My Christmas THANK YOU List for 2011

Dear Jesus,.

Let me take this time not to ask or wish anything from You but to say THANK YOU for the countless blessings that You have showered and You keep on showering upon us.

Yes, I still have that long list of wishes and dreams that are carefully kept... just so in case. But the opportunities and the experiences that you carefully chose to be on the road that I am traipsing on have taught me that "dreams and wishes mean work". So, I am setting aside that list and I am making a different one instead, one that brings all Your glory back to You, by reminding You of how generous and loving You are.

In a world that is too much in need of Your grace, I won't mind if the stockings will be left empty or there will be no gifts to unfold on Christmas morning because I know that with Your continued guidance, we can always get by. :)


CHRISTMAS 2011 WISH THANK YOU LIST

1. THANK YOU for my family
     -Yes, we are not the perfect family, the ones which are considered as the "Hallmark" types. In fact, ours is a family of loud, eccentric, moody, and volatile people who are most of the time acting on spur-of-the-moment emotions. But what I can always count on is that I have these people who knows me inside out but loves me anyway. So, I'm trying my best to love them back, BIG TIME.

2. THANK YOU for my GYPSIES
    -Forgive the too possessive "my" but I couldn't find of a more apt word to use to suggest of my total attachment with these crazy but adorable set of people. These are the people who remind me that sometimes, family is not a set of people you are born into. Because of them, I have a big and rowdy extended family.

3. THANK YOU for a set of girl friends
     -.....who understands my fears and doubts about nothing else in particular. Who knows that I haven't had a lot of "firsts" yet but who doesn't stare at me as if I'm a mutant. Because of them, growing up and growing old doesn't seem to be a scary idea.

4. THANK YOU for giving me the strength and willpower to stick to my beliefs and morale whenever I am asked to make a choice
   
5. THANK YOU for the opportunity to heal and eventually move on

6. THANK YOU for the chances to make a difference

7. THANK YOU for the fortitude to bear the pain of leaving home (I'm 23 years old but there are moments when I curl up and cry out for my mother)

8. THANK YOU for the people who bear with my absent-mindedness and shortcomings

9. THANK YOU for allowing me to grow at my own pace

10. THANK YOU for making me patient enough to wait

But above all Jesus, THANK YOU for allowing me to love and be loved in return.

THANK YOU JESUS, FOR LIFE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

----Au :)

Let This Be My November Prayer :)

Dear Father God,

The day I found out that Inday Ana peacefully embraced the rest that you have been offering for quite some time, you were the subject of my denials and questioning, of my countless "why's" and my doubts. You've seen how the whole family was crushed down, how I was personally trying to grasp for reasons not to question your existence. That was five years ago. And at that one turning point in my life, when I fully realized how fragile life is and that it can be taken away anytime at the moment you least expect it, you were a silent receiver of all my pain and you acted as my quiet comforter. You let my troubled dreams come to a still, you lulled me into sleep when I felt that my heart couldn't bear the pain no longer, you offered me some more tears to spill out just to ease my pain when I felt that my ducts have gone dry from too much crying. You patiently waited for my questions to stop resurfacing, for my doubts to be replaced by faith, for my disbelief to be changed by hope, and for my pain to be powerfully displaced by abounding love.

And true enough, gradually, the grace of acceptance and letting go was bestowed on me------that it was actually bestowed on me long before but that fact was shadowed by my raw pain. And though the years will never erase nor diminish the pain, that it never can, but what it offered instead was the solace of a dull echo of Inday Ana's absence in our hearts which is not altogether a bad feeling since it offers us the memories of her life and a constant reminder that she was here, and will always be a part of our lives.

Then just several months ago, you again called a dear family member, Inday Nancy, a trustful confidante and a loving tita/friend. And just when I thought that I was prepared for the blow, I was wrong again. I think death has that certain kind of ability to startle you with a unique kind of pain----that you actually never can be ready. no matter how many times you've seen people pass away. But I was comforted with the idea that she is at peace now by leaving her tired and battered body----that she can never again worry of her heart to beat properly or for her lungs to breathe for her, that she will no longer drag her poor blood-clotted feet and pretend that she's okay when she's wincing in pain.

Lord, despite the pain, I am actually thanking you for ironically, during those moments when I felt that you didn't exist, those were the exact moments when I felt your presence quietly comforting me. And in a way, you let me learn some of life's greatest lessons: 1. That love can encompass everything, even death. and 2. Nothing lasts forever, only your LOVING MERCY.

Your healing daughter,
Au

Inday Nancy, Inday Ana, Nene Imas, Mama Ikit, Lola Meling, Lolo Cente, Lola Oping, Lolo Aurelio, baby July, my unborn baby sister-------you are all fondly remembered. Please pray for us as we are constantly parying for you.

