The Big Adventures and Lessons of My 2013

There were a lot of things that happened in 2013 but if I have to admit one thing, it’s that I feel that lately, my growth spiritually and emotionally has reached a lag, or so it seems.

I cannot exactly pinpoint it, but when the clock struck to 12:01 this morning which signaled the start of 2014, I silently uttered a prayer to God that despite the feeling of emptiness which I still need to process and understand, I thanked Him for it may be His work of emptying me like a cup so that He can fill me with new dreams, passions, ideals, beliefs, with a bonus of renewed faith, strength, and love.

And so, before I list down the things that I learned for this year as I have been doing for three years now, here are the highlights of my 2013:

Spent my 25th birthday in a students’ camp, without really having anybody know that it was my birthday

Celebrated Valentine’s day as single zombies

Helped prepare a 30-minute musical play

Got sun-kissed at home during the summer vacation

Joined a three-day Thai culture seminar

Visited one of the largest 3D museums in Southeast Asia

Blessed to have listened to a living inspiration

Had a Thailand-Laos-Vietnam road trip

Spent all-souls’ day in a students’ camp and was able to caress a snake and had a friendly, no-barrier communion with giraffes and zebras in the middle of a forest, at night ;)

Helped in the fund-raising for the Yolanda victims

Had the best of both ends of Thailand for Christmas---winter in the north, and summer in the south

However, 2013 wasn’t just all about road trips and camps and academic activities.

It was a year when I really understood what it feels like when your family and your friends who really understand you seem so distant that you have no one but yourself and the promise that He is with you. See? I am already 25 years old and I still have the same issues as that of a 16 year old. Life’s issues and challenges do not really change, you just become wiser.

It was a year when I fully understood that inner peace means letting Him take charge of the future when your father is in the ICU and there is a big chance that he would kick the bucket and all you can do is wait and have the faith that whatever happens, He is God and He is in control.

It was a year when I was poked by God to make me realize that my ego and vanity have blown out of proportions. I experienced what it felt like to be figuratively kicked in the stomach and being humbled to the point that I renewed my promise to reinvest in my self-esteem which doesn’t need the adulation and assurances of others. I experienced what it feels like to have my bubble of pride burst in front of me into innumerable pieces that I had to curl and literally lull myself just so I can sleep.

It was a year when my heart broke and hasn’t actually even mended yet, by witnessing my country bearing the wrath of a super typhoon. I now know how it is to be stripped naked in front of the whole world to see. I now know the excruciating pain of having nothing left as a Filipino citizen but pride and dignity. And I now know how it is to really feel such loss and heartbreak to the point of looking into the heavens and ask God, “Have you forgotten us?”. I am not a very vocal and showy person but this tragedy broke my heart to the point of wailing incomprehensibly to my mother over a long distance call, and that cry wasn’t for me nor for my family but for my country.

So, despite the apparent growth lag which I feel, there is so much to learn in life if you just allow it to teach you. In 2013, I learned:

1. to never mistake having your ego and vanity hurt as being hurt because of love.

2. to never assume the emotions and thoughts of other people. You have really no idea about the course of their feelings and thoughts.

3. to never really depend on other people because each of us has our own dragon to slay.

4. to stay still and know that He is God.

5. to look at my flaws and mistakes as a person squarely and realize that I am still an amazing creation despite all of these.

6. to identify who are the people who really matter and to never really care to please everyone.

7. to stay away from people who have too much drama in life.

8. to stay simple but to always give some time for my eccentric passions and delights.

9. to keep my pride as a Filipino intact by doing my share to extend help even though the whole world is looking down in our incapacity as a nation amidst a tragedy.

10. to spend less and travel more.

11. that I need to start reading again.

and,

10. to never really give up on love even though the odds are telling me that I am a difficult person to pursue because I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and my heart is just exactly in the right place.

I have long ago stopped making new year’s resolutions, nor do I make wishes anymore. I am not even superstitious. New year for me, is always a time to say “thank you” for the daily sufficient grace provided by the Almighty.

Life is definitely not perfect---dreams become so elusive, people whom we wholeheartedly trust fail us, the people whom we love couldn’t always be with us---but the good thing is that, God gives us BIG gifts to sustain us and to make us realize that life may in fact be not perfect, but it is still a great blessing.

