Random Thoughts Of Somebody Who Turned a Quarter of a Century Old

Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, next to my family and old friends of course!

Sounding like a righteous narcissist, right? I know, I know.

But bad jokes aside, I honestly don’t know how to start this post. What do you exactly say when you turn 25? Not that I’m nostalgic of my younger years (Ahem!) nor am I particular about numbers but it’s just that when I really take time to think about it, it still stuns me to realize that I have existed for a quarter of a century (Sabay-sabay: Huuuwaaaat!!!!!!?). Yes, I am that old so that makes me a perfect subject for Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest! (I can hear somebody murmuring: The doomsday for the scientific community is coming. Beware! Ahahaha!)

But really, what and how should you feel when you turn 25? I never really gave it much thought nor was I prepared. But I guess nobody really is. The last time I remembered, I was just an awkward high schooler and before I knew it, I’m stuck in this very confusing albeit adrenaline-rush inducing grown-up world which sometimes makes my heart thumping erratically, making those extra weird lub-dub’s.  I have this crazy theory that perhaps, everyone is stuck to being 16 forever, only that life gives us bigger responsibilities that we go about pretending, or probably the right word is assuming, the role of being a grown up. That’s what’s happening to me, I appear to be cool and composed, but I still have the same passions and fears and worries and crazy antics as when I was 16.

So, how should I deal with being 25?

1. UNICEF ad? Ah, hindi ba? Ahahahaha! 2. No side comments please. We all have those awkward high school photos. 3.  Pacute-cute daw para ibigin. Ahahahaha! *wink*

When I was a 6-year old, I surely didn’t know what will I be at this certain age nor could I probably comprehend what 25 is when it was years and years away! All I was worried about at that certain age was to think of tactics on how to escape my “forced” afternoon naps, dancing the “lambada” (Oh my! So 90’s.) and singing some school songs in order to get whatever amount that I could from my doting family members (See the word: extortion. Ahahaha!). Life was simple then.

I surely didn’t have any idea about being 25 when I was an elementary kid. All I worried about was my declamation contests and science camps and quiz bees. At that time, I thought the world revolved in those things, and if that was the case, I had everything. Why should I dare look beyond something that was incomprehensible to my 11 year-old mind?

High School was a different case. When you are 16 and the whole world is at your palm, when the possibilities are endless, that’s the time when you feel that you can do everything. We did all feel invincible at that stage, didn’t we? There were just images of the future that I conjured, but the future was still soooooo far. Why should you worry about being 25 when you are 16? I didn’t.

University life was like being thrown into a grown-up world only that in the end, you would realize that it didn’t even come close to being in the “real” grown-up world. At that time, I felt that my possibilities are still too endless, I started making abstract plans of the future. Some of those plans became concrete, some remained as that. Abstract.

Life happens. In between being 6 and 25, it might not be that noticeable but it does happen. I got my heart broken into innumerable pieces, many times---that I thought I needed a new one. Seen my bubble of pride bursting surreally right in front of my eyes when it’s the only thing that was left of me. I was painfully pruned and broken and remolded. Yes, I have every right to claim that I am 25 in every way but what’s amazing about all of these is that I also have the choice over the age of my heart. And I claim that it will be 16 forever----that means it will forever love passionately, fight fearlessly if needed, hurt without holding back, and beat not mechanically but erratically.

So I turned 25 today, and there’s no turning back. 

In rare moments from the past, I thought that at this age, I would  probably be married or have a kid of my own (Oh boy! I know right?*cringe* Not that I don't like kids. I luuuuuuv kids but I still couldn't imagine having my own at the moment, now that I'm really thinking about it.) or living a quiet and stable life of teaching kids 'til I'm wrinkly and cranky(For rhyming's sake lang 'tong word na ito! Ahahaha!). 

