am sure that if you just had a chance, you would’ve rattled
and shaken me at one point just for the pleasure of it. I am sorry because I
was quite a slow learner in the romance department. I am sorry because the
growth of your feelings towards me came at a time when I wasn’t able to fully
master the balance between my heart and my mind----and at that time, my mind
was clicking in full gear. But if I can just turn back time, I wish I could’ve
made it easier for you, gave you a definite yes or no and not left you hanging.
It was also a struggle for me, you see. If it would give you peace of mind, I
want you to know that I appreciate all the attention and declarations of love
that you did and there were even several times when I felt that I was ready to
give it a try. But I don’t have any regrets whatsoever. I believe that wherever
we are at the moment and whatever our situations might be, all of these are
meant to happen. I hope that you feel the same way too.
When
I was in the process of establishing my self concept and concretizing my
beliefs and views of life and love, I felt that I was to be blamed for some of
the things that happened to you. Like when you fell in and out of love for
several times, or when you weren’t able to march with us during our university
graduation. At that time, I secretly nursed my guilt. Looking back, I couldn’t
help but smile bemusedly I gave too much credit for myself over your decisions
in life at that time. In the process of growing up and healing myself, I
realized that thinking that I was partly to be blamed for your choices, meant
that your world revolved in me, which was not the case. I learned along the way
that we are to be accountable of whatever happens to us and of our choices---may
they be wrong or right. So, I have forgiven myself for a lot of wrong choices
and decisions in life, and I hope you had somehow forgiven me for being such a
pain at one point in your life. And I know you are too smart so as to forgive yourself
as well.
I
am happy to see you finally living the quiet dignity of being a husband and a
father. You see, God eventually would lead us to that one person who would eventually
erase all our past hurts and would make us believe in the capacity of love to transcend
everything. I think you are lucky you
know, for having found such a devoted and lovely wife. That’s spoken in its real
context. I don’t question the love which you felt for me back then because I believe
that nothing can beat the purity and passion of any young love. But, we must eventually
look for that kind of love that can
withstand any tests--- which that young love couldn’t have managed because it
was too delicate and impressionable. So, even though ours was just an “almost”
case, but let’s give each other the closure and peace which we both deserve.
When
we meet in the near
future, which is not an impossible scenario
since we belong to the
same circle of friends, I am at peace with the
idea that we’ll smile at each other,
only as a form of acknowledging each other’s
presence, without
any thoughts of the past or of the “what-could-have-been”.
Your old friend,
Au
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