My two big gifts, my constants, which I would always be awed and be humbled about are:

1. My FAMILY, which would always be my north in my life’s compass. It’s amazing how the same blood runs in our veins but we are all as different as the multi-colored m&m candies which are packed together by chance. They are the reason why I am not afraid to leave home, nor am I scared to take chances and fail because I know that I would always have a place and people to go back to.

2. My GYPSIES, old friends turned to family. They are some of the best that I know of---the perfect mixture of crazy and smart and unique and down to earth people. We may all have taken our different paths, chase our own dreams, establish our own lives, but we would always be connected by our sixteen year old dreams and lives which fate had amazingly converged. In all the hustle and bustle of growing up, they are always my emergency sanity button. Or, insanity haven, if I may correct myself.

In this new year, I don’t have any wish at all but I will surely DREAM some more, PLAN some more, WORK some more, and LOVE some more with no fear of failing because I have an amazing God who would always back me up.

In 2014, I will try hard to LET GO, and LET GOD.

Thank you 2013.

2014, bring it on!

Vietnam Travel Diary (3): Hue, Hoi An and finally, Homebound!

Since my body and mind were overly battered from the bus rides during our Vietnam trip, I wasn’t really able to form coherent thoughts and insights because I was intent in holding myself together as not to give in to fatigue and near suffocation.

So, here’s a photo overload instead. *wink*

Don’t get me wrong. I still love bus rides---but don't put me for more than 60 hours inside it, please.

KAI DINH TOMB

Khai Dinh tomb belongs to Thuy Bang, Huong Thuy, Thua Thien-Hue and it is far about 10 kilometers from Hue city. Khai Dinh tomb has an area smaller than others one but it is more sparkling and sophisticated between western and oriental architecture.

Khai Dinh King chose Chau Ngu Mountain to built tomb which is far about 10 kilometers from Hue. The tomb was established on September 4th 1920 and lasted to 11 years after. The tomb has a combination between modern and traditional architecture. In comparison with those of the preceding emperors, Khai Dinh’ s tomb is much smaller in surface (117m x 48.5m) but it is very elaborate. (http://www.toursinvietnam.com)

Situated at the peak of Chau Ngu Mountain, our feat of climbing the stairs up to the tomb was rewarded by the sight of the wide expanse of the skies and the sprawling trees. Space, a lot of space----is love!

I think that the interior of this edifice is one of the best that I’ve ever been into. The details of the designs are so intricate that despite the fact that it was actually built for the purpose of being a tomb, the whole interior is such an eye-candy.

I don’t know what is it about statues and mannequins that slightly scare me----it’s as if they can move to life, anytime.

CHINESE TEMPLE, HOI AN

The sea below this mountain where the temple is located, reminded me so much of Guisi, Guimaras.

COFEE HUNTING, YET AGAIN

We found one of the best coffees in the city!

Caption this. *wink*

LAMPANG-BOUND, FINALLY

"One of the best things to look forward to when leaving for a vacation, is the warmth of being welcomed back home."

Vietnam Travel Diary (2): Hue

I woke up to the sound of something lashing outside that I really thought our hotel was near the sea. When I quietly tiptoed to our hotel window since Ahne was still sleeping, I was surprised to see that a storm was actually brewing outside. For two years of having not experienced a tropical storm, I actually had forgotten how a storm particularly sounds. 

We were then advised to stay inside and wait for the storm to calm, before going about our travel itinerary.

"Travelling is always humbling because it makes you realize that there are certain things that you can hardly control---your emotions on a dragging bus ride and most especially, the weather."

…while waiting for the storm to calm.

THIEN MU PAGODA

The pagoda is situated on Ha Khe hill, on the left bank of the Perfume River, in Huong Long village, 5 km from Hue city.

It was built in 1601, and then Lord Nguyen Phuc Tan had it renovated in 1665. In 1710, Lord Nguyen Phuc Chu had a great bell cast (2.5m high, 3.285kg) and in 1715, he had a stele (2.58 m high) erected on the back of a marble tortoise.