...am definitely not (your) some battery charger

" I can accept the fact that it was not supposed to be. I can understand that perhaps a big part of what has happened was because of my hang-ups and my inability to just deal with it. I have forgiven myself for quite some time already. But what I cannot bear is the fact that perhaps for your entire lifetime, and mine as well, I would be taking the role of that tiny little shadow lurking in every aspects and moments of your life, labeled as "What could have been..." and "What if?".  Moreover, I want you to know that at this point, I refuse to allow the fact that you can just breeze in and out of my life as if I was some ***damn battery charger."

My (Twisted) Concept of Letting Go....

I had it for more or less seven years. The moment I first saw it in my nanay's collection, I knew that I was meant to be its owner. It has my name written all over it----it was funky and unconvential---totally like my views, ideals, and life concepts.

There's just one oddity about it though that puzzles some people who constantly see me wearing it---I did not bother to have its battery replaced---so that means that the whole seven years that I was wearing it, it wasn't working. I would just sometimes joke about it and answer, "Oh, that's because I don't want to be a slave of time, that's why."

It was very much like this. However, mine has still tiny details on the wings that make it more appealing.

But deep inside, I had a whole different reason----- because just like the clock, I was stranded.... 


It had become my perfect accessory in every special occasions and ordinary events----if I feel lazy to dress up, I just wear it with my most boring shirt and jeans and it becomes a day-saver; I wear it with any dresses in special events and it adds a classy touch.

It had also become my amulet and lucky charm-----I wear it in moments when I feel I need to be a little bit tougher and edgier-----so I was wearing it during contests way back in college, during interviews, during graduation, and during my licensure exam.

So you see, it was present in almost all seasons and points in my life for almost seven years. Sure, it's just a piece of accessory. But we have to admit it that at one point in our lives, there is one thing that we couldn't just let go of our grasps easily, not because we couldn't live without them, but because it had become our history, it had become what defines us.  It didn't occur to me that one day, I have to eventually let it go....and I wasn't even given a premonition or a sign.

It was around 5:30 in the afternoon at the MRT terminal in Ayala, a perfect moment of rush hour. Bessy and I were standing, waiting for a train that we wish would have just a little bit of space for us to fit in, since 2 trains have already passed and we didn't get the chance to get inside.

When we saw a coming train Bessy told me, "Au, handa ka dun ha." And when the train's doors were opened, everything became a blur of people complaining, of bodies being squished, of feet being stepped on by several sets of feet, of afternoon odors mingling in the air----and I just found myself standing inside the moving train, holding firmly to a post as if hanging on for dear life. Then I took a deep breath and managed to smile at Bessy, saying, "Baw mayad lang nakasal-ot kita."

And then I felt a weird kind of lightness that I instantly grabbed my watch in my chest. Only, there was nothing to be grabbed. I tried again, and all I felt was the gold chain hanging on my neck from end to end, broken, without my ladybug watch on it.

It's a wonder up to know how I managed to be calm that time. I can even remember talking to myself calmly, "Nahulog na 'to kagina au. Okay lang. Nahulog na guid 'to." I didn't panic, I didn't even complain to Bessy about it for I felt that if I'm going to tell her that I lost it, I would definitely burst out. So, I just kept quiet, and until now, she doesn't have any idea about that incident, nor my mother who gave it.

And then I realized, that moment was very much like the moment when Inday Ana passed away, when Inday Nancy had to eventually rest-----the moment you realize that something and someone important is gone and you have to let go, that fact will not kick you right straight into the gut nor does it feel like hearing a thousand drums banging, signifying of finality. No. It feels more like a silent echo of a footstep from a bare foot, more like the gentle whisp of air on a summer day. It is more of being left with a hollow in your heart that would eventually feel whole again, but would never be again filled.

That moment when I realized that I lost my ladybug watch taught me one lesson which was actually presented before in several events in my life but which I just failed to recognize-----that at the moment when you realize that certain people and things have to leave and you have to let go, there is not much drama or wailing or asking all the "why's"-----it is actually a quiet and tender moment. All people who have lost something or someone so important at one point in their lives clearly know this. The questions and the wailing and the drama come later, when it's already a bit bearable to do just that.

The fact that I'm writing it here (So Bessy man-an mo dun. Nadura ya lady bug ko. Dumduman mo 'tong pag-walkathon ta sa Makati nga nagbakal dulang ako tsinelas? Pag-uli ta nabugto....huhu....Akigan guid ako ni nanay maman-an na, hahaha....) and I can complain about it means that I am over it and I accepted the fact that it's lost. I forgave the person who most probably pushed me or grasped me that time to be able to get in the train. Most importantly, I also forgive myself for allowing that to happen by not thinking about the possibilities.