And reality check, at 25, I’m definitely not yet married (NBSB, hellooooooo? Ahahaha!) and kids are still way out of the question, absolutely. My life’s still a bit shaky and I’m still very uncertain about the future, very much like when I was 16. But what’s different is that I’ve learned a lesson or two about life that may just come in handy the next time I’ll be needing them. But for what it’s worth, it’s a life worth celebrating about----a life faithfully blessed by an awesome God, a life filled with love from family and friends, a life with endless possibilities of learning new lessons, of helping and touching the lives of others, of going to distant places, and of loving as much as I could.

The Non-existent

It’s the moment between wakefulness and sleep when he lingers. That particular moment when your breathing becomes even and sleep starts to take a claim on you but then you can still hear even the minutest of sounds---including the beating of your own heart. It was at this instant when I first thought that I love him, finally admitted that I love him, eventually believed that this emotion will last forever.

He believed in perfect timing. He sticks by this principle, knowing that whatever amount of effort one puts in, if not in accordance with the pulse of the universe, will just all fall into waste. So, in his young heart, he kept the picture of a distant future---a picture with subjects of him and I. Despite his belief that the timing of the blossoming of his love was wrong, he didn’t put a chain on his emotions though. He loved me with a love that can be mustered by his 16-year old heart, but he vowed to wait. Now there is a certain dignity in deciding to wait when you are sixteen. It makes your love all the more innocent and pure, in between being sweet and bitter. And lately, it made me think that it ended just like that, bittersweet.

He’s got a thing for pens and blank pages of white paper. He prefers writing letters, the real kind, in long hand. His writing has a certain kind of sharpness in it, a certain kind of crisp. And I think this is where we clash. His writings are like objects in daylight---sharp, detailed  and at times, painful. While mine are objects in the dark, lit only by the moonlight and the street side lamppost ---dewy, subtle and at times, poignant.  I should’ve sensed it the moment I anxiously opened that first letter in his neat longhand. I should’ve  known exactly at that moment that the words weren’t speaking about the future. Instead, those words are speaking of a distant past at present---words in paper made brittle by time, merely words in yellowed pages.

He loves the night. He especially loved stargazing. That’s one in the numerous entries in his soft side list,  despite how tough he projects to be. He once told me that he developed a liking for this activity when he first caught a glimpse of a willowy, wide-eyed girl who was waiting for her turn to peep at a telescope during one of his grade school camps. I jokingly said that that nobody remembers a girl from their grade school camps. He mussed up my hair then, telling me how silly my thoughts are. Of course he remembers, he said. He remembers because It was me. And I became exactly just that, a memory.

He despises tears, especially ones which are coming from a woman. But in reality, it’s his way of hiding a particular weakness---that he couldn’t stand tears because it would render him vulnerable. And he couldn’t handle that. I wondered, really wondered at one point if he would’ve waited just like what he claimed when he was sixteen if I openly cried in front of him, if I made such a big fuss and drama of the fact that he never fully understood my silence. He never saw the sharpness and the rawness of my emotions that were softened by the dewy glow of that single lamp post that was him in my heart.

There was a time when he lingered between wakefulness and sleep---a particular time when the world is done asking favors from me, from both of us. Sometimes, it was the memory that lingers. At other times, words. Often, it was the possibilities---the “what-could-have-beens”.

But he doesn’t anymore---doesn’t linger, doesn’t haunt.

Time waited patiently for me to heal, which he wasn’t able to do. He is now but a distinct character in my writings, the pen and paper gave me a gift of release from him through poetry and prose. The night became my solace too, not from painful wounds which have long healed, but solace with the possibility of new beginnings. I don’t despise tears like he does because those very same tears which I shed only proved how strong this heart is---how capable it is to feel such great emotions  like love, and loss.

Lingering, he doesn’t do that anymore. I’m glad.

Day 8: Dear 2013

Dear 2013,

I have one request to you which you might find very odd.

Please don’t be tolerant or kind to me. If you must, put a strain on me, push me to my limits. I’m giving you the permission to shake me, drive me on the verge of my fears, let me hang on a very thin piece of string. You can do all that to me and I won’t complain. Well, maybe just a little (Ahahaha!).