The name of the pagoda comes from a legend: a long ago, an old woman appeared on the hill where the pagoda stands today. She told local people that a Lord would come and build a Buddhist pagoda for the country's prosperity. Lord Nguyen Hoang, on hearing that, ordered the construction of the pagoda of the "Heavenly Lady". (http://www.vietnamtourism.com)

HUE IMPERIAL CITY

The Imperial City at Hue is the best-preserved remnant of a vast citidel and royal quarters that once existed on the site. 

In the early 19th century the Emperor Gia Long consulted geomancers to find the best place to build a new palace and citadel. The geomancers chose the present site at Hue. The Emperor wished to recreate, in abbreviated form, a replica of the Forbidden City in Beijing. At his command, tens of thousands of laborers were conscripted to dig a ten kilometer moat and earthen walls to form the outer perimeter of the citidel.

Nowadays the city has been declared a UNESCO site and the remaining buildings have been lovingly restored. (http://www.orientalarchitecture.com)

GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT

We did not pass up the chance to go out and have a late night drink…coffee drink, that is----since Vietnam is well known for its coffee.

We were so delighted with the cute Vietnamese girl who went in front of our table and started singing some local songs. All of the people in the coffee shop applauded when she finished and we also received a lot of warm smiles when they knew that we were not locals. I think that this was one of the highlights of my Vietnam trip. It is always, always, the wonderful surprise brought about by interacting with the locals in a foreign land that would always make me remember fondly a particular place.

Vietnam Travel Diary (1): Thoughts on a 30-hour Bus Ride

I love bus rides. Really, I do.

But a 30-hour bus ride from Thailand through Laos going to Vietnam---that’s a different story. It made me wish to just sleep through the entire trip and just wake up finally, in Vietnam. But that’s not the case. The crammed bus seat and the occasional bumpy roads that we passed on made sleep almost impossible. And, I need my 8-hour uninterrupted sleep for my brain to function normally. Without that sleep, all you get from me are the occasional nods and halfhearted replies that my disoriented brain can muster.

This whole trip, though it made me occasionally cranky and irritable due to exhaustion, made me realize a lot of things and one of it is the importance of comfort while travelling. This trip was a teachers’ trip of our school, so everything was basically free. And so, another thing which I realized was that an arranged group tour by a travel agency is okay, but I’m definitely not going to be a big fan of it in my future travels. I am still pro-independent travel and backpacking.

I believe a foreign city or country becomes more personal to you when you are involved in the planning of the whole trip and without really having any fixed or rigid schedule for the entire trip. The charm of independent travel is in interacting with the locals, and being really out in the streets of a city and getting lost and finding your way through it. Although this Vietnam trip was already pre-planned and pre-arranged, but we also somehow made sure that there was something to remember about it.

"What I find weird is a night sky without any stars. I think stars give us this certain sense of being connected, most especially to people whom we can only share but the wide expanse of the night sky with."---bus ride, sometime between the 13th and 14th of October

LAOS ROADTRIP

Laos is a relatively small, landlocked country and its population is living below the international poverty line. Travelling opens your eyes not only to the wonders that this world can offer but also to its realities. Passing through Laos was a very humbling experience. The moment we passed through the national highway of Laos which connects Thailand and Vietnam, I was reminded of the dusty roads of the far-flung barrios in the Philippines.

Honestly, I did complain a bit. Okay, I did complain about the bumpy ride along the country’s national highway---but that was the exhaustion and the ball of emotions that I had become because of the length of the trip. But what I really appreciated was that, despite the state of this country’s economy, the Laos tour guides were very proud in talking about their country for the whole duration of the trip. I think taking pride in one’s country despite of, is something that we have to learn from the Laotian.


STORMY VIETNAM

"Travelling is always humbling because it makes you realize that there are certain things that you can hardly control---your emotions on a dragging bus ride and most especially, the weather."

I woke up to the lashing of the winds and rain on our hotel room window. When I drew the curtains aside, we were greeted with a tropical stormy Vietnamese morning.