And maybe, just maybe, it was one way of telling me that I'm no longer what I think I am, that I'm not anymore the same as the broken ladybug watch.....that I'm in fact, no longer stranded.

Ang Makatang Mangingibig by John Iremil Teodoro

Nagiging akin ka
Lamang
Sa mga sandaling
Nagsusulat ako ng tula
Para sa ‘yo.

Nagmumukhang tama
Lamang
Itong paghigugma ko
Sa Teksto
At konteksto
Ng mga talinhaga.

Napapatula sa ritmo
Ng aking mga linya
Ang mga abyan
Kong makata|
Na katulad kong
Mga bigo ring
Mangingibig
Pero patuloy
Na naniniwala
Sa kapangyarihan
Ng mga salita.

Makakapasa kaya
Sa kritika ng buhay
Itong aking
Mga binalaybay?

Ayaw ko sanang
Mamatay
Na yakap-yakap
Ang mga gutay-gutay kong
Pangarap.

Wat Rong Khun---It Was My Early "White Christmas" Gift :)

I kept on looking outside the moving van, anxious. Will we ever stop by that place? It's already getting dark and it's about to rain. Feeling my bubble was starting to deflate, I pushed myself to go back to my awkward sleeping position and really tried to sleep so that I won't feel the dissapointment that was starting to simmer. And then, all of a sudden, the van stopped. Yes, it stopped.

And I felt my happy bubble starting to inflate again, so big that I stopped myself to do my "floating, flying, with dancing" stunt whenever I'm too happy. And the moment I went down the van, I was affirmed that I definitely had the reason and the right to be depressed and even sulk for days had we not stopped by the White Temple. It was almost too beautiful, and it was like being handed an early white Christmas present.

The Wat Rong Khun, commonly known as Chiang Rai's white temple, is situated in the province of Chian Rai and is very accessible since it is just beside its main highway. It was designed by one of Thailand's national artists, Chalermchai Khositpipat.

What makes this temple different from all the other temples that are scattered all over Thailand is that it is purely white, which according to the artist who designed it, symbolizes Buddha's purity. This temple gleams under any light and is breathtaking under the glaring heat of the sun because it is covered with mosaics of reflective glass which are embedded all through out the temple.

These sunken hands surround the main walkway going to the entrance of the temple. Seeing these hands is like hearing silent screams of people who are in deep pain and suffering.

This golden temple-like structure at my back surprised me the most. This entire structure is a toilet. Yes, you've read it right. This is a toilet.

Relationship Status: Single------Now, So What?

....and if the facebook administrators would one day, out of whim, add "single, since birth" status, that would definitely be fine to me. And for anybody's curious mind, I might definitely opt to click that status in my profile, not for everyone to see (which would definitely bring some smirk and amusing reaction to others), but because it's a basic fact.

Actually, this particular thing is no big deal to me. It never was and it never is. And I would like to think that it never will be.

 However, there are just some days when it gets into my nerves when people would ask, "So do you have a boyfriend?" and I would reply, "No." and then I get these shocked expressions as if what they heard is an extremely unusual thing that they've never found out (just now) in their entire life. Much more, when they prod further and I would add, "That's since birth.", they give me this certain kind of look as if I'm an alien who just landed right in front of them or worse, a mutant who is trying hard to live a life of the normal people, whatever normal means.

Come to think of it. At my current age (23, that is) in which the trending topics of almost everyone that I know of are engagement, marriage, having a kid----here I am living a life of being single. So I have to admit it that these trending topics have become the norm and I and my current status have become the exception. To get the idea of how this norm is affecting even the state of mind of kids, here's a classroom incident last year with my grade 2 learner:

Ericka: Ma'am Aura, how old are you?
I: I'm 22.
Ericka: Do you have a husband and a kid?
I: No. Do I look like I have a husband and a kid?
Ericka: (shakes her head, then thinks deeply) How about a boyfriend?
I: (I laughed at this point.) No.
Ericka: Oh! So that means you are (whispers to me as if what she's about to tell me is a highly classified information) L---A----O----N.
I: (loading...........hahaha) What do you mean, elayoh? What was your word?
Ericka: No it's not a word. I was spelling the letters out. It means you're (whispers again) laon.

How can I have the heart to get mad on an 8-year old kid for being so blunt? And how can I explain it to her that it's not a big deal when all she sees around is different from what her teacher would tell her?