I learned a lot of lessons in 2012. I had moments of “highs” and “aha’s”, really. And when I look back at it, I would say that 2012 was an okay year.

And that is the problem with it----2012, was just that. Okay.

I never really liked “okays” for they are too synonymous to mediocrity. I remember that there was even a time when I despised just the mere idea of it. When I was at the stage of being a raging idealist, I even vowed that I’d rather be the last on the list than being an “okay”.  No matter how I eventually mellowed down, I am still that idealistic person who believes that everything can be improved, even just a little. True, I silenced that person for quite some time now because I got tired of  the complications and having to constantly put everything on the line but when I really think about it, it’s being in action and being on the go when I feel that I’m living my life to the fullest.

Being passive and just letting life happen is comfortable and definitely easier. It was actually a whiff of fresh air being just that and I enjoyed it for quite some time, but I got bored eventually. So I’m letting the spark which I allowed to only flicker, to shine its most brightest again.

So dear 2013, don’t be kind to me. If you must, bring me to places outside my comfort zone. Introduce me to people who wouldn’t just tolerate me but would give me just the right amount of friction to soften my ragged edges. Put me in the middle of situations that would push me to think, to disregard boundaries, and to transcend expectations. If you must, let me fall in love unreasonably despite the looming possibility of getting hurt. Help me to return into that gangly kid again who still believes that she can change the world, even in just the minutest way possible.  I wouldn’t promise you that I would remain unscathed after 365 days but what I’m sure of is that I’ll be standing in the midst of the battlefield, bruised I may be, but definitely smiling that kind of smile of those who have fought a good fight.

P.S. Don’t worry too much about me. I’m made of sterner stuff than you think. If it would pacify you, I would just wave the white flag of surrender if I couldn’t really bear it, okay? *wink*

My 2012 in Review

Happy New Year everyone!

I’m writing this during the first few hours of year 2013. Okay, I originally decided to finish this post on the last hours of last year’s but I wasn’t able to beat the deadline. But isn’t it just a bit awesome that I started writing this post last year, bagong taon ko na natapos? Ahahaha!

And since new years are always associated with lists, this particular post will also be flooded with lists.

I started the year 2012 with a post about what I should accomplish for that particular year. It wasn’t a resolution list, more like a bucket list which contains the following entries:

1. Save extra money for Fiesta mass sponsorship on April

2. Save specific amount of money every month to have a "fatter" bank account

3. Submit for Palanca by March

4. Have my passport stamped with Germany visa for vacation on May

5. Have a jump shot in the Great Wall

6. Have a family member take a vacation here by December

7. Give pamahaw and buy  bouquet for Flores :)

8. Fall in love, this time with no inhibitions....(So help me God! )

9. Check WEST post availability

2012 is over and what exactly did I accomplish from this year’s bucket list?

NOTHING.

Not even a single entry from this list was materialized.

I plotted what my year was supposed to be like, but nothing came out exactly as planned. I wasn’t able to sponsor our Fiesta mass. Instead, I was given the grace to sponsor the mass for the culmination of the Flores de Mayo which was so meaningful to me because of my devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I wasn’t able to push through with the processing of my Schengen visa for a sponsored visit in Germany but unexpectedly, I was able to have my passport stamped with Korean visa and God showered me with such blessings that I was able to pay all the travel expenses by myself. I don’t have a jump shot in the Great Wall but I have a photo hugging the Gyeongbukgong Palace gates. I didn’t submit for Palanca but I tried writing again for Panay news. I wasn’t able to bring a family member to have a vacation here in Thailand but I was able to go home to spend my summer holidays.  There wasn’t an availability in West but I’m not giving up on it just yet. My back account surely isn’t fatter (Korea expenses, hello? Ahahaha!) but I have a bundle of stories and anecdotes to tell. I didn’t fall in love this year but I used the time to let my heart heal and I think if an opportunity comes, this heart’s ready (Ayeeeeee!).

You see, 2012 just like the previous years, was God’s way of constantly reminding me that no matter how I plan my life, His plans are bigger than mine.