I’m sorry but despite the lashing of the tropical storm which actually destroyed a lot of homes and establishments in Vietnam, at that moment, I smiled nostalgically upon remembrance of stormy mornings way back home. So, we waited for several hours inside the hotel for the storm to calm down before doing our travel itinerary. In the midst of waiting, we were astounded with the heartbreaking earthquake news from the Philippines. A couple of our colleagues who are from Cebu and Bohol had difficulty contacting their families, and although the Filipino spirit of resilience and faith surfaced among us during that moment, but the agony of waiting for any news from home made us contemplative all throughout that first day.

The scenes along the roads of Vietnam were no foreign to us Filipinos. They were like images from home during a calamity and after that, when we are picking ourselves up right after the storm. We even waved back to and shared some kind smiles with some young Vietnamese soldiers who were doing some clean-up and relief operations along the shores of Danang, one of the cities badly hit by the storm. 

The scenes of the Vietnamese people, picking pieces of their homes and businesses, or whatever were left of it to rebuild it again, were truly heartbreaking. But it also inspired admiration for the fortitude that they were showing. Because of that, I was a little bit pacified in knowing that since the spirit of fortitude and resilience is universal, the Filipinos way back home can definitely rise back again right after the striking of the earthquake---for we are one of the strongest people that I know of.

Vietnam, right after the tropical storm.

"If there is anything else that I would remember about this trip aside from having had a week-long love affair with my bus seat is that, I was able to have a glimpse of the Filipino spirit in the Vietnamese people while they were picking themselves up, right after the lashing of the tropical storm---which reminded me that the spirit of human fortitude and strength is indeed universal. Plus, the gift of knowing that on the other side of the long stretch of sea before us was actually home."

Nick Vujicic in Chiang Mai!

We were greatly blessed to have been given the chance to meet Nick Vujicic in Chiang Mai. I mean, what are the chances of meeting and hearing the story of a living inspiration? I remember seeing him first in YouTube about 5 years ago and his story has a way of getting into you and never leaving you at all.

There were about 10,000 people who were there and sure, Nick was just like a dot from where we were seated, but his story and his positive presence had altogether created this large amount of empowering energy which encompassed the large number of crowd.

You cannot leave after hearing Nick’s story without feeling that great desire in you to live your life with a purpose as well. I think this is how God works through His people---He speaks to us not always exactly in supernatural and magnanimous ways, but through each other.

I went home that night, physically dead tired, but with a happy and full heart knowing that my God loves me, broken pieces and all.

Those Brief Coffee Breaks

I am just a regular coffee drinker, not exactly coffee dependent. I really don’t have insane episodes like some, whose cravings for a cup of coffee is really a matter of life of death.

I occasionally enjoy my cup of coffee whether it may be coupled with silence, deep or nonsensical talks, or hearty laughter. I don’t know what is it about having a warm cup of coffee, clasped in between your palms, that makes the world a little bit slower, giving you a momentary sense of calm.

It’s amusing how this post started about coffee and is about to end being a bit philosophical. I think I enjoy my occasional, brief coffee breaks not because my blood is screaming out for caffeine, but because during those moments, I have an excuse to slow down. During those moments, I have all the right to just be momentarily an observer, to be still, and to just breathe.

With all the conflicting research results regarding the effects of coffee on human health, the non-health-buff-slash-trying-hard-philosopher me, thinks that one of the best moments in life is actually spent sipping a cup of warm, creamy coffee.

To Go Back Home, and Start Leaving a Mark

I am a product of the Philippine public school system---that means my elementary and high school years were spent in our local central school and in our city’s national high school, not to mention my university training in a state university. I certainly know about the bad publicity of our country’s public school, all right. The selling of ice candies and tocinos and other chichirias by the teachers inside the classrooms are actually true. So is the one-(obsolete)-book-per-five-students ratio. But despite all these negative facts and for whatever it’s worth, I’ll have to say that the best teachers and the most promising youth of the country are actually found in the public school system.