This present status normalcy is gaining such attention among people my age that just about a month ago, I changed my facebook relationship status from single to in a relationship (Oh, I changed it back to the original status, by the way.). Call me hypocrite when I said that this particular thing does not bother me, but here's the case. I did not change it just to be labeled as "in". I'm way past that stage when I have to feel that I should belong. I changed it for the simple fact that I don't want to answer so many questions anymore when college friends or some acquaintances or even distant relatives would ask me regarding this matter.  If you want to get the idea, here is a sample flow of conversation upon seeing the single status in my fb account. It's almost always the same case.

Them: Teh au, may nobyo ka na?
Me: Wala pa guid.
Them: Tuod bala?
Me: Tuod man.
Them: Teh gapangaluyag?
Me: Waay man.
Them: Sus, daw indi mapatihan.
Me: Anhon ko bi? Alangan mamutong ako ka lalaki sa dalan hay.
Them: Hay pisli-an ka guro.
(In my mind: Ayteh, nagla-in pa.)
Me: Indi man ah. Ma-abot lang daa ah.
Them: San-o pa? Insa ano napangita mo sa lalaki haw?
Me: Waay man ah. Ma-abot lang guid daa. (Couldn't they get it that I'm already trying to drop the subject?)
Them: Ay manugla-on timu guro.
Me: Baw indi man. Bata pa ko gani.
Them: Ayteh san-o pa timo mangita? (If you notice, this is the second time they ask this question.)

......worse, if they would ask.

Them: Teh, 'tong si ano bala, ano natabo 'to?


What would be worse is that sometimes, this conversation would seem to go on and would leave me drained, thinking to myself that maybe, just maybe, what they think is right.

However, when I changed my status to in a relationship, some acquaintances have tried chatting with me and here's the flow of the conversation:

Them: Ay may nobyo ka dun gali Au?
Me: Huo ah.
Them: Sin-o?
Me: Indi mo kilala ah. I'll let you know.
Them: O ti sige ha. Ipakilala mo ha?
Me: Okay ah.
Them: I'm happy for you Au. -----END OF CONVERSATION---- Yehey!


See the difference? That's the idea. People would let you off the hook once they find out that you are into normalcy. But once you are a bit strange or different from the trend, they would keep on rubbing salt to the area 'till they leave you raw and aching in different points of your system. I am not bitter, okay? I'm just making a point here.

What's so wrong about being single at 23? It has its own perks and my other single friends are well aware of that (I'll not be mentioning names here just in case they ask, "Are you referring to me?". In that case, it would be easy to think of an alibi because there are no names being mentioned. Hahaha.).

 I am actually enjoying being single to the point of sometimes being unaware of that fact. I can decide in a spur-of-the-moment to go somewhere with only my parents to ask permission to, I can do anything to my hair in a moment's whim without worrying that somebody might think that I look better in a longer hair (I know some girls who still ask permission from their boyfriends whenever they want their hair cut short. Duh, it's still my own hair, just so you know.), I don't have to push myself (yet) to have an interest in sports....the list continues. But that's beside the point.

What I really want to point out here is that other people should develop more sensitivity and breadth of understanding. We accept the fact that other people are actually into a relationship with no questions asked on our part and definitely no raising of eyebrows. Shouldn't it also be the case with us?


When we say that we are actually enjoying our life at the moment, please don't think that we are lying or just making a front----understand that life cannot only be enjoyed in the context of a relationship. Never ever tell us to "Get a life!". I have seen countless of women who have forgotten how to live their own lives 'coz they're too busy making life possible for their significant others. Please don't think that we are cold or aloof or worse, label us as "ice queens". Just so you remember, we are not less of a lady that you are, just because we have not been into any kinds of romantic relationships. Yes, we also cry at every mushy romantic movies, we also blush when somebody we like smiles back at us, we scream like there's no tomorrow when we get kilig, we also look fondly and longingly at people who seem to be so in love, and there are moments when just before we sleep, we think of somebody and fervently pray to God to let him come into his senses already. See? We're no different. The only thin line that separates us is that you are already in a relationship and we will be in a relationship, in time.

"So why are you not in a relationship?", you may ask. Let me answer this question for all the singles girls out there once and for all. This is definitely a painful process of baring our soul, but it has to be done at one point. There are countless of reasons. Because some of us are actually scared, admittedly. But isn't it that it should take just the right kind of man to erase all the fears and doubts? Because some of us have some important priorities to settle first. But isn't it that the right kind of man can in fact wait? Because some of us don't actually know how to flirt or to send a signal to somebody who like us that we also like them too and some of us actually don't know how to deal with these kinds of emotions. But isn't it that the right kind of man could read in between the lines, could actually see behind the aloof projection and would have the patience to actually teach us how to deal with it? Because some of us have actually high standards and expectations. But isn't it that it takes the right kind of man as to not get intimidated by these standards and much more, change the standard for them to fit in? 