* * *

                              

The year 2012 was filled with trying new adventures, meeting new people, going to new places, eating unfamiliar foods, and learning new lessons. But it was also a time to love my constants all the more---comfortable routines, family, old friends, all-time favorite food, and home. So here’s my compacted 2012 in no particular order or pattern. I’ve already long accepted that well arranged and laid out patterns are not for me, my mind and my heart are not just designed for it. And with God’s plans in my life, I think He agrees that I just keep this untamed and cluttered me just as it is. 

Note: Be prepared, for the screen will be flooded by my dorky face again! Ahahaha! 

(1)Celebrated my 24th birthday---first time away from home. (2) Experienced a super hot summer with temperature reaching to 40 degrees. Hot summer it was, indeed! (3) Songkran---the Thai way of celebrating new year. (4) Yay!  Bound for home. (5) Omurice—the result of going gaga over a Korean drama. (6) Grassboarding on the steepy hills of Meamoh. (7) Trained a student for an ASEAN oratorical contest. We got a bronze medal while competing with the schools in the northern region of Thailand! (8)Wai Kru---it’s a customary Thai tradition of paying respect to the teachers. (9) Getting lost in Bangkok, alone. (10) Guiding the students in scouting. I was never even an active girl scout in ‘pinas! (11) Experienced the hospitability of Ahne’s family while I was in Manila. (12) Food, and more foods! (13) The ultimate Korea adventure! (14) Second Loi Krathong in Thailand.

* * *

If there would be thoughts that would remain with me when I think of the year 2012, it wouldn’t be the adventures or a particular event but the lessons that I’ve learned from all of these.

Sure, this was a year when we lost Papa Adring and the pain of the loss was magnified because I was away and I couldn’t physically comfort my family and be comforted in return. This was also a year when I greatly questioned my capacity and influence as a teacher when one of my students literally pushed me when I gave him a piece of my mind and he wasn’t able to understand because of the language barrier. This was a year when an unexpected flashflood hit my city just right after Christmas. I can go on and on in mentioning all the unfortunate and painful events that happened this year but as I said earlier, the universe works in equilibrium. When life offers you some blows, it would also offer you a balm to heal your wearied spirit.

So for the last list in my year-end review, here are the BIG LESSONS of 2012:

1. You couldn’t prepare your heart for the great pain of death and loss. But there’s nothing that a prayer couldn’t heal.

2. Miracles can happen. Even if they last for several hours, they are still counted as miracles. Believe.

3. There’s a strong radar among family and old friends. They could sense the state of your heart and mind despite the distance.

4. It’s not the place that you go back home into. It’s the people in it.

5. Moving on doesn’t mean being indifferent. It’s the point when you can just laugh about everything that happened and really wish a particular person a well-lived life.

6. There’s a special beauty in silence that can heal almost everything.

7. When everything doesn’t fall into its rightful place, sleep and good food are just the perfect solution.

8. Sometimes, all you just need is several seconds of embarrassing but deep-rooted courage to put people and things in their rightful places.

9. Always take the high road no matter what.

10. Being a teacher sometimes means knowing when to give up a particular student to somebody who can help them more.

11. Losing a lot of important people and things in life makes you more courageous in letting go of some superficial stuff that you once thought as important. Like, losing a whole bookshelf of my years’ worth of book collection to typhoon Quinta isn’t as heartbreaking as I once imagined it would be.

12. Allow God to surprise you in the middle of your well-planned life.

13. A cluttered life isn’t a sign of negligence. Sometimes, it means that there are more important things to do and to learn than spending the time to have it systematically arranged.

14. Start travelling while you are young.

15. Always open your heart to the possibility of love, no matter what.

The Mayans were  definitely wrong, we did survive 2012 after all.

However, it wasn’t transcending the predicted holocaust on the  21^st of December that was our greatest feat and triumph for this year. It was our day to day struggle and commitment to live a quiet but dignified life while opening our hearts to everything that life had prepared for all the 365 days of this year.

Thank you 2012! :)