Perhaps, I had been so lucky to have been under the training and to have sat in the classes of some of the best and the most resourceful public school teachers. My learning foundations were deeply embedded in me, thanks to my dedicated and very supportive elementary teachers at Man-it Central Elementary School. Right after graduating from elementary, I qualified in the Special Science Program of our public high school and it was there that I was trained to excel in my studies. I was so enthusiastic to learn, and the education and training that were given to us pushed us to transcend from being grade conscious students and to become young people who dream big and who are not afraid to start working hard for those dreams. And when I say, start working hard for those dreams, I mean studying hard to cope with what were expected of us and at the same time, to take advantage of our training and learn as much as we can.

I believe it was at a certain moment in high school when I decided to become a teacher. Sure, we were lucky to have received such good training that it never happened at one point that being in a public school became an issue to me, or made me feel inferior to those who were studying in far more expensive private institutions. At such a young age, I was already deeply moved by stories of other kids who have to cross rivers and mountains just to receive a formal education, of students who don’t get the quality of education that they deserve just because a number of their teachers are misplaced or lack the proper training. I deemed it unfair that I and my classmates get to have some of the best teachers and facilities, while a big portion of students in schools around the country have to be victims of poor service and quality of education.

We all go through that stage when we want to change the world---that’s what happened to me at the age of 14 or 16, maybe. That’s what fired my desire in pursuing a teaching course in the university, despite my parents’ slight disapproval and the raising of eyebrows from most people whom I know of which suggests, “Why take up education?”

The passion to teach, to actually change the world through it, was gradually forgotten between letting life happen and amidst the issues and concerns that I have to deal with as a young teacher and as a young adult who was (and still is) just starting out to grasp the rules of the game in the big, grown up world. 

I started my first year of teaching in a promising new private school in our city---but never forgetting that I have to pay back to the system that had educated me well and provided me means to pave my way towards my dreams. Two, three, and now, five years have passed and I’m still in the private school system. Furthermore, I am teaching away from the country, away from the young people of my country whom I once promised to dedicate my profession and service to.

Yes, I’ve tried getting through to the Philippine public system. I marched on to several qualifying examinations and interviews in my province without any connections, armed only by my young and idealistic spirit, confident that I have it in me the capacity and the grace to teach. With all humility, I have to say that I have topped the examinations and the interviews and with my training, I am certain that I have aced through the class demonstrations. Though I have yet so much to learn and to improve, but teaching is one of the few things that I can do excellently---and I can say that with humility, and without batting an eyelash. But then just like any warrior who marches on with blind faith and optimism, I thought that I was prepared to see the ugly truths inside the system but my spirit was crushed, nonetheless. I have experienced it first hand how a lack of political connection would render you almost powerless and voiceless, I have proven that in some cases (I would not generalize because I still believe in the system despite what I’ve proven to be true), ranking #1 in the whole qualifying and hiring process wouldn’t get you a teaching post, whom you know actually would. For all that I know and have come to accept about the internal workings and the ugly truths about the public school system from years of being under its nurturing and training, the young teacher that I have become was not prepared from the impact of those blows even though I’ve emotionally and mentally psyched myself about that.

This is one of the reasons perhaps why I decided to work here in Thailand, and never actually looked back for almost 2 years. Perhaps, I totally lost my faith in our country’s public school system, or maybe in our country as a whole.

But one can only stay away for too long. Weeks ago, I was blaming my recurrent grumpy moments to my claim of quarter-life crisis. For almost a month since May, I started to get alarmed with the fact that I had been thinking of having a career switch. I think for a month or more since the opening of this academic year, I had become so mechanical, both in my teaching and in forcing myself to wake up every morning. I was seriously, really seriously considering the idea of quitting.

And then, it hit me. I need to go back to the country and teach there. If I had to break walls and pave my own trail into the public school system, then I will do it. Here in Thailand, I had become just any other teacher because I don’t actually have a clear sense of purpose if why am I here. Yes, I’ve learned a lot and gained several insights and experiences which may come in handy once I go back home. But I need to bring back my sense of purpose and to remind myself why I have become a teacher in the first place. I need to be able to wake up not only for myself but for my country as well. It’s not heroism on my part, no---that’s definitely far from it. It’s but a sheer need felt by all teachers who understand that teaching is really indeed a calling. I just need to redeem my faith in our country’s educational system, in our country as a whole, in our leaders, in my own teaching---and I can only do all of those if I’ll go back home. And by that time, for good.