And now you may smirk and think, "Oh, that's too old-fashioned and corny. I will not be surprised if you'll end up being an old maid." What's wrong with being old-fashioned and corny? Isn't it that the great love stories in history are old fashioned and corny? But just so you know, our minds are not in the clouds all the time. We are actually realistic. We know for a fact that we cannot be in a relationship with a list of standards and expectations. If we are going to single it down to one, it will all boil down to the fact, that what makes us different is that our time to be in a relationship has not yet come, so we must muster all the patience that we can have, to wait and not push ourselves to rush into any relationships just to say that we are actually in a relationship. Lucky for those who have theirs already, no questions about that. But in our case, it's yet to come.

And when that time finally comes, we are actually secretly praying for us to be given the wisdom to recognize the moment and enough courage to forget our doubts and fears and just delve in, delve in with no inhibitions and with nothing else but faith----faith in the power of love that had been so elusive for so long, but is finally just at hand.

So now, I am enjoying this stage in my life, living it as positively as I can without sulking that others are happily into a relationship while in my case, I'll be attending parties alone, shopping alone, have a midnight snack alone, and watching movies with a set of friends instead. I don't have any fears that I'll actually end up being single. Let me worry about that in the future. For now, there is a strong feeling in my heart that he will come----and it's like a prayer that I know God does not have the heart to deny. :)



Afterthought: And just in case, I'll end up being actually single (which I doubt, hahaha------positive, okay?), I promised myself to be the coolest spinster alive. :)

Mae Fah Luang Garden (Oh, the flowers are real by the way...)

Here's my little secret. I'm not a green thumb, that's given. But I couldn't recall a single plant which grew or bloomed upon having contact with my hands. Okay, probably I'm not the nourisher type but I just love plants and flowers minus the time being spent taking care and nourishing them. 

 One of the best destination perhaps in northern Thailand is the Mae Fah Luang Garden, located in the highest point in Chiang Rai province. This garden was established in 1992 on the initiative of Thailand's princess mother who wished to give the Thai people to enjoy a temperate flower garden. since the climate of the place can be able to support these kinds of flowers.

This garden served as the winter residence of the princess mother until her death in 1995. 

The moment we went down the van, I was still holding my head to keep it from falling due to the too zigzaggy road going up the garden, I was instantly hit with the cold whip of the hair that instantly caused a little tingling on my unaccustomed nose (prelude to nosebleed, good thing it didn't come to that point). 

From the van, we had to walk to the ticket booth. For natives, the entrance fee is 90 baht while it's 120 for foreigners. Our Thai friends told us not to talk while we were standing near the booth so as to get the same price as that of the natives (no raising of eyebrows for this, please :D).

Waiting for the tickets...... :)

The main road inside the garden is lined with boxed flowers which are in full bloom.

The double story chalet at the back served as the residence of the princess mother every time she stayed for her winter vacation.

We took a break from the uphill and downhill walks....

This sculpture entitled, "Continuity" is found on the center of the main garden. It's a human pyramid having the topmost figure reaching for the sky. This particular sculpture represents the idea that continuity ensures success of any endeavor.

Oh, and since I couldn't speak more about the "awesomeness" (I couldn't think of a more appropriate word, forgive me.) of the place, here are the pictures to do the talking, instead.

During this day, I felt like Alice, happily lost in Wonderland. =)

Walking With the Gentle Giants

The night before our trip, my mother texted me to bring home an elephant tusk.

Sure, I replied. Let's see if I can get it past the Bureau of Customs when I go home next year. Tsk, tsk. Sometimes, my mother has this ridiculous ideas (nagmana din sa anak).

The Lampang Elephant Conservation Center is the only elephant center in the whole world that has a hospital for injured elephants. It is about 30 minutes away from the main city of Lampang.

We had a bunch of pictures from this trip since we couldn't get enough of these Dumbo's. But I selected here some of the best.....

We were finally inside the Elephant Center. Entrance fee is 80 baht.

This train-like vehicle roams around the place to get you to different points.You just need to show the entrance pass and you can ride all you want for free!

At exactly nine o'clock, the elephants would get to have their bath while their trainers are riding on their back. 

While the elephants ascended from the lake, newly washed, we had so much fun running around to take photos with them to the point of exhaustion. While running around, we were also on alert to make sure that we will not fall victims when they spew water out of their trunks.

This is probably the most poignant part of the trip when the elephants marched rhythmically to the sound of the gong going to the area where they are going to have a performance. I just stood right there and then and thought: "Wow. So this is how it must be when those giant reptiles walked on the Earth. Just, wow."

And yes, these dumbos can in  fact paint. The paintings go to the highest bidders after the show.

Meet Pai Yao, the 36 year old elephant. So happy to have ridden on you, you gentle dumbo! :)

I didn't get to bring an elephant tusk for nanay, though. I couldn't have the heart to break one from these gentle giants. Yes, they're too gentle that "Dumbo" doesn't seem appropriate for them, I realized...:)

They never can and they most certainly never will :)

I woke up today remembering that it's Sunday, instantly crushed with the thought that it's yet another day that I don't get to eat a late, lazy Sunday breakfast with loud and rambunctious people at home.

 But then a tingle of warmth inside me slowly crept and warmed my whole system with the thought that I may be alone and might feel lonely once in a while but the people that I'm longing to be with at this very moment are actually not completely detached from me, that they never can and they never will. Here's why:

• My nanay constantly daily reminds me through texts that I have to wake up already and do what I have to do for the day for she clearly knows that her daughter is actually a scatter-brained, absent-minded 8-year old who pretends to be an able and efficient 23-year old.

• I have a 14 year old brother who can be my student if the circumstance allowed it, but who never believes me when I answer his questions in his Biology subjects for it is already programmed in his twisted mind that his sister is his play-drawing contest-craziness moment-white lies-jamming partner buddy. So despite the distance, he constantly pesters me everyday and constantly denies that he misses me. Yet, I know better.

• A sister who supplies me constantly with her cheezy  stories.

• A family in which, in my absence, would most probably certainly think about me and insert me in their discussion in any chance they can get------during siestas, early morning talk, afternoon convene, inuman sessions of my cousins and uncles.

• A group of friends (high school classmates, to be exact) to pester and fight with and make up with though virtually, since they are scattered at different points all through out the globe.

So, I am actually alone in here, but almost always not lonely. I'm lucky. =)

Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do

'teka lang, break muna sa kapa-panood. 
Hindi pa 'ata makaya ng puso ko.....(lol!)

This made me ponder on the thought: "When it comes to love, will you choose history over newness, familiarity over uncertainty, heady-rush over dependability, strong raging passions over quiet constancy, deep rooted hurting love over bouyant love?"

Had I been asked years before---when I thought that pain and suffering and whatever other heavy emotions, were part of being different and sort of badges of uniqueness---I would have surely chosen all the first choices. It's funny when I think about it now. 

At the moment, I choose:

•  newness (History is sure to be beautiful but sometimes people are being misled by the too many memories and emotions that it brings----that what they thought binds them actually shackles them.)

• uncertainty (Sometimes, I attest that too much familiarity can bring contempt.)

• dependability and quiet constancy (Sure, who would say no to romance and all its drama  and rose-colored palette? But as you mature, there will come a certain point when you realize that having somebody dependable and constant in your life is more worth having than somebody who gives you all those heady rush but can't promise of staying by your side. Somehow, having somebody to have long talks over a cup of coffee, quiet walks, somebody who can lend a hand in washing the dishes, somebody to share the ordinary routines of daily life and make it a whole lot easier to deal with, appeals to me than somebody who makes my heart thump to the point of being sick and somebody who makes me blush so hard that I get to look like a bloating watermelon flesh, and then just leave. Just like that, leave.)

• bouyant love (Suffering love and its kinds are way too over rated! Wouldn't it be good to have that kind of love that gives you the opportunity to be able to lift your spirit without much effort, to look at the world and life and people freshly---and love all of them in that kind of light aura?).

P.S.: Bob Ong's qoute is very appropriate for this, "Kung nagmamahal ka ng sobra at nagdudulot ito ng mga mumunting kirot at sakit, baka panahon na upang ito'y pakawalan na. Huwag mo nang hintayin na puro sakit na lang ang idudulot nito sa 'yo." With this, I rest my case. 

Camouflaging Love

Sometimes, love hides itself in the most seemingly common circumstances.

Home Song

          Home is the place that we wanted to leave when we were young 

                  and wanting to get back to when we are older.

Okay, so it's "mushy day". Fine.

The "50-things about me" list

Okay so this is egoistic, again. But I have nothing to do, as in nothing to do-- that I think I'm going out of my mind just by thinking about the long stretch of days that I won't be doing anything.

So, as an instant sanity button response, here's the list:

1. I hate matchsticks, though I have developed a certain tolerance of them. Actually, I was scared of them when I was a bit younger but through the years, I have learned to conquer that fear just a bit. But there are still times that by just seeing them or the possibility of touching them makes me cringe or develop a desire to vomit.

2. I'm super-duper quiet in the company of strangers to the point of being labeled as aloof and snobbish. But my best of friends know that I am insane and crazy.

3. I smile or laugh alone. Yes I do.

4. I always catch myself thinking aloud, yes, sometimes alone.

5. I have the habit of finishing the thought of the person that I'm talking to.

6. I hate wearing anything that is orange. It makes me cranky and irritable.

7. When I am too mad. I don't defend myself or talk back. I just keep quiet. Silence is my best defense. And believe me, I don't even want to see myself at this state.

8. I cried when several of my books in my collection were infested with termites.

9. And yes, I cried because of love (unrequited, that is) too.

10. I couldn't sleep for days, even for more than a week after watching any horror films.

11. I cry easily at every mushy, sappy, feel-good, chick-flicks and novels.

12. I love green.

13. I once dreamed of becoming a theater actress and making it as my lifetime profession.

14.In high school, when I didn't get the part of Juliet, I secretly memorized all her lines for the hope of being called to act at the very last moment. lol! Ferlie knows about this!

15. When I'm sad, I usually wear my favorite pyjamas.

16. I couldn't stay inside a mall for several hours.

17. I look like I'm frail, but I'm actually game at any situations. I'm a "cowboy".

18. I laugh easily.

19. I still love to receive letters. The real kind, in long hand.

20. I have a journal and a box filled with stuffs from the past.

21. I hate the smell and the taste of liquor. Even red wine. Except tanduay ice---this is the only drink that I can tolerate.

22. I like chinky eyes.

23. I don't drink (if I can avoid it) any kinds of fruit juices.

24. Over chocolate and green mango, I'd choose the latter.

25. I'm an OC when it comes to closed shoes. I wear those shoes in which the space between my fourth and last toe can be seen. Wearing the other kinds would make me cranky the whole day.

26. I like the shy, strong type.

27. When I was a kid, I firmly believed that when I dig a hole and put a shell in it and then pour some water, the following day, it will turn into an ocean. I tried it many times and even if it didn't happen, I did not lost faith in that belief, I just grew out of it.

28. I have difficulty remembering names and there are moments when I would momentarily forget names of people whom I am acquainted with for years.

29. I actually don't know how to study, much more that I am not good in memorizing. This surprises me sometimes. Perhaps, I'm just good in guessing during examinations or I'm just damn lucky.

30. I haven't copied or cheated in any exams or quizzes during college. When the topic is about remembering this act during student days, I just act as if I know the strategies. In fact, I don't.

31. It already happened to me that a seemingly impossible incident which was a recurring thought for years really happened in real life, exactly up to the littlest details.

32. My first conscious memory was riding in a tricycle during the funeral of my lola.

33. When I'm scared, I poject the "I-don't-give-a-damn-care" aura.

34. Right before any public speaking activity, I cough involuntarily.

35.  I don't like dogs and I believe that they don't like me either.

35. I'm scared of carrying babies who are less than a year old.

36. I like smiling at kids or waving at them---even those kids whom I don't know.

37. I sleep comfortably during a bus ride.

38. I always take the seat near the window.

39. When there's a mosquito net placed over the bed, I don't like to sleep on the side nearest the wall. There's no logical reason. I don't even know why I don't like it.

40. I'm a sucker for photos.

41. I cringe at the thought of ointments, liniments, or any oil being rubbed on my skin.

42. Over label or style, I'd choose the latter.

43. Here are a sure tearjeckers: movies about soldiers in war and championship game of any sports event in a movie.

44. I unconsciously do the peace sign during photo opportunities.

45. I have the irritating habit of silently correcting people when they speak or editing whenever I read something, even myself. You can't blame me for this.

46. I want to write a short story in Hiligaynon in which the story would revolve around the drama of the Flores de MAyo in our barangay.

47. There are moments when I feel that my attributes and overall personality is not fit for a teacher.

48. There are moments when I pretend that I don't know or am not good at something just to get by. Very bad habit, tsk tsk.

49. I'm good at bluffing. Ask my students.

50. The idea of writing sometimes makes me sick but I don't know why I couldn't get away from it----I just go back again, and again.

Oh well....

...there were certainly a couple of what if's, but again, OH WELL, what the heck?

 Life should be lived forward!

So from the moment I realized my mistake 'til today, here's my mantra:

....oh well,

There will certainly be a lot of that to come. But oh well, life is too short for all those what if's, and I've had too much of them already.

To all the "oh well's" that will have to come, cheers to that! xoxo :)

Love's Enduring Promise

"Love should not be based on the feelings of the heart. It should be based on the thoughts of the heart."---Janette Oke

Love Comes Softly

"Sometimes, love isn't just fireworks. Sometimes, love just come softly."---Janette Oke

Teachers' Day 2011 Compilation of Messages

• Happy teacher's day ma'am Au-au. I hope that there can be more teachers like you. Continue to share your wisdom and talent especially to those who needed it the most.God bless the teachers!! - chal

• Thank you very much. Happy teachers' day too. Praise and thank God for the privilege to be part of your life's journey. The exercise of our freedom is always to do the Will of God knowing that His grace is sufficient to see us through life. I'm very happy of what you have become now. Keep up the good work and the struggle for there is always an end waiting for those who persevere doing what is good and right. With all the best in your teaching career...hope to visit Thailand someday...Godbless and take care. - M' Templora

• HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY TARICTIC HORNBILL!HAHA - ronald

• Happy teachers' day AU.. - ale

• Happy teacher's day! You are not only a teacher but you also serve as a mother to these kids. You are really an inspiration, Good job mam au!c: - tal2x!

• Au! Happy teacher's day! Hope you find a perfect timing on your lesson plan to tell your students how happy our friendship was! (our group to be specific) tnx au! God bless you! Continue lifting up souls. Au!!! heheheeh, tnx you! You are one of the best things I have.... keep me strong and humble because I need it, (di mu lang halata) hehehehe ginabasa basa ku gid liwat ya english mu para maabsorb ku gid sa kaluoy ka Ginuo naabsorb kugid. whahahahah. Continue what you are doing, you lift up my soul. tnx.... - leomsie

• Happy teacher's day mam au.. - jie2x

• Happy teachers day to all the amazing teachers in the world! To my teachers,Rachel Espinosa Pama, Materesa Martinez Devicais, Nescel Panes, Grace Dajay Estante, Catherine Paciente, Jesusa Amador, Nenita Lagañosa, Desiree Palomo Lobiogo thank you for sharing to us your knowledge! You are all a part of who we are right now and you are much appreciated and we are grateful for that. And to our Aura Carmela P. Ferrariz and Ferlie Joy Manejo, continue to strive to be better mentors just like our wonderful teachers who taught us not only about subjects in school but also the lessons of life!...xoxo - bessy

• Aura Carmela P. Ferrariz happy teachers day!!!!!! - jan2x

• Happy Teachers DAy Auau ... ♥ - ne aiza

• Happy teachers day good luck and god bless. - nanay

John Leomel Macero, Don't You Dare Forget These!

Note: Prepare to be hit by a storm of corns. Consider yourself to be forewarned! 

As I was warning you, don't you ever dare forget these things, not ever!

• You are an artist. So you can always create something beautiful and leave everything a little bit beautiful than they are.

• Just your mere presence is a stress reliever. And your absence can really be felt.

• You are a principled person that sometimes, these principles can get you into trouble. But what the heck? The world does not need silent bypassers. It needs people who are principled enough to fight the "good fight".

• People would either hate you or love you. When it comes to you, there is no in between.

• Behind your funny anecdotes and comical laughter is a person who takes responsibility.

• If you think that you are too beaten already, all you need is to flash a warning sign and we'll come in gushing whether you like it or not.

• You have a very supportive and amazing set of friends, not to mention, crazy, crazy set of friends. But you have no choice. You're stuck with us. Okay?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEOMSIE!! :)

In20years.com

It's funny how technology can project how the future baby of a couple would possibly look like and how somebody would look like, say, twenty years from now.

Despite the fact that it is definitely not reliable, it is still fun though a little bit scary to imagine how would you look like in a distant future.

A lot of songs and poems and literary pieces including works of arts are celebrating and hailing youthfulness and seldom can we encounter those that deal with old age, with the twilight of one's life, with senility, and with the point of "getting there".

I don't know what it is about age (and ageing, so to speak) that makes us cringe inwardly and sending a shiver in our spine. Perhaps one of the reason is that it makes us face the mere fact of our mortality---that we cannot live forever despite the fact that we live as if we have all the time in the world.

So, when I encountered this application that could project your image 20 years from now, including the wrinkles, the extra bags of muscles around the jaw area, the creases in strategic points in the face, I am human  and I'll honestly say that I also experienced cringing at the thought. But I said to myself, "What the heck? What happened to your sense of fun?".

Just to make a point, I'm not scared of getting old. I don't want the idea of living forever. That would be too monotonous and exhausting, right? This makes me pity Edward and all his vampire friends. What I'm scared of are the extra baggages that come along with old age.

Enough about it. So, meet "me" twenty years later, now.

Again, I don't dread getting old. I'm even thinking that it's fun because every single day that adds to my age gives me the opportunity to come closer to the woman that I ought to be. Yes, there will be those crow's feet, and wrinkles, and creases, and the double chins, and the extra muscles around the face, and not to mention the white hairs-----but I would like to think that if I live each day with the right motivations and purpose and with the right kind of people that can help me grow, then, it would not be frightening after all.

And I'm making a pact to myself. I will not just grow old. I'll grow old, gracefully. =)